Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The one emotion that has really owns me is anger. I do not want to make it seem as if I turn green when I get mad, but I know I become irrational. The good thing about it is that it never lasts for very long and it does not happen often. If it does last longer than normal, then that would only mean that whatever situation that has caused it is pretty bad. I will say that for the most part I am in a great mood all the time. My moods will change based on the people around me.
I do not consider myself a terribly sensitive person for the most part. I think that I have a world of patience. I think that, for the most part, I can control my reactions. I choose not to say certain things because I know I have the power hurt someone with my words. Of course, the more I hold it in, the more you will see it in face.
There are several things that can set me off. If you know me very well then you would know what buttons to push. When you push those buttons then my patience almost counts for nothing. I will say that people that I do not know do not have that power to anger me as much. People in general can annoy me, but it normally stops at annoyance. There are two main things that will set me off depending on who does them and what situation we are talking about: my voice being stifled and being blown off.
My voice being stifled is a big thing for me. I noticed over the years that if I cannot share my opinions or my feelings then I get very frustrated. I have no problem being called out or being told that I am wrong but, not being able to voice myself or express my opinion is a problem. This is universal for me. This will bother me in a relationship, at work, or in life in general. I have gotten into fits of rage because I keep getting cut off in a conversation. I have gotten very angry when a decision is being made without my opinion. All I need from people is to just understand what it is I am saying. That is why I love this blog so much. This is my voice.
The thing about being blown off has a lot to do with feeling unimportant. I know that I have blown people off. I tend to do it more often than I am willing to admit. This becomes an instance of who does this to me. If I hold you in high regard and you blow me off, then anger will ensue. The reason this bothers me so much as very much to do with the fact that I am always there for the people I regard as true friends, lovers, and family. While, I think that sometimes we all have a tendency to blow off those people we love, I know I give a lot of myself to people. I do not always get that in return. So the real question is, when I get blown off, who am I really mad at?
Many of my close friends have always felt that I have anger issues. Not because I get angry often, but more because I get upset at stupid shit. I have always been the type of person that hates to lose. I know I am a sore loser and I am ok with that. I always strive hard to win the battles I can. I also know that I can be a jealous person. I never noticed it as much when I was a kid or a young adult, but I can be very territorial with my friends. Not to mention that I can be jealous when it comes to women. I am not a violent person, but I know that I have been tempted a few times to take a swing at some people and that is based on disrespect.
So where is all this coming from? Why am I angry at the things I am angry about? I think it is all about my childhood and my teen years. I think there are certain situations that happen to me as an adult that bring up past aggression. Most things I can deal with. I use sarcasm and humor to deflect most things but others are not that easy.
Without going too deep with my early life I can say that there are a few things that stick out. I was picked on as a kid. So, I have felt very helpless when I was younger. My brother is 7 years older than me so growing up was hard because he was always too old to want to be with this younger brother. Most times he was with girls who he seems to like more than me and of course this bothered me. I will not forger to mention that he was a natural athlete and beat me in everything we competed against. There was also the divorce of my parents that really shaped who I was as a teenager. I had to choose between parents and ultimately chose my dad. This upset my mother leading her to disown me. Our relationship has not been the same since.
With ease, I can pick out all the issues with what I just wrote. When I talk about fear, I know many of these same issues will come out. Abandonment, helplessness, and the feeling that I am not important or inadequate. These are things that I deal with as an adult. I believe I deal with all of these well. But, many times they just come out of nowhere.
I do not like being angry or upset. I feel that I do not think or talk clearly. I usually try to give myself a cooling off period. I have never felt the need to hit anyone, however, if you make me angry enough then I will feel the need to hit or throw something. I have broken many things and then feel like complete crap for doing it.
The good things is, I know this about myself and I have been able to just stop myself. I just thank god that I am not a unhappy person in general. So do not worry I am still the sweet guy you all know and love. :)