A culmination of months of hard work was summed up in one letter that I raced home to read. I opened that letter from Sarah Lawrence College. I was not accepted in the MFA program. I simply closed the letter and placed it in with a pile of other rejection letters that I have received over the last 2 years. I am not happy but I am not sad either. Quite frankly, I am mad.
I am mad because I feel like I cannot escape this place. I know that I put my business out there for all, so it doesn't bother me that I can yell out into an open space and say "I want to go to graduate school!" I believe in my heart that I will do this. I believe that I will become what I want to be come. If anyone who knows me knows that when I get pissed off, I become determined.
I see these rejections of job opportunities and now grad school apps as people telling me that I cannot do something, that I cannot be what I want to be. This is not going to happen. I am more determined to be successful and more determined to be more than what I am right now.
I am just tired of being told I am not good enough. Let me say right now that I am better than good enough. No one has walked in my shoes and has taken the shit that I have taken. No one can understand how patient I have been with all the people and events in my life. People love to judge me and think that I am not going to make it, but I got some news for you: I am not going out like that.
From this point on I will raise the level of my game. I will apply to Sarah Lawrence again, but she no longer the only school I will apply to. So she needs to know I plan on seeing other people. I followed my heart and now my heart will follow me. I will broaden my focus and my horizon. I will continue to write and I will continue to create and I will make a list of school tomorrow to apply to. I am also not limiting myself to just schools. I am putting myself back on the job market.
As a matter of fact, I am taking that letter from the pile and posting it up on my wall. I want to be reminded of this. I want to see this everyday so I can be reminded that I am meant for something bigger. I am better than my undergraduate grades, I am better than any graduate school fee, I am simply better than what I was an hour ago when I read that letter. So, please do not feel sorry that I did not get in, feel happy that something finally got me to be angry enough to see my full potential.
It has been in my nature to take time and lick my wounds and feel sorry for myself, but not anymore. It is time to make my own destiny.
I am tired of losing. I am a sore loser and I plan on winning. I am not bitter, I am better.
3 comments:
Sounds a lot like me...yet again!! Us surviviors always, always, rise up to the bigger challenges that life throws at us. Sometimes we just need a big ass nudge from The Man above... And this my dear friend may be it for you. XO
Thank you Cinthya. I refuse to let this get me down.
My beloved Cousin, determination is in you blood! and I know that you will succeed to attain the goals which you desire. Just remember that, one door closing is a sign of another one opening. Don't look at it as failure, but as it just wasn't meant to be. Perhaps, this is just a sign that there ARE bigger and better things for you out there and in time you will see them become reality. You are on the right path. Stay true to yourself. Love ya Michelle
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