Monday, November 30, 2009

Unfinished Poems

These are some poems that I started and haven't seemed to finished. I consider them like an unfinished drawing. Maybe I will finish if the moment is right:

Fighting Poetry!

I keep fighting this poetry shit
not that I do not like poems
I just don't like to read them
then I remember how I am brainwashed
to believe that poetry is about
17th century Elizabethan rhetoric
with sonnets and soliloquies
or birds and swallows
but when i hear real poetry
from real poets
it is about real things like
who spits and who swallows
how many poems does one
needs to write in order to
get labeled a poet?
do my fingers require a
sense of numbness that only
a person obtains when holding
the instrument that contains
a poet's blood
or does the ink need to run
out of the pen
or maybe finger nail imprints
on the pen is a requirement

Stay Down...

How does one gain strength
when deep down there is defeat
knowing that at times
you may fight a losing battle
where the odds are a million to one
how do you beat a formidable foe?
one that is ever changing & ever shifting
cannot stay in one place
cannot stay still
cannot give you a chance
to gain a grip on reality
the ever moving foe fights dirty
goes for the kill every chance it gets
you can block and deflect every blow
but sooner or later the knock out
punch will land and defeat will be imminent
How does one fight back?


I know what you think
that this poem is about you
because everything I do
could only be about you
I hate to break the news
or maybe I should leave some clues
everything is not about you
this poem is about me
the only person that
means anything in my life
the only one that makes
the decisions and mistakes

Sunday, November 29, 2009

From A to B

Something I have been thinking about for the past few weeks is how differently women think from men. I have read several blogs and checked out several tweets about how men are complicated. I realize that I am man when I am saying this but, men are not that hard to figure out. Granted that I am not a typical guy, but men are pretty simple. It call comes down to how we think.

Men think in a straight line. It is a simple as that. We think linearly. Our main concern all day and everyday is getting from point A to point B. Nothing else matters. Now, if we have to get from A to C then we know how to get there. Now, maybe this does not make sense, but if I tell you, for example, that men think about one thing, what does that mean? Getting laid? Well...that is thinking linearly.

Women think completely different. They think more circularly. They think more about getting from A to Z while trying not get caught or stuck on any of the letters in between. Women will always think about things that men will never think about or consider until there is a need for it. The problem is that women get frustrated with us men because we don't think the same way or have the same thought process.

Clearly I am generalizing with this because not all men and women fall into the same cookie cutter labels that society places on us. However, there is a point to be made that both genders think differently, which is why women have intuition and men don't. With all this being said, I have come to notice that when I think about this, the only people this has no bearing on is homosexuals.

The thing is that although I can sit here and say that women think a certain way or have a thought process that is not like men does not mean I have an understanding of them. On the contrary, I am still learning about how women work. But, I do notice that women do think about everything. Most may lie and say they do not, but they do. Some men don't even think about what they are doing an hour from now, unless the game is coming on..then that is a different story all together.

It is the linear thinking that get many of us into trouble. We never think of the little things unless we have to or unless we are trained to. This is not to say men cannot change, because they can. We are not built to think a certain way, but we can adapt to suit the needs of a woman. Of course, the key to all this is the willingness to do such a thing. If a man does not want to step outside his own world, then he wont. Some men who do this expect women to conform to what their way of thinking is, which is so 1950's.

The way a man can adapt to a woman's thinking is to understand himself. All men have shortcomings that women take notice of. A man needs to recognize these things and fix them. More importantly, the number one thing a man needs to do is listen. This is like a universal rule, if you can listen to your actually listen to her...u will solve so many problems that it is not even funny.

A man's linear thinking puts him in a situation that he feels he is right most of the time. Which any person who has been in a real relationship will say that is so not true. A woman will do thinks that make no sense to men. She may say one thing and do another. She might get upset about what men perceive to be something so small. All that is because we think our logic makes sense because all we are doing is thinking in a straight line that never veers off its course. Meanwhile, as men are thinking in their straight line...women are running circles around them.

This is not to say that women are always right. They get caught up in their own thoughts, obsessions, assumptions, and insecurities that sometimes the path from A to Z stops somewhere near M. A woman who is stuck is usually that person who cant get over a situation where it is a job, a man, or family. Once she is stuck then it is hard for her to get to the next letter or the next step because something is holding her back. She can always pretend to get to the next letter, but once she realizes she is stuck it is hard to move on. Now, men get stuck too, but because we think differently we can put blinders on and stay on the same path.

I know that what I am writing is fully of analogies and hidden meanings, but life is full of that. There is no way that I expect everyone to agree with what I am saying, but I just think that when it comes down to it women but more thought into life then men do. That is why we cannot figure each other out. Let me know what you think...

Friday, November 27, 2009

We All Have Scars

I wanted to write about this yesterday, but with it being Thanksgiving, it would not have been a subject that is, in my mind, appropriate. I realize that one of the topics that I have dealt with on this blog has been fate. Another topic has been forgiveness and those who have the power to do it. Clearly, I have my views on the subject matter and I do not expect everyone to agree with me. One person who does not agree with me on subject of forgiveness has been my father.

We can have long discussions on this topic and will end up agreeing to disagree. As everyone knows I believe you need to forgive people (and yourself) in order to move on with anything in your life. To me, it is about the ability to let go of the past. A good friend of mine quoted me a poem, so will still this quote from her: Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. I am one to truly believe that there are things that you need to just let go of.

While having this debate with my dad, he brought up something interesting that I had not really thought about (he tends to do that). When bad things happen to people weather it is physically or emotionally, these "things" tend to leave it's mark. We all have scars on our bodies and on our hearts. The thing about physical scars is that those heal after time, but yet you can still see them and will always be reminded of how you got them. Emotional scars tend to work the same way. While you may not see them, they will always be there and will never be forgetton...but they do heal.

My dad is not one to believe that time heals old wounds and I wonder if he thinks people can change (I will have to ask him). He told me that he has been burned more times than he cares to remember and will never put himself in a situation where we will be burned again. I will say that my father is a good guy who has constantly given people the benefit of the doubt. However, too many people have taken advantage of that and he has become less trusting of people in general. Of course, it is only worse when family is a part of that equation. So, forgiveness is pointless in many cases to him. If you had the nerve to burn him once (and is some cases twice), he will never allow you to do that again. He has been scarred and will never forget that.

I look at things a little differently. I have a few scars on my body. I know how I got all of them, most of which I got because I was being careless. While I remember them, they do not effect me; I just know that I was young and stupid. My physical scars do not prevent me for taking risks however, I am not trying to get anymore scars so I know to be careful with any activity. One thing that I can say about all my scars was that I allowed them to heal. I rarely picked at them because it would only make things worse when it comes to the healing process.

With that being said, my emotional scars are a lot to bear. I have scars from childhood through high school. Those scares have effected me and yet, has given me the strength to be what I am now. I also have scars for the careless things I have done to myself and other people. What I have found is the forgiveness has helped me heal those wounds. Forgiving someone does not mean you are giving them a pass to scar you again, it just stops us from picking at old wounds.

Let me inject a little fate here. Everything and everyone has a purpose in our lives. Getting scarred by others is a part of life. We learn from them. Sometimes the people who scar us are the most are the ones we love the most. Those scars make us the people we are and since we never know what the future holds, we never know if a scar we received in the past was meant to happen in order for us to be strong in the future. I think we all need to be hurt so that we know how to love. I am referring to the story of the perfect heart.

Ever time I read that story I think about how we all have to fail before we can succeed. None of us are prefect and we really should not expect perfection from anyone else. The number one answer has always been to cut off those people who hurt us but, does that really solve the problem or does the put a bad aid on the wound? There are people and situations that we need to face and things that need to resolved because in reality, emotional scars are very hard to heal without a resolution of some kind.

We all have those people that we will never speak to again. I have a couple of people who are on that list. It is hard to forgive people. I know that. But, holding on to things from the past makes it difficult to move on. We are not in control of the future. So once again, let go of the wheel...

Monday, November 23, 2009

Monday Musing in NYC

5 days ago. That was the last time I have posted something on here. I have quietly promised myself that I would write an entry every day this week while I am in New York. Believe it or not I have a lot of time on my hands because it turns out that my aunt's house is being renovated. The living room, in particular, is being turned redone so in basic terms: I have no TV. Which is ok, I can deal.

I brought down my notebook so that I can write any poems that seem to come to mind more often than ever these days. I normally write them down on paper before I type them on here. But, in either case, I have some reflections to do regardless. Unless, my emotions pull me in a certain direction, I think I will focus on family this week. I think this will be sorta like a "dry run" for Christmas and a precursor to my eventual move in 2010.

People have been asking me what am I doing for Thanksgiving and I would answer that with the usual, "I don't know." However, I think that deep inside me I already know that I am going to see my mother. At this point, it only makes sense. I just don't know exactly what I am going to do yet, but I am sure I will figure it out.

As I write this, I already have another poem swirling in my head. I realize that I am becoming a person that I didn't foresee myself being. I feel kinetic in a sense. I get emotions and feelings built up inside of me and I feel the need to pour it on paper. I wonder why I could not do this before, but it seems to happen quite often now. So I am very glad I brought down my book. I just feel that my poems are too short, but at the same time I am not trying to write the Iliad or the Odyssey.

The job search is proving to be tough. Most of the positions that I see I am over qualified for. I could be the boss. But, I am not discouraged. I know that something will come up. I feel that I have people looking out for me as well. I will also be real and say that I have only put my foot in the water. I have not dove all the way in yet. I wanted to test the waters and see what is out there. I do have a plan to be very aggressive starting January 1. I have applied to a few places and we will see what happens. Gotta let Fate take the wheel.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Final Word on Fate?

I have a friend that will always say to me "Jesus take the wheel". This is a general expression that she says to express that we are no longer in the driver seat in certain situations. Control becomes absolutely pointless in the face of adversity and stress (i.e. drama). We are not in control of many of things that happen in our lives. We are not in control of our future. We are not in control of thoughts of other people and (I will just throw this in for good measure) we are not in control of the system of oppression that society has on us.

This where fate comes in. I will easily preach that everything happens for a reason and everyone has a role to play in our lives. The issue becomes we do not know the grand scheme of things. So for what we do not know is left up to chance or in better terms, it is left to fate.

How did I come with this? Yes, I know that several times this year, I have stated that I do not believe in fate. That everything is about choice and our choices lead to the doors of opportunity to be open so that we can make decisions on our lives. But, more and more, in the back of my head i was hearing this question of, "what about the things we cannot control".

Let me be honest here. I was a big believer in fate a long time ago. But due to how messed up things have become over the past several years, I began to think differently. To be even more honest, the idea of fate scares me. I feel that I have lost control of my life a long time ago and not being the one in the driver's seat is not a comfortable feeling.

It wasn't until I really started doing my job search that I realized that I need "Jesus to take the wheel". While I control the things I do and where I apply, I am not in control of the outcome. I thought about this fact last night and I realized that I am going to end up exactly where I need to be in time. It hit me like a brick wall...fate. I am certainly not saying that I will land the perfect job because it was "demanded by the gods" but I will say that perhaps I have to realize I have a destiny.

The problem I truly I have with fate is when it comes to love. Relationships are hard enough as it is. I believe that while we really do not choose who we fall in love with, we do choose what to do with our feelings and that is when things get messy. What I constantly have to remind myself is that anything is possible in life. Perhaps I have to view love and relationships like a job application process. I will put in my resume in for various opportunities and wait for a reply. If I get no response then I need to move on, all in hopes that the right opportunity comes my way.

I think the above metaphor works to an extent because with jobs there is no emotion spent on one application and this because job searching is all based on chance. Sure, you can have a good resume and say all the right things in a cover letter, but one has to stand out. Much of this is not in our control thus the say, if it was meant to will be.

So, is this my final word on fate? I am not sure. I would like to think it is. I may still talk about in general terms. However, I am a Gemini and I fluctuate my thoughts and opinions based on my experiences. Right now, I am just letting go of the wheel and letting fate take control.

Sunday, November 15, 2009


I don't intend on my words
and thoughts to be conveyed
or relayed or replayed
in such a way that makes
it seem like I don't care
While I have all the time to share
my words and my actions are viewed
skewed and reviewed
for all to question
my intention
while I mention
that my heart is still the same
beating and loving
at the same rate
because everything I feel is love not hate
my heart and my words will match
how I feel
thus what I say is real
my message is cryptic
but so is life... is my life
what are intentions?
if they are met with wrong assumptions
what is the point of a joke?
if no one laughs
at the end of the day
all that remains is me
is that so difficult to see?
the looking glass tells me everyday
that i have to be better in every way
better than my past
better than the rest
better than the one looking back at me
what are my intentions?
I intend on being a man
I intend on having a plan
I intend on showing the world
the real me
where is the line drawn
between intention and assumption?
don't assume I don't care
don't assume that I am selfish
hell may be paved with good intentions
but my heart is fueled by them
so if i go to hell for thinking,
acting, and feeling with it...
Then I will forever be damned for what I intend.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Say it aint so Sammy!

Many people think I am crazy when I bring up the issue of color within the Latino Community. They tilt their head to the side with a crazy look and say "Really?" I have mentioned several times that most Latinos are color struck and feel that marrying a lighter skin man or woman is a way of raising up our people. But, Sammy Sosa took it to a whole new level.

Sammy Sosa was an icon in the 1990's with his battle to be the home run king against Mark McGuire in Major League Baseball. Those two men brought back baseball from the dark ages that was caused by the labor strike. It also brought the out the fact that Sammy was Dominican; a very dark skinned Latino.

He has a very good public persona. Despite his issues at the congressional hearing on steroids where he, all of a sudden doesn't know English, he has always been the type of person to attract attention. I regarded his skin color to very much be apart of who he is, it was apart of his swag as a baseball player and a Latino. Sammy represents Afro-Latinos just as much as Roberto Clemente during his career.

So the question is, how insecure does one have to feel in order to be able make your skin lighter? Was he feeling left out? He shows up to the Latin Grammy's looking like Mc Lyte. Really Sammy? When I looked up the reason why he went through this transformation, I was shocked with what I found. He went through a skin rejuvenation process that temporarily lightens the skin color. Apparently women do this all the time according to his friends. They say he will be back to his negrito skin color soon.

Let's break this down. So Sammy decides that he is going to rejuvenate his skin right before one of the biggest Latino events of the year. I would like to know what woman does this and gets the same results as Sosa did. Last time I checked, rejuvenating black skin did not need make it white. Think about all the white people who are desperate to get darker and go to tanning salons so they can be a shade closer to our beautiful black skin.

I am sorry, but I am not buying it. I think it is a piss poor excuse. I think Sammy succumbed to the pressures that of being Afro-Latino in Latin America. He has now become an affront to me and all Afro-Latinos who are proud of our heritage and proud of our appearance.

It is not a good look Sammy. Not at all.

Friday, November 6, 2009

An Underdeveloped Talent is me. -_-

Last night someone asked me to tell them something about me that they did not already know. After some thought, I admitted to her that I have a sketchbook. I actually have several of them. Drawing was something I used to do all the time. In fact, I used to draw as much as I write now.

Being such a fan of comic books when I was a kid, drawing was something I just loved to do. I think over the years I had gotten better and better. I was able to understand shapes and shading. I just had serious issues drawing women (which I have since overcome). However, I have stopped drawing seriously and concentrated on my writing. Truth be told, I never considered myself all that good with a pencil.

However, I will doodle pictures and objects in meetings. Some of my co-workers have looked at me and told me that they cannot believe that I drew a certain picture. I have even go so far as to sketch people during the meeting. I must say that I am productive at work it is just that sometimes I just need to keep my hands moving. While I do have a love for drawing, I really do not think I am all that good.

Something that I do not think I have admitted either was is the fact that when I was in high school I aspired to be a comic-book writer. I was so deep on this committal that I created hundreds of characters with stories behind them. I will not take the entire credit myself, I did have a good friend help me with many of the stories. I am not sure why I did not follow through with this. I think is was mostly that I did not know how one becomes a comic book writer. As a matter of fact, I still don't.

I look back at it and many of the characters and stories were of Latino and African American characters. Sure, I had white people, but the world that I created was much more about realness of people of all backgrounds. So, even as a high school nerd I still had some sort of social consciousness in me. In either case, I look at how comics are being written and I am happy because I know that I would have written those books in a very similar way.

I do find interesting that I feel the need to express myself in some sort of way. I just find the use of words to be easier for me then to actually draw something. However, I did sketch the above photo this morning. It is supposed to be me and I know that I am off in a few place. It was a quick thing that I just did. I have to laugh because I took a picture of myself with my cell phone and then drew this. As, I am sketching myself I am looking at all my features. I start thinking: damn, I have a big nose...whoa my lips are kinda my forehead that large?

I think I now know why I stopped drawing: I over analyze EVERYTHING! :)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Ever Changing Definition of Love

This is something I have been wrestling with all week. I have been reading my past blog entries to gain some inspiration for my next blog topic and I started thinking about just how far my thought process has gone when it come to the definition of love. I think everyone has their view on it and most times it is never the same. I am not even sure that many of us even think about their own personal view on love. When I was younger I just thought it is something that just happens to you.

As I have gotten older, I do see that love is much more complicated than just it just happening. I can easily be a person that says that love stinks but that would be crass and not true. But, I can say that love is something that I simply have not had much luck with. Of course, in saying that, I do realize that I have had my faults when it comes to make things work when it come to relationships. I certainly do not want to come across as a man that thinks I am not at any fault for my own failures with love.

Let me point out that I thinking out loud here. I am not sure I even have a clear definition of love. At one point, I could tell you that love is something that you feel and then from there who knows what happens. I want to say that love is something that is shared, but there are often situations that it is not. However, I am starting to think that love is something that a person has and they choose to share with special people in their lives.

Of course there are different versions of love but it all comes from one place, the heart. I think about the numerous amount of times that I have had my heart broken...and I am not even talking about women that I have been in love with. A perfect example would be last night. I was speaking my 10 year niece (she is really Josie's niece). She wanted to know if I was moving far way because of my divorce. I told her that I was moving but not too far away so that she could not see me. I knew she was sad because she really thinking that she may not see me again. Thus my heart breaks ever so slowly.

I guess the real reason for questioning my own definition of love is because I am the type of person who tends to follow my heart. As much as I can over think things and analyze them to death, it all comes down to following my heart, right or wrong. While I am not sure if that is the best thing to do, it is what it is. There are times in which I feel pretty confident about life and then there are times in which I just feel defeated. Nevertheless, I do know that anything is possible so it just really depends on the day with me.

What really throws me for a loop is the close relationship that love and fate have. I have said many times on this blog that I do not believe in fate. I do not think that there is a universal script that says we will end up exactly where we need to be no matter what. I would like to believe in choice. I believe that we choose our path. We decide what is the best course of action is on any given day thus our lives end up the way they do based on our own actions. I think this is a wonderful argument against fate and destiny....except for the fact that I am not sure we choose who to fall in love with...

See, again, sometimes it just happens. We can deny it if we want, but I am not entirely sure we can help who we fall for. So what does that mean? If we do not willingly choose who we love (because we certainly do not choose our family either) then what is that? Fate? Destiny? You can see how this troubles me. It is bad enough that I feel that I lack control of most of my life and I cannot control what I dream. So what does all this mean?

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people tell me that they have no idea why they fell in love with a certain person. Then there are those people I see who are in denial of actually being in love. So then does that mean that saying "You don't choose love, love chooses you" is true? Hell, if that is the case then I need to seriously need to evaluate my view on fate. But, let me be very clear here. I used to believe in fate. I used to be believe in destiny. But, over the last few years I have become very rigid in my view of these things. I have lost faith.

I lost faith in so many things and that has effected me. I did not realize this until about a week ago and I am not talking about religion. I am talking about faith in my myself and in my view of the world. I over think things because I have failed so much that I am afraid to fail again, while fully knowing that failure is the only true path to success. I want to be confident that things will go well. I know many people think it is silly of me to feel this way because they see me as a guy who has so many things going for him.

My definition of love is ever changing right now. I am not sure what it is. But I am sure of what it isn't. I guess I may just have to let go of the wheel and let fate decide...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Drink Water

Last night I posted an article from Yahoo! about the effects of soda on the human body and it got me thinking. I used to drink a lot of soda. I gave up the beverage in order to live a healthier life and the results have been very positive. These days I drink more water than anything, but I just look back and think about how much soda I used to consume.

For starters, Pepsi was my drink of choice. I just loved how it tasted and how it just felt going down. I could drink several liters in a couple of days. I drank soda with just about every meal. When I went to places like McDonalds, I would order the super sized meal because it meant I would get the biggest size for my soft drink. I almost want to say that it was an addiction, but it was close.

I didn't drink soda when I was a kid. In fact, I didn't even drink water. There was always some fruit (Sun Dew) drink or iced tea mix that we had. It was understood that the soda that was in the fridge was my mother's, so I never touched it. I also remember the little 25 cent drink we got at the store that we all called, "Quarter Waters". Those were pretty good and they can quench a thirst during a long and active summer. But, even out in the street, I never drank soda. I really wasn't allowed to drink it all that much, maybe on a special occasion or when I was hanging out with my father.

When I got to High School, soda was a little more prevalent in my life. It was just all over the place. The school vending machines sold them for very cheap. I think they were less expensive than some of the juices. Plus there was a certain feeling that I could act older drinking this stuff because it was so out there in the school. Even, when I has a job at Pathmark, soda was just easier to purchase. So, I would buy sandwich that the Deli guys would hook up for me (they would stamp a $1 on it) and I would wash it down with a nice cold Pepsi.

Before I made the switch between living with parents, I started drinking soda at home. When I did live with my mother and brother, soda was kept in the fridge and I would drink it like everyone else. As a matter of fact, when I visit him now, there is soda there but my nephew cannot drink. I find it funny how that works. Once I moved back in with my dad, soda was on the no drink list in the house.

It was not until college that I really started devouring soda. When eating in the dining halls, all the drinks were free and unlimited. Of course, I could sit here and say that I could have just drank the fruit juices, but this Syracuse University is a Pepsi campus. Needless to say I was swimming in the stuff. I didn't drink coffee at the time so I can easily start my day with a small bottle of soda. That was just the norm for me, not realize the effects of all that sugar and added flavors can do.

As I got older, the drinking habits became worse. Soda was an everyday thing. The problem is that when I left college, I became less active, which, of course means that pounds started adding on. I am not blaming soda for fact I am not blaming soda period. Lord knows I can drink it all day. It just got the point that by the time I got married, I had to really look at my soda intake. I did not want to become diabetic.

The first thing that any soda drinker would do is switch to the diet variety. This is not as ok as it may seem. Less sugar yes, but the addiction was still there. As my life began to change in March, I decided to run. With running, certain changes has to be made to maintain levels of fitness. I had to give up soda entirely. I have come to learn that anything you put in your body is used as a source of fuel. Let's not forget that soda is the key contributor to belly fat.

So, now most of the time I drink water. I think once I got the soda out of my system, I was able to lose the 20lbs. Plus, water feels more natural when you drink it after a long work out. I feel that I tend to over do things in terms of habits. Weather it is about drinking too much coffee or too much soda, what I need to realize that everything must be taken in moderation.


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