Summer of Pain?

Maybe it is in the water or maybe it is all the rain we seem to be getting in the North East. I just seems that everyone is going through something. Of course, I don't really mean everyone. But, most of the people I know are dealing with pain in someway. Particularly this summer. Most of which has to do with a break up or friendship, marriage, or any relationship in general. My question is, What is going on? Where is the summer love?

If no else has noticed it, then that is ok. It doesn't mean that these things are still not happening. I have come to realize that people front all the time. They put up this barrier that is pretty convincing. So, the happy co-worker that you have come to know, may not be very happy at all. What sucks is that most people feel they need to put up a false image of what their life is. I should know because I was one of them. Personally, I put up that good front because I just didn't want people in my business. I hate having to explain why I look a certain way. But, generally there are people who front because they care too much about what people think.

Regardless of all that, there seems to be many people in my life that are hurting for one reason or another and that is sad. I get the same responses all the time. "Men are dumb" or "Women are stupid". I think it is time to face the facts people: We are all pretty much stupid. We all go through periods in our lives in which we make dumb ass choices.

I guess what I am trying to figure out is, why is all this happening in the summer? I thought summer time was a time to have fun and enjoy our lives? Just like that, as I am typing this, it hits me: Summer is the time of new beginnings. For some people, it the ending of school and the bargaining of a new job (if they are lucky). For others, it is just time to shake off the baggage and burdens that other people have. It sucks really, but in general...people suck.

To those people who are hurting: Just take things day by day. The pain will subside. Do not act like the pain is not there, it will only make it worse. Look for the little things in life that may make you smile. Connect with family (unless they are the ones pissing you off), usually family is the one thing that may ease the pain. The more importantly, forgive yourself for whatever part you feel you played in this. Once you can do that...then you can forgive the person who hurt you...and that might be the greatest release of it all.

Summer is not over yet. There is still enough time to enjoy life before winter gets here...

Tid Bit Tuesday (Late Edition)

Thank You

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has supported this blog by reading and commenting, weather on this site or to me personally. Thank you for voting for this blog when you had the chance. I feel that I really have something here. My voice is being heard and my audience continues to rise. I am really enjoying writing as much as I do.

I wanted to point out the Blog Roll on your right. Every time I see an interesting blog I will add it there. I have quite a few and encourage all of you to read some of these blogs. There are truly amazing writers out there. I am also looking for guest bloggers...

Love Again???

It seems that I am always writing about this subject. I think that I have been able to show the many sides of love. I will continue to do so. Yesterday's post was powerful, but what really made it interesting is that the friend I dedicated that blog to replied today. I am sure she will be ok. More importantly, I seem to run into people that have told me that my writing has helped them in some way. I really do hope so.

I am actually in the process of coming up with a list of movies that have no love in it! This should help some of my friends who are also getting a divorce. Hey we need entertainment too!

Latinos in America

CNN is going to air this documentary in October about my people. While I am excited that this will show Latinos for more than what the stereotypes make us seem to be, I am willing to bet a small fortune that there will be no Afro-Latinos anywhere in that documentary. It has been awhile since I have talked about this subject but I already know how this story goes.

Afro Latinos are very underrepresented in all forms of media across the world, with the exception of athletes. I am so hoping that CNN will do something to represent them. However, I know better. As a matter of fact, many of us no better. When I talk to Latinos about this special they tell me that Afro-Latinos will probably be in Latinos in America 2. How funny is that?

Unrequited Love

I am dedicating this blog to a friend, who last night, had her heart broken by a man that she loves. Her grief and anger are so very apparent and I feel bad because the words I have for her are not close to enough to soothe her. The fact that I understand provides very little comfort. The problem is that she loved a man that claims to not love her back. How does one recover from that? How do you tell someone to just move on when they are so very attached to the person they love.

Unrequited love is the worst kind of love. When you love someone and they do not return that love the feeling is often close to deep pains in the chest. Reactions to this situation can result in anger, depression, rage, and violence. But often times Unrequited love just results in deep sadness because no matter what, you will always love this person. The hardest part is that she may never know what his true feelings are. I cannot say what they are because I do not know. I can speculate, but what good will that do?

I want her to move on the best way she can. It is not good to hold on to anger. Sure, she is going to be sad, but that will pass in time. I believe she needs to accept that it is not meant to be with this dude. I find it hard to tell her this because she is angry! Sure, I can try to give her a glimmer of hope, but I am not sure that is the right thing to do.

What I want her to understand as well as myself is that life is full of opportunities. Each one of us is unique and special. We all have the potential to fall in love and have someone fall in love with us. The problem is that not everyone is ready to do so. We need to have faith that it will happen for us somewhere down the line. Some people are lucky to find their loves early in life. Others find it late in life. We all make mistakes and lose love...but that does not mean we should give up.

At one point she said that she would have rather never fall in love then ever feel this pain. I think that is a mistake. We all need to feel the good and bad sides of love to fully understand what it is we want. Once we know what it is to lose something then we will try no to lose it again if we are fortunate enough to get love again.

The best advice I have for her is that it is his loss. If he is willing to push aside someone who was willing to give him all the love in the world, then it is his loss.

The Opposite of Love

For awhile now, I have been thinking about a blog that I read months ago. It was a very interesting post about the opposite of love (still waiting for GP to write more). This is something that I have been thinking about. In that post, there is the thought that selfishness is the opposite of love. Then there is the thought that hate would be the opposite. Finally there is the suggestion that indifference might be the opposite side of love. I think I have explored this and have come up with a answer.

Let me go into my exploration. Love is the perfect emotion. I think that many of us can achieve it, but many of us tend to lose it. I have often thought that hate is the opposite of love. With hate comes negative feelings and emotions like rage that leads to violence. Whereas Love is more peaceful and calm. So it just makes sense that love and hate are on different sides of the same coin.

It was suggested that indifference is the opposite of love. Well, indifference is the lack of emotion. I think many people can pretend to be indifferent toward other people but that is just difficult to do. You can expend much energy to pretend not to care. However, true indifference is just a lack of enthusiasm and not caring. I am not sure this is the opposite of love. It is like saying that having no emotion at all is on the other side of the coin of love. I don't know about that.

Selfishness is actually pretty close. The idea that you can do things that only benefit yourself is a very far cry from love. However, we can all be selfish and I think that in some cases it is a requirement. We can love so much and lose ourselves that being selfish at times is what keeps us grounded. Besides there is something else that is much worse than selfishness.

Let me digress here for a moment and have my geek side take over. There is a reason why I have been thinking about this (besides my current issues). As you all know, I collect comic books. One of them is Green Lantern. This is a book about a man who is a part of a intergalactic police force. More importantly, his green ring represents a color in the emotional color spectrum. There is a series called Blackest Night which is a war that is taking place within the books that has to do with the various colors of the color spectrum.

Bare with me here. Green represents Willpower and that means that you need to have a certain amount of willpower to use the ring. So lets see the colors: Yellow is Fear, Orange is Avarice (greed), Blue is Hope, Red is Rage, Violet is Love, Indigo is Compassion, and Black is Death. So what I find interesting is the different dynamics of all this. Each color has a ring and each ring has a symbol. What struck me the most about these symbols was love and compassion, which are close in colors. Violet, which is love, is a star with a circle in the middle, which represents the outward feeling of love. Compassion is similar, the indigo symbol is a circle in the middle with two triangles pointing outwardly (both up and down) which represents charity and concern for other people.

From what I can tell, Rage (red) is the opposite of compassion. However, the opposite of Love is Avarice. The symbol for Avarice is this orange circle with points and lines pointing inward, representing the power of greed. That made me think. I consider compassion and love, in the real world, to be the same thing. You cannot have one without the other. However, avarice is not the right fit for the opposite of love. Avaraice is more about greed and wanting material things. Which makes me think about selfishness but more directly made me think of pride.

Love is such a powerful emotion that make us think outwardly. If we have that feeling of love we would be willing to do anything for people we are close to. Once we are in love, then we think more about that other person than we would ourselves. We would put our own safety aside for loved ones. We would die for our children, parents, and spouses. That is because we feel that love and it is strong.

Pride is also powerful, but it will make us think inwardly. Sure, we would have the ability to love, but it would be mostly for ourselves. We would never admit we are wrong and would refuse the advice or help of others. Sure, we would help people, if it benefited us. Our arrogance would be very apparent. We would think our own worth is greater than others. Basically, we would think we are all that and we are above any subjection. Which is why pride is sin in just about every major religion: Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and Taoism. Clearly my examples of having pride is extreme but I think I made my point.

The quote that I have always heard was "Pride goes before a fall" which is a paraphrase of a passage from the book of Proverbs, in the Old Testament. I have dealt with prideful people in my lifetime and it is not something that I would not wish on anyone. Family members tend to be the worst at this. I am not sure what color of the emotional spectrum Pride would be, but I would guess it would be somewhere between Avarice (orange) and Fear (yellow).

Everything Happens For a Reason

As I prepare to run 4 miles today, something I haven't done in more than a week, I wanted to get this entry out so that I can clear my head. One of the things that I have come to believe in, is the notion that everything happens for a reason. Everyone has their own theories on life, but this one seems to be the one that works for me.

I want to preface everything I say here by stating that as awesome as all this may sound, I have serious trouble following my own advice. Part of having a positive attitude about things requires a sense that you or I believe that down the road, everything will be ok. I do remember having this feeling earlier in my life that no matter what, things will just work out in the end because they just always did. It was this type of thought process that leads many people to think that I was carefree.

The problem becomes dealing with unforeseen issues in our lives. I know for me, the last 3-4 years of my life was just a roller coaster of things that I was just not prepared for. Yet for some reason I always felt that things will work themselves out. All this changed over the last several months. The life that I once knew has been slowly fading away and I am forced to create a new one. I am not so sure that things will always work out.

What I am sure of is that everyone in my life at this moment, serves a purpose. I am able to get motivation from people that I have either met on twitter or people that have been in my life for years. We all have a role to play. I am not talking destiny by any means. Destiny is just another form of thought that some people have on weather we are destined to do or become something. I wont say that I believe that, but I will say that there are things that happen in our lives that lead us in certain directions.

I also want to be clear in saying that I do not believe in Fate either. I think we lead our own lives and we end up where we end up based on the choices we make in life. I do not believe that you cannot just sit around shit will just happen for you. We are granted Free Will so that we can choose what happens to us. I just think that our choices are part of the fabric of life that interconnect with everything else.

I am not sure I would be where I am right now had my parents stayed together. I am not sure where I would be had I not been married. I am not sure where I would be if I didn't have the friends I have to talk to me about my problems. What I do know is that everything happens for a reason. I may never know those reasons right now but they might be revealed in the future.

Tid Bit Tuesday

Finally Home!

After a 20+ hour drive, I am back from Florida. I had a great time. I didn't do much, but that is the point right? I was able to chill out with the folks and talk. I feel bad because the stash of Bud Light Lime is gone. I am not sure how many of those I had. Overall, I had plenty of time to myself, which is what I wanted.

The ride back was better then the ride going. We completely bypassed New York and New Jersey. Of course, I am home now and I am pretty bored...already.

10 Things I Learned on My Trip..

1. It rains EVERYDAY in Central Florida! Sure the Sun comes out, but you better head inside by 3pm.
2. We, as in New Yorkers, cannot complain about rain. The size of these drops will keep you wet for hours. Trust me my sandals are not the same (squish)
3. Running 4 miles is not happening after 9am. It is way too hot. Wasn't trying to die.
4. People from Virgina cannot drive...if you don't believe me drive that portion of I95
5. Pennsylvania has construction for no reason. They tare up the roads just to piss people off. The same project from last year...is still being worked on.
6. North Carolina is a HUGE state...I am still dreaming about driving through it.
7. Disney World has the best customer service period...hands down.
8. You cannot drive that far without a GPS system. That thing (a Tom Tom) was great!
9. I could live on Ceviche...I may have to blog about that.
10. I discovered that I am down a pants size...(all that running)

I Got Darker

One thing I wanted to make sure was that there was some visible proof that I went to Florida. Sure, I can take pictures and show them around, but nothing says vacation like black skin! There was a point last week when I told myself I need to just sit outside and just cook. My dad has a nice pool behind the house that is screen in (damn those insects). I sat out there when it wasn't raining and read my book.

Now, there maybe...some pictures that might get out, that perhaps my father in his infinate wisdom, will post on his Facebook. Yes, the man has Facebook. So does my step mother. I gave a Facebook 101 class the first night I was there. In either case, I will let you know.

I think there is video too...

Forgive Yourself First

I am currently on the road back to Syracuse and I know that it has been a few days since my last post. I wanted to write something. I originally was going to write about Disney but I will save that for later in the week. As usual, the urge to write something else has hit me. Let me start by asking you to forgive any typos since I am writing this entry from my phone.

Funny that I am asking forgiveness when this the subject on my mind. One thing I have noticed over my trip when talking to family is that someone is always upset or mad at someone else within the family for a whatever reason. Not matter how stupid or serious the reason it always seems to be a reason that causes angst. Of course if you love someone and they do something that hurts you it will always be difficult to deal with. Family will always be the first to hurt us.

Looking at it from a view of a friendship or relationship, depending how deep it is, the pain of someone hurting us can be just as great or even greater especially if love is involved. Most of the time the reaction to being hurt is the same. We deal with it and move on. However there are those times when we cannot deal and a relationship needs to end because of it. We find it hard to forgive another person.

Forgiveness is the hardest part of love. It is hard to let go of someones wrong doing. More importantly, it is hard to forgive ourselves for putting ourselves in the situation in the first place. Let's not forget that we can also be the ones that hurt other people. So in either case, forgiveness is hard to come by because we tend to be hard on ourselves. I cannot begin to say how much I blame myself for the things that have gone wrong in my life. But eventually, I need to move on and forgive myself because on the end I have to look in the mirror.

More importantly, by forgiving myself, I can forgive others. I can let go of all the negatives and mistakes of the past. This is the best way to love. We all know people make mistakes and we all know that there are some evil people as well. None of that matters. It takes too much energy to hate someone. The stress and angst of being angry is not good for us. It is all part of letting go.

I worry about several people in my life. They lack the ability to let go. My father is one of these people. For as much good as he has done for me, he has so much pent up anger for relatives and people in general who have done him wrong. Nice people tend to get taken advantage of and it is a sad part of life, but we can turn that around by forgiving the fools who hurt us.

Women are Ruthless

All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

It is amazing what people will say when they find out that I am getting a divorce. I know that many people really do not know what to say when they hear about it, but there are those who know exactly what to say. From what I can tell, those who are still married and have never been through a divorce (or never witnessed one with their parents) never know what to say. It is those who have been through a divorce of any kind that have the most to say.

A few weeks ago, I had a buddy of mine talk to me when he found out that I was getting a divorce. After making sure that I was ok, he begins to tell me how different women are from when we were single. Of course, I am thinking, "have I been married that long?" Seriously, did something happen that I don't know? How the hell are things different? He tells me this one line that I am not going to forget: Bitches are ruthless. Whoa.

He explains to me that women will do whatever is necessary to get what they want. His point is that I am good catch and women these days will sniff me out and "sink their claws in me." He had a general concern that I may not be ready for this. I have told him what I am telling everyone: I am not trying to date anyone. I need to do me. I need to make myself happy. He is response that I can use women to achieve this goal...again, whoa.

So, like I normally do when I encounter such information, I seek the advice of my female friends. Imagine my surprise when they agreed! There is something that I never really thought about and that is the fact that there is a man shortage. Women out number us, which give men the ability to have options. Women, particularly in my age group, that are looking for a good man will make sure they will do what they need to to achieve this goal. I found this to be very surprising.

See, I hated dating when I was in my 20's. In fact, I didn't do it much. Why? because women did not pay much attention to me. Now, maybe you can blame that on the fact that I was looking in the wrong direction when it came to women. However, it seemed to me that women in their 20's are looking for something I do not have. Most, times they seem to be looking for thugs, and I am far from that. Maybe times have changed, but I cannot say for sure. So the fact that women will try to get their claws into me is something I am not really ready to accept.

It was then explained to me that their are certain qualities that I posses. I am educated. I have a good career. I can take care of myself. After that, the two most important things: I am (or will be) single and I have no kids. Whoa. I find this all to be very interesting. I can understand what people are telling me, but all I can say it that I am still not dating anyone. You cannot "sink your claws" into something you cannot grab.

So, now I am in My Sanctuary, here in Florida. My parents have taken much time and effort into pulling just about every detail into what happened with my marriage. I told them just about everything. At the end, we talked about my future, and once again I was told that women can be ruthless! My dad pretty much told me that when a woman wants something she will do anything, including hurting her friends to get a man she wants. That is crazy! My step mother did not even disagree! In fact, she told me that women just do not care. Where are these women?? I am really trying to figure out who I know that is like that.

This information is something I clearly need to ponder. I mean I wont go into it too deeply, but it is something I need to be aware of. I wont lie, I have been under the impression that most women do not know what they want. However, with age this changes. I begin to wonder it is because of desperation or simply that the men they have dated in the past simply were not for them and they need a change of pace. I am not sure.

All I can say is that women confuse me and will always confuse me. I know I am not perfect. But, perhaps with the man shortage I was told about, it is difficult for a woman to make a choice on what to do.

Tid Bit Tuesday (Florida Edition)

DOG!

This past Saturday I went to a wedding for a co-worker. We left pretty early in the afternoon. Of course it rains pretty much every day up here so, there was a big thunderstorm in Syracuse. My dog, Rocky, does not like Thunderstorms. So, when he hears the noise he pretty much goes crazy. He will bark and scratch at the door (same thing happens with fireworks). Usually it passes when the thundering stops. He normally stays in the patio in the backyard, but sometimes he will just let himself get soaked.

We get back from the wedding at about 10 and when Josie calls out to Rocky, he does not answer. So I go out to the back with a flash light. Nothing, no sign of him anywhere. I am like stunned. How the hell does this dog get out??? Not to mention that I have to drive to Florida in the morning. So we wait until the morning to report him lost at the various animal shelters. Once we knew we could do nothing...we left for Florida (5 hours later than scheduled).

We were somewhere in southern New Jersey when I got a call from the SPCA that someone may have found Rocky. Turns out my neighbor, 2 doors down, found him and took him in! So all i had to do was arrange from someone to get him, which I did. My dear friend Maria, picked up Rocky yesterday and returned him to our home (where he is now CHAINED...kidding). Thank you all for the well wishes. We were concerned because he had not had his medicine in over a day, but Maria is making sure that he is fine. Thank You Maria!

Trip to Florida

So far my trip is going well. The drive down was good. I want to say it was rough, but driving all 17 hours was not bad. There were 3 of us on this trip so there was a lot of conversations and laughter. I am always amazed how beautiful the country can be on the road. I ended up driving late at night and earlier in the morning.

I know I mentioned this before but, I really do love to drive. During this time on my life, I feel that is one of things I can do that I need to concentrate on and not think to much about what seem to be happening to me.

My Sanctuary

I have decided to call my parents home "My Sanctuary." This is become my place where I do not have to do anything. I can just be here with my thoughts and not worry about my job or any other outside influences. I did bring some books to read. I plan on being in the pool and just doing nothing.

I actually had some drinks. Gin and Tonic. I never had that before. Really not bad. I had ceviche too! This should be a good week because I deserve it. I need to have some time to be a monk and just live for me. I think I can do that.

The Enigma

Last night I received, what I considered, to be one of the best compliments I have gotten. I was called an enigma by some who reads this blog. I took this to be a very good thing considering that what was pointed out to me is that my emotions, I talk about on this blog, is very tangible. I so appreciate what was told to me. (Thank you for that, you made me think about this one.)

It makes me think about my life as a big puzzle. I feel that I have allowed my life to become this scattered array of pieces that I now have to put back together. The problem is that not all the pieces are fitting the way they used to. So now, I have to come up with a different vision of what my life will ultimately look like in order for me to solve this puzzle.

Sticking to my nerdy side, when I see the word enigma, I think of the Batman villain, The Riddler. His real name in the comic is Edward Nigma (E.Nigma...get it?). The hard part in this whole process that I call my life, is to figure out my emotions that have been very much like riddles to me. Riddle me this, Riddle me that, why is my heart too fat? Maybe because I care too much or dare I say I love too much.

Perhaps the real puzzle is my heart. Not to say that it is has been shattered into a million pieces that has caused this puzzle, but the true riddle is in find out what it is that I really want. Each piece of this puzzle represents the past, present, and future. What I used to want I cannot have. What I currently want is being played out ever so painfully. What I want in the future...well that is the mystery huh?

I was the type of man that had a plan for how my life will be. Go to college...get married...have a family...live happily ever after. Well the train got derailed by my worst enemy...me. So I have to break out the puzzle pieces to recreate what is my heart, but this time with no plans. That is hard to do! I mean I plan events for a living! My whole life is an event and I cannot even plan it! How much sense does that make? (I am smiling as I write this).

So, what do I do? I have reflected back to my Heart vs Head blog. Thinking with my head is very much planning things out. Thinking with my heart is a fly by the edge of my seat type of thing. The problem becomes satisfying both factions (I am such a typical Gemini). However, I have decided to follow my heart with everything I do. I KNOW I said that I would follow my head, but it just doesn't feel right to me. I am just tired of all games and all the rules. I need to just be me and that starts with doing things that feel right. The biggest advice I give to people is, "in the end, everything will work itself out", I need to heed my own advice.

I will rebuild my life and my heart. I will learn to love the simple things in life again. I will learn to forgive myself and others. I will solve this riddle. But, until then I will remain an enigma to myself.

Why I Read Comic Books

"The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers." - Carl Jung

I need to change the mood of this blog. There has been too much talk about death and sadness. So, now it is time to show my nerdy side. I have been collecting comic books all my life. It has always been an escape for me. I have noticed over the last several months to maybe about a year, I have not been reading my comics at all. Don't get me wrong, I would still buy them and add them to the rest of the pile, but I just didn't read them. I know myself. I knew that I will eventually get to them.

Then 2 weeks ago a I had a dream. I was in bathroom. I was either shaving or brushing my teeth, but when I opened up the medicine cabinet, falling out were comic books wrapped individually in plastic. The covers were so vivid that I could read the title of the different books, most of which did I did not collect. I had found this very strange because I have never dreamt about comic books before.

It turns out that I was having several weird dreams that week. This was just one that stood out to me. I have always believed that dreams are a way of our subconscious letting us know of issues that need to addressed by our conscious mind (I studied Carl Jung in college). Usually, if you do not try to figure out what your dream is about, you end up repeating them. So, I ended up going to this website and looked up the meaning of this dream. I will say that there were other occurrences in the dream that I am neglecting to divulge...but this part of that dream effected me greatly.

So I look up comic books and it states: To see comic books in a dream signifies that you are taking life too seriously. My jaw dropped. Have I been taking my life too seriously? Have I been this nut job that stressed myself our to no end? Is that why I stopped reading comic books (and regular books) because life is just too damn hard? This was a startling revelation to me. If you know me well enough, then you know that I am reading my comic books as soon as I buy them. I just haven't been doing that.

I know that some women think that reading comics at my age is immature, but I don't really give a shit. Let me just day that it was my mother who got me into reading comic books. She would buy them for me when I was very young. I would read them and enjoy the writing and the art. She knew what I collected and made sure I kept up with it. I may not have a great relationship with her, but by fondest memory of my mother was when I was sick with a fever in bed and I was just so miserable. She walked in with 10 new comic books for me to read. That made me feel better than anything else. It made me love to read and it made me want to write!

I have always wanted to be a writer when I was a kid. I actually wrote different adventures and at one point created my own superheroes with their own unique set of characteristics. In fact, I created a whole world of my own. I even shared my adventures with friends (I still have the book around here somewhere...). I also know how to draw, I just don't think I am that great at it. As, I grew older my skills in writing became better than my skills at being an artist. Besides, it seemed that with every issue of Spiderman or the Justice League of America, my vocabulary improved. You would be surprised how much a 10 year old can comprehend when reading about a character named Firestorm when it come to Nuclear Mechanics and Atomic Restructuring.

My point is, this was escape for me. I lived in the Bronx and I would much rather run to the comic book store than play craps on the corner. Sure, I was made fun of and talked about by the "cool" kids, but I don't see any of them with a blog 20 years later. So the principle remains the same. Comic books are an escape for me. The best part about them now is that they are now being written by writers who are my age and see the world almost the same way I do.

I finally starting reading them again this past weekend. I was very fulfilling. I didn't think about any of my problems in the hours it took me to catch up. Well, there was book in particular in which Red Arrow got advice about love from Green Lantern...

Ok, I need to stop, but I will not stop reading...

Tid Bit Tuesday

Air McNair

I remember when I was in college. There were 2 black quarterbacks that were making serious moves on the football field. One was Donvan McNabb, and the other was Steve "Air" McNair. He was just that good. ESPN could not get enough of showing this kid throwing touchdown passes down the field. You could tell that he was a master of this craft.

I am sadden by his death. 36 years old??? That is just crazy to me. I feel that all these celebrity deaths are turning every blog I read (including this one) into a larger discussion about death and mortality. This is definitely to reflect on our positions in life. I am quite sure things will get better.

R.I.P Steve...

MJ Tribute

Work got in the way. Maybe that is just an excuse. I could be out there right looking at this. I decided to stand back and not do it. I am hoping that CNN replays this. Just looking at all the Twitter updates suggest that this memorial if far better than any thing BET can conjure up. I am just not ready to say good bye yet. I still have so many songs in my head.

I have already started my quest in getting all the songs I need to get to create my ultimate Michael Jackson play list. I noticed that the older the song, the more powerful the song is. I am just still amazed how relevant his songs are in my life. I truly understand when people have said that MJ provided the soundtrack for their lives. I think that he is still providing the soundtrack for mine.

I still maintain that the songs he left for his kids will all be smash hits. They will pay for their education. We will all benefit from hearing him on the radio again. CNN is replaying the trubute at 7pm...

Florida

My trip to Florida is almost upon me. I cannot wait to hit the road. People think that I am crazy for driving down there, but I am ok with that. I love to drive so, I will not worry about it. Driving really puts me at ease and it makes me not think about much of anything. I am also an expert at making play lists, so I will have plenty of music to entertain me. If all else fails, then I have satellite radio.

This will be the first time I will have seen my father since May. So, I will get to have great food because the man can cook. I do intend to keep up this blog both on the road and in Florida. Disney is in my future, so I hope I get to have some fun there. I will just say that the plan is for me to relax. I do have the following week off as well, but I will spending that time at home.

One more thing. My father has a killer Salsa music collection. I fully intend on copying as many CDs as possible...

Head vs Heart

I have been thinking about this topic all weekend. When making decisions we are always considering following our hearts. Then there is the thought about following our heads. I always find it amazing that there can be such a difference from following our hearts rather than following our heads. Some people may do this easier than most. They can balance the two factions within us. I am not sure that I have done a great job of this.

I am a person who just thinks way too much. Yet, I seem to follow my heart way too much when it comes to love and life. My head takes a back seat sometimes because many times I follow what feels right to me. The more I think about it, I seem to do that a lot. Especially, with my students. As hard as I can be with them, I seem to give them chances at redemption with either employment or grades. I like to think that I generally care and maybe I do, too much.

When I do not act with my heart, I will analyze my choices and decisions so much. I try to justify something I have done and thus overload my brain with thoughts. I have made many decisions based on the what I thought was right rather that what I felt was right. Of course when that happens I become OCD. I starting thinking about "what if" scenarios, which is never good.

To be honest, I would rather make a decision based on heart rather than head. I have always been that way. I tend to not have a headache when I make a wrong decision that was based on something I thought about, but when I make a wrong decision based on heart...then well I get into a whole world of heartache. However, despite the chance of heartache...the rewards for successfully following your heart tend to be greater.

Not to say that I don't get a heartaches from making a mental mistake. It just easier to get over. When I talk about heartaches, I am talking about the feeling that we may all get, that is right in middle of our chest that no drug can take care of. To me, that is one of the worse pains I can go through. My estimation is a broken heart is worse than a migraine. At least with a migraine I can sleep it off, not so much with heartache. The pain from a broken heart seems to last for a very long time.

I bring all this up because it seems like death is all around us these days. We tend to forget the little things in life that bring us joy. We tend to take for granted the people in our lives because we simply believe they will always be there. Nothing hits more than reading Lisa Marie Presley's blog about Michael Jackson. It is never too late to tell someone you care about them. While I personally believe life can be long...not everyone gets to live a long life. Steve McNair is a great example of that. He was a year older than me!

Lord knows that I have been trying to live my life for me over the last few months. There have been times that have been difficult and challenging. Opportunities will continue to appear at my feet, but sometimes I wonder if following my heart at this stage of my life is still the smart thing. I think that I have gone down paths that I have still not fully recovered from, so why follow my heart now? Right now my head is steering the ship in my life. My heart is taking the backseat, I just wonder if that changes the person I am.

My Soundtrack (Michael's Edition)

I was going to write about how unmotivated I was, but then a Michael Jackson song came on and I had to groove to it. I began to think about how I skipped yesterday's blog. I try not to skip days on this blog, but sometimes I have nothing to say. Don't get me wrong, I can be busy too. I have written a poem that is not quite ready for this blog yet. I consider it to be too real. At the same time, I am contemplating the next blog for Monday. So I have a lot of things rolling around in this head of mine.

Anyway, with that being said, I wanted to build upon something I did last week: My soundtrack. It is so hard to pick a top 10 or a top 20 of anything these days. With Micheal Jackson, it that much harder. Most of his songs are just so damn good. They can make you groove, or make you think about the world, or just make you cry. I still maintain he has the best songs about love, which makes it so hard to list to at times.

So I decided that I will list the top 20 Micheal Jackson songs on my iTunes that I listen to the most. This will include all songs through out his career:

1. Blame it on the Boogie - The Jacksons
2. Off The Wall - Michael Jackson
3. P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing) - Michael Jackson
4. Dancing Machine - Jackson 5
5. Walk Right Now - The Jacksons
6. Rock With You - Michael Jackson
7. Billy Jean - Michael Jackson
8. Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough - Michael Jackson
9. Human Nature - Michael Jackson
10. Butterflies - Michael Jackson
11. Working Day & Night - Michael Jackson
12. Thriller - Michael Jackson
13. Can You Feel It? - The Jacksons
14. Remember The Time - Michael Jackson
15. Beat It - Michael Jackson
16. Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson
17. Wanna Be Starting Something - Michael Jackson
18. Who's Loving You - Jackson 5
19. Shake Your Body (Down To The Ground) - The Jacksons
20. Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson

Ask me again next week and I will tell you that the order of these songs will change. Right Now, as I was compiling this list, I was listening to "Ben". I do not have all his songs, but I am working on it.

Let me know what songs you feel should make this Top 20.

Poem: Facet of Me

In my quest to shake off the bad vibes of last month, I decided to post this poem that I wrote a few years ago. This is a different type of poem you may expect from me, but hey, I am a man...

She engulfs my presence
Runs shivers through my essence
Her movements are so calculated
Her actions have so demonstrated
That her intent is to explore every facet of me

Once she makes me feel warm,
Words become hard to form
I close my eyes so I can dream
About how this should never end
But her intent is to explore deeper the very facet of me

Her eyes are fixed on every expression
Everything she has done is right with no exception
I try to push back my excitement because I know
As well as she does where this will go
But her intent is to consume every facet of me

She takes over with complete control
Ready to take my body as a whole
My manhood loves when she goes down this road
And is waiting for her to break the mold
Her intent is devour the very facet of me

She takes me on roller coaster with every turn
Up and down, side to side, each move I yearn
For a bigger plunge and a faster spin
I try to hold out, but this a game she will win
Her intent is to dominate the facet of me

My excitement kills the hush
As I explode with such a rush
Intent quickly become reality
Revealed to her is the inner man she can see
She has taken the very facet of me