Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Damn Dogs...

{Orginally Posted on Blogger}

As I write this, we are in the midst of our first real snow fall. Sure we had "dustings" every now and then, but we now have some serious white stuff. Which brings me to my first story. I want to reiterate how fucking prissy my dogs are. Lets start with, "I Dont want to get my paws wet", Rocky. On a dry day, this dog with lolligag and frolic in the grass. He will take his sweet ass time and make a "signs" on the grass like you see in the Movies (The Mel Gibson flick if you are really slow). On a wet day, he will go fast. Piss and shit then run back in. On a Snowy day....This dog practically lets it all loose in record time. But what is unique about his snowtime walks is that he tipi toes...I did not know a dog could tipi toe...or tipi paw! Then he looks at me like "help, my paws!!!" That is how he walks in the snow.

The other dog, who is still a puppy, is Rusty. Fine this is his first real snowfall. Took him out. He did not want to move. Looked at me and said (in eaxct words) "I aint going in that shit" Then went limp on me. Now to give a brief desciption of what kind of house I live in, We have a set of two staircases that is connected by a small patio on front with an awning. So he pissed on the no yellow snow for him. So I got my wife to take some pictures of this. I threw him in the snow...(that is what I did with King Rocky)..he hates it. So of course he just sits there. No shit...Nothing! So we take him back in and take a guess what he did. I wont even say it...fucking dog.

Well, just when you think I can handle the noisy neighbors from upstairs...I get the ones downstairs...and Next door. Now the guy next door is cool. He plays his music a little too loud, but that is ok. He is the MAN, He can really nail his girl friend. All I can say is she came...enough said on that. Now lets talk about the Mecca people down stairs. What the fuck!!!! They must be fucking a camel or something. They are just as bad as the village upstairs. (I still think they are fucking the little guy up there). The other night must have been "Ghandi Night", because all I heard was just talking from alot of people. You know they cant whisper....1:00 am and they are yapping about rubbing the bhudda. My wife was pissed.

Since we are on the subject of my lovely wife, I want to commend her on getting another Univesity job. She is working for the African American Studies Dept (again). But this time it is a permanent position! Of course she still works at Layne Bryant which is cool. Which bring me to my story. Credit is a hard thing to aquire for me. I have been trying to build my credit for awhile. I have been turned down by the finest of establishments for credit. MasterCard laughs....Visa makes cruel jokes. But I was finally able to get a card!!!! Where you may ask? LAYNE BRYANT!!! My wife felt that I couild get credit where she could not. So I get to buy bras and panties on credit. WhoopDeeDoo! I dont know how I got this damn card, but I think the creditors of this world are probably laughing it up.

Friday, November 1, 2002

Birthday Bumps

{Originally Posted on Blogger}

November 1st!!! Wow, I cant really believe it. This year has gone slow for me with all this shit to do. Well I got up this morning, barely scratching my nuts, and I hear this noise. Drip. Drip. Drip. I go into that bathroom and the ceiling is leaking right into the tub!!! It is a minor leak so no big deal. My wife calls the landlord and tells him about how it is raining in the bathroom. So within 10 minutes he is at our apt. He looks at it and tells us that or upstairs neighbors never put the curtain in the shower when they use it....thus we get the after wash.

Now let me tell you about my neighbors. They are not from this country. I am thinking they are from India or somewhere in the Mesopotamian region. I know one of them from work. He is one of the computer techs. So ever since they moved in they have been mad loud. First, they kill my ceiling, walking like they are trying to kill fucking scorpions. I figured they walk hard because they are use to sand and they are now on wood floor. Second, I don't know what the fuck kind a music they listen to...but I swear there is some belly dancing going on up there. Thirdly, one of them laughs like a gypsy. They must have a genie in a lamp.

So the other night, they were just unbelievably loud. My wife is in bed, so I rush upstairs. I though there were 5 or 6 of them up there. So I knock and the kid I know opens the door. He greets me and I am like "what the fuck are u doing?". So he laughs and says..."have some cake!" I look around and there are only 3 of them. 3!!! all this time I am thinking they had a fucking village up there. So he tells me that it is his roommate's birthday and they were giving him "birthday bumps". Great, sounded like they were fucking him. Now to give you a feel for this apt..which was messy. It smelled like curry and feet! All 3 were barefoot.

To make a long story short, I had some cake and I told them to quit the shit.

Thursday, October 24, 2002


{Originally Posted on Blogger}

Yes, it has been a long time. I have been busy since school has started. Things are going well. The apt is secure. I have a new camera and things are great. I can tell you that stupid people still populate the majority of this county. The ghetto seems to be spreading and the damn radio plays the same songs every hour. Well I do have my own office with no windows. That is a good thing, so I don't see how much snow is on the ground. I have more responsibilities, so I am here all the damn time. Well i can tell you that my new apt is going well too. New couch too. See, i figured i would talk about the good shit first so i can go directly to the bitching when I am done. I have also increased my computer game knowledge. I am in a Literati (Yahoo Scrabble for the lay people) league. So i get my ass kicked for fun. The Yankees lost again!!!! So i am loving that.

Ok, to the bitching...I love my apt. But that shit is lopsided! I feel like i am in Batman(1960's) with the tilted camera view. I can't even weigh myself right. I get a different number every we move the scale. So i don't know if i lost 1 or 50 pounds. The fridge door swings open if u don't close it all the way. This is some shit. Speaking about shit, My new dog, Rusty, loves his shit. I should stop wasting money on dog food....and what get me is that we don't give him that much water either and he pisses a fucking river. So of course in a tilted apt the piss runs downhill. I should just paint the floor yellow. Damn dog!!!

I love my wife...I really do. She at one point had two jobs. One here at SU and another at Layne Bryant. She has quit her job at SU because she was working for a real fucking witch. I wont say her name I will just call her "Broom Hilda". So Broom Hilda was very abusive and would yell at her and do all kinds of stupid shit. So one day she just quit. Told her to ass-ride the broom she flies on! Anyway when she started to work for Lane Bryant, (which was the same time she started worked with Broomy) she found out that she gets 55% off of clothes. Cool Right??? Try $700 worth of clothes! and she got it for less that $350. Cool Right??? Guess who had to carry that shit....and lose all the hangers....and the space....Did i get anything??? Sure i did...some panties.

Thursday, August 1, 2002

His Name is Rusty!

{Orginally Posted on Blogger}

So much has happend this past month.It got to the point where I did not want to even write about all this stuff. But, in the end I realize that it is truley theraputic. Well first off I wanted to say that I got a new dog. His name is Rusty. This dog just loves Rocky. He is about 3 months now. He is small enough to fit the pocket of my fleece sweater. Not that I tried! It has been hot!. Softball Seaon is over! I struck out the otherday. I was sooo pissed. I threw the bat in frustration. I know you are dying to figure out what my average is....But I wont tell ya! (.312) I am not that egotistical.

Well...the bad news is. Our apt was broken into the otherday. I know it sucks. Jo's jewlery was taken and so was my Digital Camera.I am still pissed off. this happend about 2-3 weeks ago. We did not even notice until the next morning when my wife could not find her jewelry. All of it was gone. It took us awhile to account for everything. They even took my 2 dollar bill. HOW DO YOU TAKE A TWO DOLLAR BILL? Thank God for Renter's Insurance. Well, you would think i would get better...2 days later my neighbor gets his computer and shotgun stolen. Yes u read that correctly! A shotgun! Appretnly he is sometype of hunter. I guess he was waiting for Wabbit Season. So to make a long story short. My Landlord is getting us a deadbolt lock for the backdoor (the Police said that that was the place of entry).

Anyway, lets get off that subject....It is way too depressing. So we are driving down the street last Saturday morning. We see this Black dude walk out onto the street doing his thang. You know...doing the ghetto strut. He had cornrolls...deniem shorts....white tanktop..and a toothbrush in his mouth! Just brushin away. This cant be normal...and the things is...there was no toothpaste....unreal. Before I go....I want you guys to check this out.

Friday, May 31, 2002

The Joneses

{Originally Posted on Blogger}

One more day and I am out of the hole in the wall I live in. Just in time too. I guess all the four legged (or more) have decided to move in before my lease is up. The other day I lost a duel with a mouse. The little fucker ran right by me as I am playing a game. So, I made it my mission to catch Mickey. Of course, this little shit was too fast for me. Rocky was no help. It darted right by him and this dog has the nerve to look at me after the fact like “did you see that?” So what did I learn? I learned that mice can jump. I corned the bastard in between some books…so I started pushing that in…the thing jumped out!!! I was so pissed!

Anyway, thank god I don’t have do deal with this shit anymore. I told Mr. Furley to patch that hole under the sink when I first moved in, but you know how he is. I even wont go into the spider situation. “Go Webs!” If you think that is bad. I received in AOL 7.0 cd in the mail saying “We want you back”. God…that cd was so hard to shred!

Speaking of shit that is unreal. Have you ever been in a situation where your friends seem to do everything you do? Or better yet, they try to “one up” you. Well, than your not alone! Lets see…(not that I am counting) when I got a dog….They got a dog. When I got a new computer…They got a new computer. When I said I was getting a PlayStation….”YOOOO, Guess what I got!!!!" (Josie, don’t They have a GameCube too?). So when we decide we are getting married at City Hall…guess what They are doing in a few weeks? BITERS TO MY STYLE HERE’S A CONTRIBUTION!!!

On a final note, I went to Friendly's (again) and a fugly-ass (so ugly she is going to hell) lady sat in the booth behind me. This behemoth coughed up a fucking lung! That disgusts me so much. You want to eat at fine dining establishment and some fucking troll is hacking all over the place. That is how a brother can catch cooties.

Thursday, May 16, 2002

Car Wars...

{Orginally Posted on Blogger}

Well, I seem to be getting daring at my age. For the second time in 5 years I decided to go to a Midnight showing of STAR WARS EPISODE II. Of course, I was blown away by this movie. It was all that (trust me me it was). The sad thing is that it is now 8:30 am and I am DEAD! I had to be at work today at 8am. The movie was like 2 and 1/2 hours loooooooooooong. Dont get me wrong. I enjoyed it. I am just paying for it. I did not go alone. My loving woman went with me. I should mention that she gets grumpy when she is tired. So if you do the math....that is like 4 hours of sleep. WoW. In college, I could have 4 hours of sleep and be moving like a bat out of hell. Now I am more like an old man in a walker.

So, have you have seen the look on someone's face when they think they about to get there ass whipped? Well, I had the unfortunate pleasure of seeing it twice the other day. Both within minutes of each other. Jo and I are going to the mall the other day (Her nail was chipped...which means all 10 fingers have to be re-done). We normally park in the underground garage. So she drives down the ramp and the car in front of us is moving kind of slow as if the drivers is unsure where he is going. Then he backs up! So, Jo does not move at first becuase he stopped and then went foward. Then he backs up again! So she is using all the four letters words you and I can imagine (some multi-letter words in spanish too) and she puts the car in reverse. Of course she does not see the other car on the ramp ( because we are in an L shape corridor) and bang. I thought I heard a crunch.

So Josie gets out of the car! I am staring at the asshole who backed up who has parked by this time ( This dick was going for a parking spot). He is looking our direction like "oops did i do that?" So she is yelling at this lady. "Did you not see me back up?" So the lady mumbles somthing (she thought she was about to get whooped!). Jo gets back in the car and we look space. I shoot this guy (who is actually some teenager) a look like I was in OZ. She parks and we look at the car and it is only a scratch and the teenager comes up to us. "I am so sorry" (please don't kick my ass). When we see it is a scratch we are no longer mad becuase we thought it was going to be a dent. "I am sorry" (please....dont make me your bitch). So told him not to worry about it. She was more angry about the woman not seeing her. Even called her a "stupid bitch" to her face (you just have to love her). This kid looked like he was going to cry. That must have been some look I gave him. I must have gave him that Puerto Rican stare. That hot blooded look "Chingate Cabron!!!!!!"

Monday, May 6, 2002

AOL Again???

{Originally Posted on Blogger}

They saw my page...They Must have. Why else would AOL bill me for $90? Some how they figured I used their shitty product in January. Picture that. They must have seen my cracking AOL 7.0 cds in various stores across New York State.

So I call them and this fool is telling me that I used AOL in December of '01 and January of this year. that will end up costing me $90???? How is that possible? So then the moron tells me and I quote "Oh, well the charges are really $45" So I guess that the original bill was just a scare tactic. Apparently they were just going bill my card and they couldn't.

For those who don't know I changed my card last year because I lost it in NYC. So that makes me feel so much better. They were just going to take that shit for my card. Now I don't use that crap....most of you know that because I celebrated the fact that I don't use "Assholes On Line" any more. They are investigating my alleged use and they will get back to me.

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Spring is Here!

{Originally Posted on Blogger}

Well, it is spring. The weather is getting better. So that means that students will wear less. Now, that is a good thing right? Try again. Today I saw people who need lotion for there ashy knees and elbows (lets not forget the feet folks).

Speaking of feet (oh god, why?), I saw a young woman today in sandals. Before I make this point, I want to mention that is the reason why I don't like open toed shoes and sandals. She is chillin in her sandals and I look down and YIKES!!!! ONION BUNIONS!!!!! How sickening. I knew this girl so I could not laugh, but all I can think about is how in the world do you leave your dorm room with Jesus Wear on and don't file down your BUNS! I know by the time this semester is over I will be blind if I keep seeing shit like this.

I know that Jesus wore sandals and that is fine, but you cannot tell me that he did not file down is Bunions. You know that he did not want his buns and corns showing while was telling parables, it would be too distracting! He must have used a rock or some shit to file them down. Why couldn't she???

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

Bathroom Manners???

{Originally Posted on Blogger}

When I lived in NYC, I talked about the people I saw on the Train. As you could imagine it is different up here. But, human nature is human nature and that means that stupid people live everywhere. So this leads me to talk about Bathroom etiquette.

Why do people act up when they shittin? I went to the bathroom at my job one day and of course, someone was taking care of business. Homeboy started singing!!! I don't mean humming, I am talking about full blown song! NO, I don't remember what he sang. I don't need to pee over a soundtrack, but I got one.

Then there was the time I went to the movies. When you drink too much Pepsi at the theatre you have to go. So I went. Of course, again, someone was taking care of business. Now you know someone is power shittin when they have their coat hanging over the bathroom stall. What kills me is that he comes out saying...."AHHHHHHHHH", while rubbing his belly. WHY????


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