Monday, May 31, 2010

True Love...

“The most important thing in life is to learn how 
to give out love, and to let it come in.” - Morrie Schwartz

I saw something out in the Dominican Republic that I will be thinking about for a long time. I saw true love. I am not saying that I have not seen it before because I have. Sometimes when you see it is unrecognizable or maybe too mushy to take, but make no mistake, I know what I saw. I think my brother (cousin) has really found something that not many people ever obtain.

I think the rest of the families see it too. Especially on the Dominican side. She is their pride and joy. I could not be happier for them. This is the second wedding that I have gone to since the decision was made to break our my marriage. This one hit me more just seeing 2 people put in the hard work to get married. You can see they worked hand in hand to get every detail just right. This is what a wedding should be like.

I makes me wonder what I need to do to get there. Not to be married, but to find that true love that we should all be striving for. Maybe I had it and lost it. I am not sure only time will tell. This would be the first occasion that I have gotten misty eyed at a wedding. I try not to get emotional but I know how big that day was.

To be honest, I always thought that my brother waited to long to get himself together enough to find the one. But I now realize that all the trials he has been through has gotten him here to this moment. While I got married sort of young, I thought I was the one who had it all. Now I am picking up the pieces. Clearly I was mistaken. Perhaps I should have waited but that is all water under the bridge. Things happen for a reason and he and his new bride are happy. I love that. I always wanted him to be as happy as he can be.

I cannot really define what true love is. I can only write about it and hope that one day i get it right. It took my father getting married a 3rd time to solidify what his true love is. I hope I am that lucky.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

La Bomba

Right now, I have several stories in my head about this week that I am not sure where to begin. I will talk about this drink that I was given to settle my stomach called "La Bomba". But, before I get there and say why I need the drink in the first place, what needs to be understood is that what people really do not talk about when taking trips to places such The Dominican Republic is that our American bodies are not prepared for whatever bacteria or micro-organisms we may encounter. So I am here to say that one can get very sick when drinking the water.

As I mentioned, we were in a resort so they do have bottled water and tap water that the bars serve you that is said to be "filtered". There is even a sign in the bathroom of the hotel room that says to no drink the water. So, being that I have been to Cancun before and have gotten sick, I was sooo not going to drink the water. Here is the problem...most of the drinks are made with ice. Now, when I say I drank everyday...I am not kidding. I now have people who will no longer drink with me because I got them way too drunk.

The two days leading up to the wedding as well as that beautiful day, I was fine. I was knocking them back and I was eating just about anything. Most of the time I was either having Vodka and Cranberry or just Mojitos. The night of the reception was crazy! The place we went to (which the name still escapes me) has mojitos served as a part of the cocktail reception before dinner. So by the end of the night, I think I had about 6 and had 2 shots of Tequila (one of which was a double).  I am feeling very good. We went to a club in which I drank more and then I was hungry of course. We ate at a buffet and then I passed out in my room.

The next morning I wake up. I am fine. I am in my bed and mi prima (cousin) is in hers. I get out of bed and my stomach was puedo. I went to the bathroom and felt better. I go to breakfast and I notice that not only can I not eat...but smell of the food is make me queasy! So I am not like...No..tell me that on my last full day in the Dominican Republic I am going to be sick. I have one pancake and some cafe and I head back to the room.

When I sit down or lay back. I am fine. I feel no pain. When I stand it is like my stomach begins to lose the battle against gravity. I thought about how I can be smart about this. Eventually this will pass. If I lay by the beach I will fine. I can just get some sun and I will still be able to relax. So I do that and I have a nice tan to show for it. I find out that my two cousins are sick too. The one I am rooming with and the brother of the groom...and they are worse off than me.

So after the beach, mi prima  and I head toward the lobby of the resort where we meet up with her sister. She tells us that the brother of the groom had a drink called "La Bomba." This was something that one of the staff recommended to drink in order to settle our stomachs. That did not sound too bad. I figured we would just take this home remedy and we will be fine. We order it and the bartender knew what it was of course. He makes two. It was a small drink in a small glass and it look skin of the devil red. It had pieces of herbs floating in it. This was not looking like such a good idea. This was going to taste horrible! So we decide we are going to knock it back and hold the breath while doing it!

The best way I can describe this taste is if you could liquefy a few old pennies and drink them...the taste would be spot on! I never tasted anything so nasty in my entire life. For what it was seemed to work, but only up until a certain point. As the night went on, I felt somewhat stable but my cousins got worse. Mi prima bought some pepto and we took shots of that. Not even 5 minutes after that she was turning colors. She had to back to the room where she did not do so well. I went to check on her later and she explained how she may have lost some wait because she was hugging the toilet most of the night.

I am scared now. I am hearing stories of other people getting the chills and sick for like a day. I have not gotten any of that. Just stomach cramps! I got up this morning after after barely sleeping because of my bathroom trips and I told myself that I can make it through this flight! I will have to will myself to not use any bathroom until I get home to New York. I am good for most of the morning. We are flying out of Santo Domingo so he have to take shuttle there. It is a 90 minute ride. I make it. We get to the airport and I feel the stomach churning..damn it! So I am plotting on how I can get to the men's room before the flight leaves. We get all check in. I head to the terminal. One of my other cousins asks if I wanted food. I just give her this scowl and say..."my next meal will be on American soil". At this point I am eying the bathroom at the terminal. Then I hear my name through the PA. Something in Spanish about I need to see!

So the people at the gate are telling me that they cannot identify something in one of the bags I checked. I am thinking about the mini statue I bought that was super wrapped. So, knowing I have no bombs, I wait for them to come get me. My flight is at 12:10 and it is now 11:50 and they have yet to get me. Half the plane has boarded already! I am getting nervous and my stomach is hating me more and more. So this guard comes to get me and two other guys.

I am held in this glass chamber where they bring the bags out. I noticed that the bag they are talking about for me is my small bag that was nothing but shoes in it. I am struggling to remember if I put anything extra in there. They run the bag through the machine and all I see are shoes. They see something different. So they open that shit up and check my shoes! This guy had his fingers all up in the lining of my new shoes! I am looking at him like...really? I gave up my bathroom session so he could finger the soles of my shoes...ugh!

Clearly they found nothing! But I had to board the plane and I did. Plane ride was smooth and my stomach behaved. We get off and go through customs. Delta's bag claim took forever! I was there for an hour. My brother picks us up. I go to my mom's where the house is filled with more family! So we had to talk and mingle and eat! All the while I am like...I really need to go.

So I pack the car...and I go to turn it on...that shit is dead! WHY IS MY CAR DEAD? Ugh! So I had to have my bother jump it. Turns out someone left the lights on in the car. I left it at my mom's all she had to do was move it. I can only guess she left the dome light in the car on.

I finally get my car started...and drive to mi tia's... She welcomes me and I told her I would love to talk to her...but I need to use the bathroom...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Isla Bonita

From the moment I got here all I have done is drink. Before you think I am a lush and that I am drunk all the time, it is really not that serious. However, the atmosphere is just surreal. In my short time here, I like what I see and hear. I will keep in mind that I am at a resort, so I feel like I am in a remote and secluded section of the island.

I cannot complain though. I am having a good time and it has been hard enough not to write anything because I have been so very busy with family. I must say that it is wonderful to see family. It gave me a warm feeling inside my chest to see people I have not see in a long time. I was able to spend time with dad as well.

I have taken many pictures and I will continue to do so. My cousin's (brother) wedding was beautiful. However, it was so hot in the church. It was about 87 degrees and I had a full suit on. We were at Casa de Campo. It is a great area that has an awesome view and one can tell that there is some historic value there. I will have to read up on it. This was a traditional Catholic Latino wedding. There was the mass, the candle lighting, and the scripture readings. I just soaked took it all in. I know there were a few times that I just sat there thinking if I would ever do this...would I even get married.

The reception was at a very classy place (the name escapes me) and I will have to admit that Dominicans know how to have a good time. This was the first time that I have been at a reception and was not even remotely bored.

I will say that I think I have drank enough to last me for weeks. I think my Bachata dancing has gotten much better, although I am not 100% comfortable dancing with a Dominican woman. I will need to work my way up to that. I have also gotten plenty of sun, which I needed. Syracuse does not provide much sun and if you have ever been in the Caribbean, you will know that there is nothing like Caribbean sun.

I did promise my cousin (brother) that I will write him and his bride a poem. It is within me and once I finally get settled (which may be when I am back in Syracuse) I will let this poem loose. I fly back to NYC in the morning.

I will miss this place (By the way, I have had Madonna's Isla Bonita in my head all weekend)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Almost Time!

Well, I am almost ready to go. I cannot believe that this week is finally here. I feel that I spent much of last week in denial because I guess I was not ready to go yet. I am not normally too anxious about trips but with my over-thinking being an issue, it can be hard. Regardless, I have been very productive in getting my life some what together.

I have been running again, which is a good thing. Although my brother thinks that I am on some sort of training program and refuses to believe I did it on my own (that is the hate from his pipa talking). I have had to buy a shit load of clothes just in order to have enough wardrobe to survive this trip (let alone be in NYC). So my clothes are all packed with the tags still on them in certain cases. So if you ask me...I am ready! :)

Interestingly enough, I had to make sure that my cell phone service was going to be ok on the trip. Not that I wanted to call anyone, but I am on this trip with family and someone is bound to get lost. So, I wanted to make sure that I had some sort of international plan that would not cost me $50.00 a minute to find out where someone is. What I found out is that for the iPhone, I can get as many text messages I want since I have the unlimited plan. They will count as domestic. However, sending one 50 cents a pop. So I will stick to email. Speaking of which, I will have to turn off the data roaming and the email push features on my phone otherwise I will be getting quite the bill when I return. I will have wifi at the resort so I can still BLOG!!!

Then there is the hotel. I was reading up on all the amenities. Because I am at a resort, everything is basically included. Food, drinks, massages, internet...I do mean everything. There is even beer waiting in my fridge at the room. This is gearing up to be one of the best vacations that I have had in a very long time. I plan on taking a lot of pictures and enjoying the sun. Yes, there is something about a wedding that I am supposed to be at. :)

I am also hoping to find a little bit of myself out there. I think that I have been lost for quite sometime now (no pun intended on being Lost on an and I need some inspiration for my writing. Perhaps getting away is exactly what I need right now in my life. I need to see how beautiful this world can be.

So..with that being said. I leave tomorrow morning bright and early. I am feeling better every minute about this flight. I was told by a good friend that I should read Psalm 91. I have done that and I will blog when I get there! 

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Adventures in Roommating

I had decided many moons ago that in order to survive the end of my marriage I would need to have a roommate or two. They would help me pay for the bills so that I can stay afloat. The thought after me leaving Syracuse was to rent out my room and thus I would have 3 tenants and keep the property a little longer until I can fully assess what I want to do with it.

So, I figure that I would just put up an ad on Craigslist and then another on Orangehousing. I figured that there is always someone who is always looking to move and I am not a bad roommate at all. I have a 4 bedroom house with everything you need. I just debated the asking price. I personally didn't think that asking for $600 per month with everything included was going to be a big deal. But, I found out quickly that  in Syracuse...that is too expensive.

Fine. I start lowering the asking price. It started with this one chick  (white girl 1 or WG1 for short) who said she needed a place to stay. I knew her from another person and I figured she would be good. We had this discussion in February and I thought we were all set. To be honest, I made certain concessions in order to allow her to stay.  I gave WG1 the lease for her to look over before she signed it and we agreed upon a date for her move. WG1 never moved in. It was like she fell of the face of the planet! I left a few messages. I even reamed her out on the last one. But hey...she is young and dumb so it is what it is. (Trust me I was tight)

It was time to go back to the drawing board. I needed to clean up a little and rework my ad.

April comes around and I am really feeling the pinch of my bills and I finally get the damn ad out. I start getting massive amount of hits and emails. At the same time, a buddy of mine starts having issues at home and needs a place to stay. I only have two rooms available so I figured I am good. I hold off on my replies to people because I am waiting for my friend to move in. I am a good guy. I try to help people in need, but then he tells me that he is not sure he will be able to move in.  Still feeling confident I start my replies to these people.

Amazingly I got replies from people who had cats. I have nothing against them, but Rocky might. Then there were a few people who wanted me to hold the room until August. That was a definitive no. So, in weeding out responses, I was able to select my top 2 prospects.  A guy (the Italian) that is about my age, maybe a little older and a young woman (WG2) who just got out of college. I invited them over to view the rooms. Things seem pretty cool. They met each other and we all talked about expectations. WG2 was to be the first to move in that very weekend. The Italian wanted to wait until he got paid.

The weekend comes...nothing. No moving in. No e-mail. No text. No phone call. Somehow I am not surprised. This would be woman number 2 that flaked on me. I am starting to think it is me. Maybe I am too brown. Maybe I have pervert written on my head somewhere. So I am thinking...ok, at least I have one roommate that might be moving in. The next day, my friend tells me that everything changed and if I still had a room he could use it. FINALLY! I am getting paid! So he moves in and all I need for the Italian to move in.

This is where people made fun of me because it would be a bachelor pad. 3 grown men living together? Sounds plausible, but I am not trying to mess up this house further. So we are getting closer to the end of April and the Italian comes to me and says he is thinking about moving somewhere else (mind you...he has already paid his security deposit). The issue is that I have no furniture for him and this other place comes with furniture. So he will NOT be moving in. I just throw my hand up. I mean is it really that hard to find a roommate? I am not asking for all that much!

A friend of mine suggested that I re-do the ad to make it sounds personable. So I did that. To this day I still have nothing. I will have to re-double my efforts when I return from Santo Domingo.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Swirling Around

I have so many things in my head swirling around. I cannot seem to focus on one topic or another. I sat looking at my monitor last night wondering if a topic was going to come to mind. Sure I can talk about a few things here and there but that is what they are: a few things. I haven't had anything to really sustain a long post. Then I came up with a theory of what I might be going through. Perhaps I have writer's block.

I am not sure how possible that is considering that I can seem to write poetry whenever I want. But now, I feel that everything I can write can be in poetic form. Which seems cool at first, but I do not want to always write poetry. So, I am not sure how I am going to figure all this out. However, I am thinking that my trip to Santo Domingo may clear my head some.

Maybe I am stressing things too much. I wont lie and say that everything is rainbows and flowers because it is not. I realize that I am growing a bit tired of my current situation. What sucks about most of it is that I am trying to be a little bit private in what I am going through because it is a personal. Although that is kind of funny when you think about it, I have made this blog a very personal thing and now I feel I need to draw back a bit.

Interestingly enough, this has nothing to so with being sad or depressed. This has everything to do with my determination to move on. When I talked about that dream of me losing my passport, it made me realize that I have some anger here. Opportunities are not panning out like I want them to and people in general have just been shady as well. Truth be told, I feel like I have been getting my ass kicked by life for quite awhile now and I am tired of it. I am tired of waiting for my time and I feel I need to take it. The problems is...what do I have to grab on to?

The only thing I feel is going well for me is my writing and I plan on sticking with that. My anger with life becomes a stronger determination to get what I want and I will tell you all  that I absolutely hate to lose. Of course, this is not a game and I am technically not competing with anyone, but I reminded of how many times Michael Jordan has failed before he succeeded.

Mi Tia told me that I amaze her with my resolve. She asked me how things were going the other day and I told her about how things are not working out well at the moment. I then tell her that this one opportunity was not meant to be and she just told me that if keep this positive attitude that something will come up.

I am also disappointed in my network. I think what makes things hard is that I don't want to ask for favors from people because I know that I will do my best to help people, but I am not sure if that goes the other way around. Now, with that said, I have gotten help from a few people and they know who they are. But, what amazes me is the simple fact that I have more people on twitter helping me than people I have known for a while. Still, this may be misplaced anger based on my own failures so I try not to stress that too much.

Despite all this, I am doubling my efforts. I have made Linkedin a priority to help me network further. I will make my goals, it is just an uphill battle.

Monday, May 10, 2010

My Passport...

It is funny how dreams work. I haven't remembered much of my dreams lately. I think with the semester coming to close I have just been tired and knocking without really caring about if I remember a dream or not. We dream every night it is just a matter if we remember when we wake up. Of course, this weekend I had a dream, in which I remembered the plot. Sometimes I feel like my dreams are elaborate stories that I have yet to write.

It is no secret that I am going to the Dominican Republic at the end of this month. I have talked about it briefly in several past posts and I have counted down a little on Twitter (16 more days). So in my dream, I am all set to go and I head to the airport. I am about to give in my ticket and what did I forget...My Passport. The feeling that I had at that moment was very similar to a feeling that I had when I was a kid. My brother was going on a trip to somewhere, I am not sure if it was Six Flags or Disney World. I must have been like 4 and I followed him to the car and then was told I wasn't going. The horror on my face was only as bad as the tears that followed.

Nevertheless, when I discovered my passport missing it lead to a wilder dream that I am not even going to get into as the memory of this dream fades further. So what does this mean? If you have been reading this blog enough you know I have to figure this out. So of course I need to plug the good folks at Dream Moods for the definition of this dream. Lets start with what dreaming about passports:
To see a passport in your dream, represents your identity and your ability to traverse various situations. You may be going through a period of finding yourself and discovering who you are. You are experiencing new found freedom to do what you want and go where you want.
Totally not surprised by this. Clearly I am trying to do things and move back to New York City. This next one may not be so much a surprise as much as how accurate it is:
To dream that you lose your passport, indicates that you are trying to find yourself and get a sense of who you are. Alternatively, you may feel that opportunities are being closed off to you.
This is what I am talking about! I never expressed it in words and I think it is because I do not want to complain. I am trying my hardest to maintain my life while searching for a an opportunity that will not pull the rug from under me. It has been rough and I have been picky. I am not simply applying for anything in hopes of getting something. Things are not as good as I would like and it can be frustrating. However, I do realize that things will eventually happen. I need to go through this in order to appreciate what life has to offer me. I do not want to be one of those people who take life in general for granted. I would like to do things the right way (and still get out of debt).

In terms of trying to find myself...I guess I am still doing that huh? Well path to finding one's self is a long one. I can say that what I found so far is a writer and a poet. Let's see what else I find (and yes I do have my passport ready).

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Guest Blog: Reflections of an Afro Latina - Carmen Mojica

I want to introduce you all to a young woman I find so amazing. She is have a book release party this Friday at Nuyorican Poets' Cafe. I told her that I am so sorry I cannot be there. Here is Carmen Mojica! I hope you find this latinegra as interesting as I do!

As I reflect on my life, just days before my book release party at the Nuyorican Poets' Cafe, all I can think about is my hair. And how something like cutting off my chemically treated hair was the catalyst for my metamorphosis. Anthony asked me to guest blog about where I am these days with my journey and it was a perfect time to ask, as I am in a very pensive mood about who I am and who I am becoming.

I can still remember that December night in 2004 when I finally had the guts to cut it all off and go natural. It was a freedom I didn't know existed; it was also a reason to challenge the effects of racism and socially imposed standards of beauty on my self-esteem. Coming to terms with my African roots was hard. For most of my life, I wanted nothing to do with my African-ness, the very heritage that would stare back at me when I would look in the mirror. It took me almost 20 years to embrace it and, among other influences, writing about my experience was instrumental in unraveling the web of self-hatred.

My book, "Hija De Mi Madre" is the culmination of experiences and undergraduate research that describe and explain the effects of my identity as an African Latina on my life. It is a combination of memoirs, poems and research material that not only explain the effects of race on identity from an academic standpoint but also shares my own life as a living example. Self-hatred is a disease that runs rampant throughout much of the African Diaspora due to colonization and the dehumanization that occurred at that time. In the Latino culture, the African component of the Latino identity is often ignored, denied and is not usually a subject that is up for discussion. The original reason I wrote my book was because of one of my last classes while still at SUNY New Paltz.

I was in a class called, "Women in the Caribbean," and one of the topics for discussion was the Afro Latina identity. At the time, as I was still exploring my racial identity, this topic took hold of my attention and I decided to do my final paper on the topic. It was hard to find writing by Afro Latinos as I did my research. After I finished the paper, I decided to add my voice to the research I had done.

These days, I am still ever learning about my racial identity. And ever since I made the choice to write and complete my book, more and more awareness is building around the subject of African ancestry in the Latino culture has cropped up in many places. Events, books, and even documentaries are telling our story in full. Tonight, I am in a reflective mood, as I think of who I was when I started my book and who I am now. My journey in understanding all I can about my roots is continious; my place in history as a woman of the African Diaspora is one of the lens I look at the world through. These days my attention has shifted to empowering women in my community to make the best choices for themselves at childbirth. As I pursue certification as a birth doula (to be done by the end of this year, god-willing), I recognize how much love heals not only my own emotional, psychological and mental scars but also how the love I have been cultivating for myself affects those around me.

As a writer, I have been aware for a long time that words are powerful; they can birth worlds. I find that I speak sometimes for those who can't find the words to say what they are feeling; yet I also understand that everyone has a story. And as I tell my story, at presentations and even one-on-one, I realize that not only do we all have stories, but they too are ever changing. They are influenced by the stories that we become a part of; the ones we interact with, burn bridges with, start new chapters with. I suppose all this talk about stories is a roundabout way of expressing this point I'm at in my life. This new chapter of embarking on becoming a birth professional and bringing the love and lessons I've been learning about being an Afro-Latina woman into that new venture has showed me the importance of a few things. Relating to other through our stories, gaining strength to continue on our paths and moments of self-reflection are essential in the path to self-awareness.

And I hope that when I share my story with others, that they feel this. That they know their story is important too, and that I can't wait to hear about it.

If you're interested in checking out my work, here are links to my thoughts, words and my book:
My blogspot:
My Tumblr:
My presentation at my alma mater on my book:
Where you can get my book:

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Do I Look Illegal?

I am amazed about how much people are really taking to the issue with Arizona and Senate Bill (SB) 1070. By no means did I come up with the "Do I Look Illegal" tag line nor did I come up with the idea of the picture. I would like to think that I did help spread awareness that racism and it's laws do exist. So, when May 1st came around I took the above picture which I now have on my Facebook and Twitter profiles. This was my way to show people that we cannot just let things like this happen without a response.

There have been several people that I know who have taken the time to take pictures and create videos about this. One thing that strikes me is the sheer diversity of the pictures. There are people who are as white as can be along with Black and Latino who are joining in on this silent of protests. I will not fail to mention the pictures of children as well.

I used to think that immigration was not my issue. After all, I am a 3rd generation Latino and none of my family deal with issues quite like this. I can also say there was a time in which I thought immigration was more an issue for Mexicans who cross the border or Cubans who try to sneak into this country via boat.  But of course in my ignorance of early age, I never thought about this as a Latino issue. I think back to my past and I did not know any illegals. Of course, it wasn't until recently that an old friend told me that he had been illegal for years.

Clearly there has been a growing sentiment on closing our boarders and curbing the amount of undocumented people in this country. In one hand you have politicians who want to regulate and round up illegals and in the other who some who are try to force Puerto Rico to make a choice about statehood. Where is this all coming from? Clearly it all comes down to the all mighty dollar. Latinos generate money and we can have our own economy if we continue down the road of success. What undocumented people do is work the jobs that none of us would ever want to do. Lets be honest, fruits and vegetables would not nearly be as a affordable if "normal" Americans were picking them. In the case of Puerto Rico, that could be a whole other state that could be paying taxes and adding to the amount that government can use.

For years, we all talked about the idea of "driving while black". I would joke with my friends and colleagues that I had to be careful of a DWB. I think now this acronym can really stick by changing black to brown. I have had another friend state on my Facebook that the police can not stop anyone without probable cause because if not, that would be a violation of the 4th Amendment. For those who did not study what this is:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

I get that if you know this law then maybe you can protect yourself from being unlawfully stopped by the police in Arizona or anywhere for that matter. But really, all it take is for them to say that your vehicle matches the description of another that they are looking for. In most cases, that is probable cause enough to stop anyone. More importantly what this law does is scare people. How comfortable can any Latino be driving around Phoenix or any other city in Arizona. Let's not mention those who are perceived to be Mexican, like darker Italians or Native Americans. Almost reminds me of how the TSA is looking for "people of suspicion" in airports.

So when I think about those idiots who have told me that racism does not exist or that not everything is about race, it is time to re-examine your view on life. The people who make racist laws do not have to be racist. Institutional Racism is a system of oppression that was made by those whom had the best of intentions in mind.  

Monday, May 3, 2010

Jaded Summer?

I feel like I am going through changes. I am not really sure what is happening to me. Maybe because the summer is coming and the last few summers have been very difficult to deal with. While I am very excited about this summer, I am very leery of what is to come. I so realize that is my fear talking. I know I have stated before that I have lost much of my fear, I am also human. Things still effect me very much.

I feel this has been a year of revelations. I have found out so many shocking things about so many people in my life that has left me speechless at times. Some things have been good, like finding out about a person having a child or someone getting married. Others have been so bad that is has shaken my faith in people. It sucks because I really feel that I have thrived on being very social and I feel that I need to pull back.

What I have really noticed that is just very striking to me is that my sarcasm has risen to a whole other level. Do not get me wrong, my sarcasm is epic as it is. I can dole it out like nothing, however, I feel that I have really been laying it on thick. I need to figure out why. Am I annoyed at life? That is quite possible. I know how hard I am trying to improve my situation with little to no results. More importantly, I have been very sarcastic when it comes to other people and love.

I wrote on twitter today: "Why do people ask for advice on relationships? My track record is not great." I guess I give some pretty good advice. I am not shy with my opinions either. Men are dumb and they have no excuse to be. Which should give the indication that mostly women ask me about relationship advice. I guess the guys I know think are good in their situations. In the case of new or budding love, I feel myself being jaded in these situations. I have drawn back and thought to myself that I do not want to be that bitter old man that people point out in grocery stores.

Could I be envious? That is a possibility. I am really not trying to be. However, I am noticing that I am being more harsh in my reality checks with people. Usually when someone asks me for some sort of advice on love and life, I have tried to sugar coat it. That has not been the case lately. I have been very upfront with how I feel about any given situation, regardless if I am not comfortable telling them the truth. Surprisingly enough, the response has been positive although I get told that I am also being mean.

With all that being said. I really am hopeful that this summer will be a good one for me. There is no reason why it wouldn't be. I have plans to put certain things in order and it is my hope that things go through well. Perhaps I will start a list of things I want to get accomplished and cross them off as they get done.

Hopeful or not, I am taking great precautions this summer. I think I will have to have my guard up big time. The last 2 summers have been pretty bad in my opinion and I just simply need to beware.


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