Saturday, May 5, 2012
People think I lead an easy life. They think that because I am positive most times about the here and now as well as the future, that I am living this care free life. People think because I do not call or visit them that I do not care anymore. I get tired of these assumptions because life is hard like it is supposed to be. I don't ask for credit or reward, I just ask for understanding.
I make tough decisions everyday about my personal life. In order to survive and live life with rewards, one needs to take risks. One would also need to make sacrifices, which is a word that I know all too well. As I get older, I now understand that sometimes things need to be sacrificed in order for progress to happen.
People love to judge and assume as if I care about their judgements and superficial concerns. I have yet met anyone who can walk a mile in my shoes. I am not discounting that other people have it worse than I do because I know for a fact that I have a certain amount of privilege. Yet, I find myself being the bigger person in most situations because I do not have the time to be petty nor do I care to rationalize what other people may think. I simply have too much on my plate.
I wouldn't expect most people to understand because all they see is my persona. They see the calm, cool, and collected person that never panics. However, I think about everything. I see the world as a chess board. Each move I make has to set up the next one because losing is not an option. I don't have the luxury to make bad decisions, in fact, I don't have the luxury to make good decisions…all my decisions have to be GREAT. That means they have to be high risk.
I worry about many things. I am great at my job and I love to help people, but I find it so hard to ask others for help. Perhaps I feel that I can either get out of my own messes. Perhaps I feel that I don't deserve the charity of others. I know my dad would just simply say that I am stubborn and perhaps I am. In either case, I push on because bad decisions of the past have to be rectified.
Yet, no matter how many good things I do, I cannot escape my own fear. I consider myself to be a great problem solver and this is one thing I can't seem to solve…my fear. Not just the fear of not making my goals, or not doing the things that I say I would do, it is the fear of failure. It is kind of funny when you really think about — I have failed so many times in the past, one would think I should be quite used to it. However, I'm never used to it. Sure, I move on quicker, but I never get used to failing because I am not a failure at life.
I know that failure breeds success. An inventor never invents ANYTHING on the first try. That person fails and tries again…over and over until success is reached. This is my life in a nutshell. I am trying to get things right despite the glances I may get and the comments I receive. I would never expect them to know my milage because they do not know what is like to walk in my shoes.