Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Sometimes we all have to take a leap of faith. I have noticed that family has been on my mind for quite sometime now because of my trip to the Dominican Republic. Clearly, I have done a lot of introspection before and after this trip.
I am emotional. I know that. This has been my issue for awhile now, that I cannot control them. Granted, most people do not see it as much and that is the way I prefer it. I rather hide behind my humor and sarcasm. In fact, I rather people think I am distant. When I was in the Dominican Republic I saw something else besides true love, I saw family. Yes, mi familia was there and so was the bride's and what I saw was how a family should be. So I caught myself being pensive at times.
I recognize that I strive to be things that my parents are not. My dad is impatient and my mother is irrational. These are two things that I work on the most when deal with people in general. However, both of my parents are emotional, which is why I believe their divorce took so long because neither wanted to give in a inch to the other all based on emotion.
As I have gotten older I have lost more control over my feelings in general. I try not to take many things personally and I do believe in forgiveness and the ability to let go. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have had some issues with my mother. We have had trouble seeing eye to eye since I was 16. Compound that with a messy divorce and my need to rebel and we both have years of just not speaking to each other. I can sit here and tell you that this is all her fault but I am not doing to do that. I know that I have my faults to.
Over that last few month and leading into this month I have slowly been letting my mother back in. The reason being that she is not getting any younger. I feel that I have enough mother figures in my life that I may not really need to have her in my life, but I may need to be in hers. In many ways I feel that I am the prodigal son returning...again.
I often say that there is no manual for being married, well it is the same thing for being in a family. While I sat at the wedding reception in DR, I noticed all 96 of the brides family members (exaggerating) party and act like a family. Maybe that is their public face but they put on awesome show of unity. My family does not do that unless someone dies.
Having a discussion with one of my cousins, we feel that it is younger generation of our family that may be the ones to teach the older folks what family means. I see where my family is heading on both parents side. I am not saying that things are disastrous but, what I am saying is that we are blood. We are bound by the fact that we are indeed related. While, we cannot save everyone, we can preserve what family is. I think that is what is lost these days when we talk about people losing their sense of history. It all starts with family passing down stories, traditions, and language. If you do not have that then what do you have?
If I am truly going to have kids, as many of you seem to believe, then what foundation can they root themselves in if they do not have family behind them? Forgiveness does not mean forgetness (I made that up) but it does mean letting go in order to move on.