Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I don't even know what to say. I have never been here before. During the most busiest time of the school year and I have to fight my way through this. My mother will be having triple bypass surgery and I am at a complete loss for words. I think at this point I am just operating on instinct.
From the moment that I heard about her heart attack this past weekend, I have tried to remain positive. Yet, each day has been a different set of news that seemed to be worse that the day before. It is hard to interpret the news when it is your own parent going through it. There is no choice in the matter but to either feel numb because it is all so sudden or feel pain because it is all so sudden.
It also gets to the point where I really do not want to listen to people tell me how routine this procedure is. Everything has risks. I have always been the type of man to manage my pain and my fear to manageable levels. I could always calculate what kind of emotion that I may have to deal with when a certain situation comes up. This situation has quickly become something that is off the chart.
My complicated relationship with her has made this more difficult. We are not exceptionally emotional with each other. We have just been getting used to the idea that we may have actually repaired something that has been damaged for a long time. Now that I am moving back in a few weeks, I knew that things would only further progress. But, now with all this news about the surgery it makes me think about the mortality of it all. I really have not been this terrified since I learned my dad had Cancer.
Yet, this feeling is so different. I am uncomfortable at the same time. I cannot even pinpoint it. Perhaps it is the little boy in me, that was so close to her, looking to cry out and run to her. I feel layers being stripped from me that I am trying to get back. The first thing to go was my humor and then my tact. While I try to pull myself together I try to maintain the idea that despite her age, my mother is a fighter. I have to believe that she will get through this.
I am making plans to go back to NYC for the weekend. I need to do this because today was hard to push all these feeling to the back as I went through student employee training. I am glad that I can remain professional during trying times, but there is always a personal cost.