Expectations... (Happy New Year)

"Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy." - Brian Tracy

There is one final thing that I feel I need to adjust in my life. That would be expectations. I know that what I have come to expect of people over the last year and maybe even over the last decade has been to treat me with the same regard and reverence as I treat them. I have come to realize that this is an unrealistic expectation. I may be expecting too much of people.

Perhaps I am expecting too much of myself to think that having faith in people is the best way to go. Now, don't get what I am saying wrong. I am not becoming this anti social person that would rather be alone. The point I am trying to convey is that trust in people is something that needs to be earned and not given out freely. I think I have done that once too often.

On the other hand, I think that I have come to expect less of family than I really should. Because of my issues, I have come to expect the worse out of people that I am related to. My experiences has always led me to put up a wall when it comes to members of mi familia. There is something twisted about the fact that I may be able to trust or have faith in those who are not related to me rather than trust blood relatives.

My expectations of people simply need to change. Not everyone will have my true intentions at heart. 2010 will be a big year for me in terms of family and it is time that I start thinking about things differently. So far during this vacation, I have been very surprised about how family have dealt with me and my current situation. Where are I thought there would be judgment, there was acceptance. I realized that I should not be surprised when family accepts me.

When it comes down to it, I have to look out for myself now. I have some pretty awesome people in my life but I cannot expect things from anyone. I need to continue to pull myself up when things get rough. I would be lying if I said that I was not scared about what tomorrow will bring. Once I get back to Syracuse, my life becomes real again. There are certain actions and choices that need to taken and made. I am very scared, but it is time to man up.

Not only will it be a new year, but it is a start of a new decade. I plan on starting it with hope. I am throwing all my expectations out the window accept for one. I expect from myself to be a better man. I have my goals in place for 2010. I will be as aggressive as I need to be in order to meet my own expectation. Would I like help? Sure. Do I expect it? No. The only thing I need is for people to have enough faith in me as I have in myself.

Happy New Year!

Reflections of 200 blogs...

I have to give myself some credit here. I am not the type to toot my own horn, but as I look at the numbers, this is my 200th blog entry of the year. I cannot even count anything I have done 200 times in my life, much less what I may have done in one year. Being the type of person I am, I usually get bored with things that happen in repetition, so the ability to keep writing about something new impresses me.

I do continue to reflect on the past year as much as anyone else does and I have taken some time and effort to look back at some of my past blog entries. I have edited them for spelling mistakes and grammar. I would like to take this time to apologize for all of those mistakes because I do try my best to make my blog legible. Some people have told me I need an editor, but since I do not get paid to do this neither would the editor.

My thanks goes out to all those people who have supported me in my efforts. Those people who have been there during my darkest days and have heard my darkest thoughts. I feel that I have bared parts of my soul on here which has allowed most you to really see what is going on inside my head. While I have not written about every last detail of my life, I think I have shown enough for people to get an idea of where my life is headed. If my poetry is any indication of what is going on with me, then you will know that 2010 will indeed be another bumpy year. Of course I am not saying that is a bad thing.

I am really not sure that I will make 200 posts next year. I attribute all this writing to the beginning of the year when I was writing about superficial things. Now that I have found my niche, I will try to focus on the changes that I need to make for myself. There is no secret that I write better when I am emotional or even when I am in pain. In my opinion, that is when I really begin to throw some words together to match the thoughts I have running around.

I also know that I will be more aggressive with my life. I will get back to the running that I so fell in love with over the summer. I need to find that job so I can move out of Syracuse. My upcoming trip to the Dominican Republic is going to be something that will effect me. I know that there will a reconnect with family that I am eagerly awaiting. I am anticipating a rough year and I am willing to roll with it.

I plan on being more private with my social networking. As of the new year, I will be make my twitter private. I am not sure how long that will be, but it will be for as long as it has to be. I have already set my Facebook privacy settings where I think they need to be. Myspace will be done and gone (who really uses it?). I am not sure about this blog in terms of privacy, but I think that I will figure something out. I do intend on keeping up with writing because...that is what I do.

Many people ask me about my love life. Well, I intend of keeping that as private as possible. Some people will make assumptions and some people will talk about whatever they need to. This is area in my life that I have made huge mistakes in. All I can say is that I intend on just being me. I will clean up what I need do and I will be as honest as I possibly can. I am done with much of drama that is my life and will attempt to remain as positive as possible. Everything happens for a reason.

The image above is snapshot of my year in statues on Facebook. It is an accurate depiction of some of the things I have been thinking. I want to thank all you for being there for me and for commenting. I do read all comments and I welcome any feedback. Cheers!

Lessons Learned 3.0

I have done this list 2 times before in other versions of what was once a blog of mine. I decided to do this again. Every Year we should be looking back at some events in our lives to see what we learn from going into the next year. Some of this is parody and some it of is not. So here are the lessons I have learned:

Gmail is awesome...
..so is blogging
Poetry is spontaneous, always carry a pen & paper
People do not get married to get a divorce
Micheal Jackson is irreplaceable
Driving from Florida to Syracuse is one day is possible
Virginia Highways suck...
...Pennsylvania is worse
Giving up soda is a big reason for the weight loss
Running is the most cathartic exercise
It is indeed possible to work 24 hours straight
People lie to themselves all the time
Mi Tia is every but as funny as my dad
Water is the drink from heaven
Syracuse cold toughens you up for any other NY cold there is
LATISM is a force to deal with
Forgive yourself first people, before you forgive others
Lady Gaga is for real
Muse is an awesome band
Alicia Keys...that is all.
Women are ruthless
Men are stupid
Love is complicated
Some people cant take a hint
Starbucks is $5 crack with non fat milk
The iPhone is best phone ever (hush to the BBM users)
I need a Mac
Everything happens for a reason
I miss NYC
The truth will always come out
Every story has 3 versions
Anything is possible
I need to write a book
Twitter saved my life...
Karma is a bitch

I Need New Memories

Another poem that I just wrote. I want to preface this by saying that I am still in a reflection phase. This was a rough year and I learning to deal with it through poetry. This is not meant to be depressing particularly on Christmas, but not everyone can be in a festive mood during the holidays.

I need to make new memories
ones that include smiling
and actual happiness
memories that can be
talked about pain free
without judgement
ever look at someone else's life?
wish that you could have done
things like that or
could have thought about having
the time of your life
New memories the will include
things never done before with
people never seen before
in a place never been
Old memories can be held on to
like weights tied to ankles
at the bottom of an ocean
where the water is clear
and the coral reefs are in sight
a beautiful backdrop filled with
memories that swim around like fish
but get harder to look at
when the realization
of suffocation
takes hold
This beautiful surrounding cannot hide
that old memories can kill
the once strong and the newly weak
if they hold on too long
to the anchors of the past
New memories will help me
see clearly and understand
that life can be what is seen
in books and on film
or perhaps dreams
can come true if you wish
upon a star?
but how far
am I willing to go
or do I need 35 candles to blow
or do I need to go
to a place where there is no snow
or maybe
just maybe
I will be able to cut the ropes
before my ankles bleed
before the fish feed
before I begin to drown
before I go further down
in the ocean that is my own past
I need new memories to have some air to gasp

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas is Forgiving (or is it for giving)

Talking to family can be an enlightening experience if you really listen to what they have to say. I spent most of the day yesterday with my aunt and she has a way of being very blunt with what she says. Mi Tia Terry is very much like my father. There is no sugar coating anything and she says what comes to mind when it comes to her mind.

We spent the afternoon together. I am walking with her on the streets of Mt. Vernon. She is doing her errands and I came along. I bought her lunch and we just talked. The subject of Christmas came up. The one thing I know is that most older people do not view Christmas as this joyous event like some of us do. As a matter of fact, I am not sure the last time I felt in the Holiday Spirit. She asked me if I thought Christmas was for kids.

I had to really ponder this. I really do not believe that Christmas is just for kids. While I think that we are trained to buy big gifts for children, the holiday season is much more that. Sure I can go into how we need to think about those who are less fortunate than us because we should be thinking about that all the time. As I am explaining this to her, she just says: "Christmas is for giving". It made me stop for a moment. What I heard was, "Christmas is Forgiving".

I am not sure why that struck a chord with me. I know that I have been reflecting on so much that has happened this year. Forgiveness has always been on my mind. Not just the forgiveness of others but the forgiveness of myself. I also know that my aunt has other demons that she is dealing with. Family is never easy thing to handle and sometimes people rather go their separate ways than to maintain the family bond. While people take sides, no one ever realizes what that type of situation does to individual members of a family.

Maybe Christmas is Forgiving. The whole idea of this holiday was to think about and celebrate the birth of Christ. The one big lesson that he has tried to instill was the that we need to have that power to forgive. I think that people confuse forgiving with forgetting or perhaps in order to forgive you need to forget. I highly doubt that anyone of us can ever forget something that someone has been done to us.

I dunno. I am no prophet. I am no angel. I have done things that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. But, I can say that the holidays seem to give us all this power to do things we would not normally do. We begin to miss those that have been absent from our lives....and even if you missed them before, you miss them more because, it is Christmas. The only bad thing about this holiday season is that is has to end. When January 1st rolls around and all the cocquito has been drank, we all return to the norm. We begin to remember our divisions.

The holidays are tough on many of us. It makes those who are lonely feel even more alone. So Christmas is very much for giving too. Time is a gift that is cheap and comes back to us. I will try to spend this holiday with as much family as I can. I will try to laugh as hard and eat as much (only run it off later) as I can.

Mi Tia is very wise and while I know that what she was talking about one thing, I took it to mean something else. I told myself that I will make sure that she is not alone this holiday and thus, I will not be alone.

Reflections of 2009

I know many people will talk about how fast this year has gone by. That is not the case with me. I think this year has gonna pretty slow. As I go reflect on this past year, I realize that we all think we know what life is supposed to be about. We all think that life is supposed to be certain way based on what society wants. Many times we do things that society believes to be right, but often times does not feel right ourselves.

I want to say that I feel that I am in a better place then I was when I in March. While, my life continues to be a series of roller coasters and challenges, I am doing my best to become the person I know I can be. I think that I have done my best to convey the emotional issues that I have had. I also think I have been very clear that I am not a victim of circumstance. This past year, the failure of my marriage was something I did not take lightly.

The current journey I am on has taken me to places I did not know existed in my mind. I have come to realize that I am a lot more emotional than I realized. I fight my emotions like most men do because I was brought up to believe that only women are supposed to be emotional. The only thing that was ok for a guy to do is be angry for whatever reason. Which is, in my opinion, when I get mad it is not a pretty sight.

I have also learned to deal with fear. Something along the way, clicked in my head that allowed me to deal with all my fears. I have quite a few of them. However, I cannot let my fear stop me from living my life. I think that fear is the number 1 reason people stop themselves from doing anything. I also think that fear makes us do things we ultimately do not want to do. I have heard the phrase that "Love makes us do dumb things", well fear makes us do incredibly stupid things. Facing fears is something that I have done this year and will continue to do next year.

I will continue to say that everyone in our lives serve a purpose. I consider myself lucky that I have met some pretty incredible people this year. I have reconnected with others as well that have made my journey less difficult. People can pop in and out life and that is the way things are. That does not means that the experiences from those brief encounters did not mean a thing. We all intersect in each other's lives in one way shape or from. So our presences in other's lives also means something to other people.

This year also seemed to be the year that many people I knew were either going through a break up or having a rough patch in their relationships. While I am not going to say that this is a good thing but, misery enjoys company. When people who are going through similar things get together and talk, the conversation become beneficial for all in involved. That is is why I say that we all serve a purpose in each other's lives.

Writing is something that has become very near and dear to me. It is one thing I can do that no one can take away from me. I know people will make fun of the spelling mistakes and tell me I should look into an editor but for the most part, I have gotten better. I will continue to get better. I know that my posting have slacked off. Many times is because I doing too much thinking and not enough writing. However, my urge to do poetry has made me see a different side to writing. I plan to do more of that in 2010.

Music has helped me along the way. I know I have not written about music as much as I would like because I am not trying to let this be a music fan page. I am not musically inclined but sometimes music speaks to me in ways that made me get through certain days. (that rhymes!)

My final reflection is that I am ok. Life has a funny way of making us pay for our mistakes, but it also has a way of picking us up and dusting us off. Some believe it is the power of God, others think it is the human will power. I think it is both. As I have mentioned this summer, I have found myself praying and I found myself having the will to not let anything get the best of me.

I think 2010 will be better...

My Christmas List

Christmas is coming up and of course there are thoughts of what could I possibly want for Christmas. As I have gotten older, the holiday season gets less and less important to me. I know that sounds bad, but it is true. I remember, as a kid, loving Christmas! The feeling in the air was just so unique. Maybe it was the mystique that was holiday season.

Now, the feeling is not the same. However, I am still a big kid of sorts. There are things that are on my wish list that I know I will not get, but I would like it all the same. If I was really into the holiday season, I could put up a tree and hope that Santa Claus will come on that fateful day with a bag full of presents. Of course, this will not happen.

If there was such a thing as an almighty force that would give us adults gifts, then there are a few things that I will wish for. I wont be corny enough to wish for world peace or something that we should all be praying for, but rather things that I would love to get. I will list five things that I want and will work on getting in 2010 (because I know that if I don't get it...no one will). These are in no particular order:

1. A Macbook.

I was looking at these on Black Friday. Truly an amazing machine. These are pretty expensive, but I am tired of my PC. I need something sleek that will not piss me off when I am just trying to check my email.

2. A Kindle.


This is a big one for me. I like to actually buy books and have them in my library. However, I don't like to carry books with me for fear that I may leave it somewhere or that the cover will get messed up. I know that sounds pretty silly, but I think the kindle will put me in a better place for reading.

3. Cologne.


This may sound funny. But I am trying to be more of a cologne person. The problem is that I don't have one that is for me. I just wear whatever someone gives me as a gift and call it a day. I am in search of something that is me.

4. Shoes.


I am not talking about sneakers. I have never gone through a sneaker phase. Trust me, I tried but I would always get the cheap sneakers while my bother was rocking the Jordan's (I am not bitter). Between that and going to a catholic school that only allowed us to wear brown shoes, my indifference to footwear is apparent. Lately though, I am feeling the need to branch out and get a few pair of good looking shoes.

5. A Poetry Journal.


I need a notebook specifically for this. I am very particular about my notebooks. I need something that I can write in at any point in time. It would have to be smaller than an average notebook. It is becoming evident to me that I need to constantly write. I have poems in my head and a possible short story. I am old school in this way. I need to write them on paper.

This list was hard to think about after the first 2 items. Perhaps I need to think about my wants and needs more. Maybe we all should.

Normal

I keep saying
that you do not know
what it is like to walk
in my shoes
what it is like to lose
everything that you know
is all based on what you see
feelings and emotions all blinded
by a sense of guilt
tripping down the stairs
all because I don't care?
mind clouded by the storm
in the center a heart is torn
apart from what was once
considered to be the norm
is nothing but a woman scorn
but what about the other time
when there was a reason and a rhyme
when things were all about a lifetime
inside there is a little boy
asking, "where is mom?"
and all he can find is a single
tear drop
you have no idea what my
shoes have been through
how many steps I have taken
how much guilt must be shaken
to get away from past failures
to get moving to future en devours
in a world where money means
too much and heart means
too little, life is hard
since I am all heart
and my heart is worth more
than any dollar or any euro
but still you do know
not the shoes I walk through
but who can I talk to?
No one
can imagine the fall of family
the rise of a boy
who thought death
was better than life
because in comic books
death is never final
it is the beginning
of a new chapter
and what I am trying to capture
is my life in a bottle
called Normal.

Music Monday

Clearly I am taking this title from a trending topic on Twitter, but I wanted to expand a bit on some of the music I have been listening to. My musical tastes have been all over the place lately. I have found that in my 30's, I have not been pinned down to a particular genre of music. Just like in my real life, I tend to be all over the place when it comes to my musical tastes. So my heavy rotation consists of music from different types of artists.

First, let me just talk about Alicia Keys and how I cannot wait for her new album "The Element of Freedom". Something tells me I will be rocking this album for quite a while. The songs that I have heard from her seem to be right on point. Everything that I have been going through or feel seem to be coming out in her words. Thank goodness that her music came out when they did. If they came out earlier, I think this blog would be even more emotional unstable! Her album drops next week I will definitely be on that.

Let's talk about Lady Gaga. People have been giving me the side eye when I mention I like her music. They think that because she is so awkward with her shows and performances that she has not talent. That is far from the truth. Her voice is amazing and she plays the piano with a grace that you do not see much these days. Let's not forget the artists in the past who have looked socially awkward at one time or another but are legends now (i.e Prince and Madonna, too name a few). So, for those who think she is a freak, just know she is not going anywhere anytime soon.

Drake is growing on me. I know that may sound weird, but I feel a certain way about hip hop. I grew up with this music and I have a certain affinity to it. I do not like every artist. I am not a huge fan of Jay Z but I recognize that his album is crazy. I cannot get into 50cent although her is a great business man. What has impressed me about Drake is his flow on the mic. True hip hop people recognize flow when they hear it. It does not bother me he can sing. It actually relieve me because no one wants another Biz Markie singing "You got what I need".

In terms of my other genres, I think that Muse and Switchfoot are 2 amazing bands that have meanings in their songs that I really enjoy. To me that is what matters, meaning to each song. I want to also say the Frankie Negron is an amazing talent that seems to redefine Salsa music with every song he comes out it. I have seen his stage performance and he has that thing that makes people want to dance.

So with that said here is my heavy rotation list. Enjoy:

1. Uprising - Muse
2. Throw It In the Bag - Fabolous Feat. Drake
3. Whatya Want From Me - Adam Lambert
4. Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
5. Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart - Alicia Keys
6. Aditco A Tu Piel - Frankie Negron
7. Hasta Bajo - Don Omar
8. Mess of Me - Switchfoot
9. Sexy Bitch - David Guetta Feat. Akon
10. Bad Habits - Maxwell
11. Empire State of Mind - Jay Z Feat. Alicia Keys
12. I'm Going In - Drake Feat. Lil Wayne & Yong Jeezy
13. Que Tengo Que Hacer - Omega

I have also started listening to Holiday Music...

When it Rains...

I cannot believe it is December. The journey that I have started on this blog is almost a year old. I am quite impressed with myself that I have been able to keep this up for so long. The past 3 blogs I have had have all crashed and burned due to inactivity. I know I flirt with inactivity on this particular one, but sometimes I have nothing of value to say...or so I think.

I have made it to what seems to be the final lap of the year. Usually December represents a time for reflection of the past year and allows me to think about what I should be doing next year. While I while the process of reflection for me is yet to begin, I do know there are certain changes I need to make for myself in 2010. I do listen to what people tell me and with the desire to constantly improve myself I have come up with somethings that I think I will need to do next year.

The job search will intensify next month and since I have already been turned down twice, I think I need to makes some changes in the social media portion of my life. I am thinking of making all my interactions on Twitter private. I am thinking about making my Facebook profile private as well. While I will keep this blog open, I will make certain changes that will make it difficult to search my real name. All these changes are temporary but necessary. I do not need any potential employer to think I am emotionally unstable based on my writings and interactions. Personally, I do think I am, but perception is reality to many.

I have been mulling this over for the last week or so and I wasn't really sure what I was going to do until I had a dream. While I do not remember the full details of this dream, I do remember that it was raining very hard. I was outside in the rain for whatever and clearly I got soaked. When I woke up, I remember think that this was the first time I have ever remembered being in rain. I thought I would take some time to see what rain in my dream could mean. Thanks the good people at Dream Moods, I was able to come up with this: To dream that you get wet from the rain, indicates cleansing from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal.

I have said before that I have had an awakening of sorts over the last few weeks. So the idea of being cleansed makes sense. My stresses are not what they once were and I feel that I ready to do big things with myself. I am indeed looking for a renewal and I am very confident that I will achieve that.