Let me preface this post by saying that these are thoughts in my head that I am toying with. When you drive 4 hours from one place to another, you have time to think about life.
This year I will be 36 years old. I am getting closer to 40 and I start to see many things in my life clearly. I looked over my past battles over the idea of fate and it has left me with one question: What is the point of looking?
Bear with me here. I am going through a divorce in which I was married to her for 8 years. Before her there were years of me being single in which, I was looking for someone to love me as well as someone to love. My prior relationship ended badly and I was thus single for about 3 years. I didn't really date, although I tried. But, I always felt I needed something or someone.
I do not feel that way anymore. Not really sure what has changed or how I got here, but I do feel that I do not need a woman to make me happy. There is the realization that I am talking about need and not want. I not going to say that I do not want a woman because of course I do, but I do not feel that I need the love of a woman to make me happy.
I think that we get in trouble in relationships because we constantly want to look for someone who is perfect for us. Why cant we just let fate decide? I know myself. I know that I will be single for a while. The difference between then and now is the simple fact that being alone no longer bothers me. I have a certain freedom of being able to do what I want to do.
The other things is... I am just not interested. Before I open those can of worms, I will say that I know who I want, but sometimes things are what they are. Outside of that, I am not interested in the drama. I am not interested in the getting to know someone well enough to realize that they are not for me. I am not a person who goes to the club to meet a woman. At this point, I am just going to live my life and let fate decide what is going to happen.
So, what is the point of looking? Ever lose something in your room and cannot find it, then you find it when are not looking for it? Same concept here. While it almost sounds that I am looking without looking, it really isn't. I am too old for many of the games that I see other people go through. Right now, I am just trying to survive this month so I can deal with the next.
Plus, I am a guy and more often than not I seem to run into so many women that will actively preach that men ain't shit. I dig it. I have made my fair share of mistakes and blunders thus, I am now a single man. I still do not see how any woman would want to deal with some of the very real issues I have right now. I am not saying this because feel bad about myself, I really don't. Perhaps it is better this way, I can finally focus on me.
There was a point where I had a fear that I may die alone. Interestingly enough, I do not have that fear anymore. Not to say that I will or that I wont, things happen for a reason. If it meant for me to get another girlfriend it will happen regardless if I look for one or not. So why look?
Trust me, I have heard many things. I am still young, single, and have no children. So that some how qualifies me to be this object that women should go after because after all, women are ruthless. I have been told that everything a woman does is calculated. All I can say is...eh. Solitude is not a bad thing. I have family and friends that will keep me quite busy if I let them.
The point is, I need to get my shit together.
1 comment:
I've often been at this point. And I agree with you: you can't look to others to make you happy. You either are happy or you're not. No one can bring happiness to you.
I think whatever is meant to happen will happen and you'll be rewarded for your patience. (At least that's how I rationalize this state of singleness)
Good luck!
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