Tid Bit Tuesday

Laptop Issues

My laptop is now giving me issues. Of course it will. This is a perfect way to end a horrible month. I thought I fixed this issue before when I was in New York City, but it seems that I will have to take other measures. I am not really too worried about it. I am just more annoyed than anything else.

When my laptop has issues I normally have to find other ways to entertain myself. I realize that I am a bit of a gadget junkie, but I tend to read a lot when I am online. Then there is this blog that I love to write. The most important thing to me, however, is my music. I am always playing music from my laptop. Yes, while I could play it through my iPhone, I have more variety on my computer.

I know I will end fixing it, but it does make me think about how life would be without one for a while. I think may need some time to "unplug". I need to get back to reading. I have decided to dedicate at least one hour a day to reading. I will see how that goes. I have a lot of books that I can catch up on.

MJ on the Mind

As I had stated on Friday, I am still shocked and saddened by Michael Jackson's death. I find myself listening to his music more now then ever. I used to listen to his music as it was, but now I have some songs stuck in my head. I have told myself that I will just play as much of his music as possible until I get tired of hearing the same rotation. Of course I am not even close.

I am also not interested in any of the drama that will come out about his estate and who is getting what money. It doesn't matter anymore. I am more interested in why he hated his image so much. What makes a man who has everything change his appearance? Did he encounter such racism as a kid that he hated what he saw in the mirror? Maybe one day we will find out.

Blog Awards?

I am not the type of person to toot my own horn. I have stated numerous of times that I write for myself. However, I saw a fellow blogger had nominated himself for the Black Weblog Awards and I was just curious as to how one would go about doing this. So I did some research and in the end, I nominated this blog for some awards.

I will say that I have no expectations on winning. I am doing this because, as some people have put it: "if you don't toot your own horn, no one will do it for you". I think that ever so slowly I am getting a following and appreciate that and all the well wishes that I am getting. I think it would be cool just to say I was in the running. If you want vote for me you can click here. You can choose any of the 4 categories or all of them. Up to you. I will have the link on the right column until voting is over. Thanks again for all the support.

MyMindIsRacing

It has been a very long month. I cannot seem to focus on anything. I have tried to come up with a decent blog today, but it is just not happening. I also did not want to skip today either. I need to write in order to express myself. I know I am at a crossroads in my life and I am finding it difficult to take that next step.

This goes beyond moving on and letting go. This has to do with stability, that is so hard to come by in this recession. I am really starting to see how all this stuff is starting to effect me. Gas is getting too expensive again and that is making it hard to just make trips to New York City. Of course, once I get there, it would be hard not to spend money. I find myself shopping at the dollar store (which, I should have been doing all along). Things are just so tight lately that I feel constricted.

Personally, I am dealing with so many things. The loss of a marriage. The loss of a good friend. The loss of Michael Jackson. It seems like this month has been a total loss for me. I wont mention becoming 35 and the fact that the New York Mets cant seem to get a win when I need it the most. This also seems like the month that everyone is dying in, so that is never good. I am trying to find the little the things that can keep me going.

There are things I am looking forward to. I am going to Florida in 2 weeks. This will be a treat for me and I hope to have fun with my parents. I will definitely blog about them and the heated pool (my father doesn't like the water to be too cold...yet I sweat in the damn water). I have my grad school classes to look forward to. I will also say that I miss my students. They tend to give me more energy than I give them credit for.

The point is...I need June to be over..

Michael Jackson - In My Own Words

"Life aint so bad at all, If you live it off the wall" - Michael Jackson, Off The Wall

I am stunned. I am still in shock. I cannot believe this man is dead. My own reaction surprises me when it comes to the death of Michael Jackson. I guess I was one of the many people who took for granted that he would always be around to entertain us. Amazing how it is all about us. What about him?

I grew up in the 80's and as I look back at that time, Hip Hop was just beginning and Disco was ending. Ronald Reagan was in office and the era of greed was being born. The Cold War was in effect and I remember having nightmares that we would have a Nuclear War with the Soviet Union. I was a skinny kid that felt he was ugly and struggled to find his place in a Catholic School he hated going to. There was one person that made that go away: Michael Jackson.

He was a larger than life icon that I identified with. He was cool and had such a swagger in his music videos. I wanted to be him, even if only for a few minutes. His music made everyone stop and dance. I remember my aunt having the Thriller Album. See with vinyl, the covers are huge! It was him laying down and when you folded out the cover would see him laying next to a Tiger! I was so amazed by that.

I connected with him because they would play the Jackson 5 cartoon in syndication. So, you could see adventures about them and listen to their old music. I was young enough to believe the music was all the same anyway. But, seeing him as a kid gave me a sense that I could be like him. I mean think about it...How many black cartoons were on TV besides Fat Albert?

Which beings me to my next point. He dominated POP music! He was a black man first and he dominated the industry. I remember staying up late to watch Friday Night Videos and New York Hot Tracks (I did not have cable at that time) to watch Beat it or Billy Jean. You have to imagine the impact of this black man on the black and latino youth. He was it. The problems in the Bronx would seem to fade when his music was on the radio.

I know...he had problems in the 90's. I feel I need to say something about this. This man was the kindest man in the world in part because he never grew up. He never had a childhood and endured an abusive father. The pressure of being in the music industry is only enhanced because he lacked self esteem. He got lighter and lighter to gain acceptance that he felt he needed. He hated his nose because he felt he was ugly. We will never know what made him hate his image but I can say that he had a mind of a child and children is what he connected with the most.

Most people have passed judgement on a man we have no idea about. He was misunderstood. We do not know what happens behind closed doors. There was a trial and he was acquitted, but the court of public opinion will always rule. So, everyday he died a little inside. I am sure all he wanted was to have his childhood back. More people came forward with accusations and he paid them because he did not want deal with a trial. Why? Because trial or not. He was guilty in the eyes of the media.

I feel that he knew he was going to die soon. It just makes sense to me. He made music only for his children to hear (funny how no one mentions child molestation of his own kids right?) when he is dead. Who does that? He declined the Jackson's Reunion Tour. Sure, he had a tour in the works, but I think he just knew...

It forces me to think about my own mortality. Yes, every death does. But this one hurt the most. Right now, it just makes me think about my entire life. When I hear his songs I tear up because some of it just hits home. Particularly his songs about love.

It is over now. He is dead...coincidentally, of a heart that could not take it anymore...a broken heart. He died a lonely man. That is punishment enough for anyone who thinks he committed a crime. It is over. Let the man rest in peace.


I will miss you Mike, your music will live in me forever.

Men Are Assholes – A Woman's Response

My recent blogs have been very interesting to say the least. But, I felt I need a woman's perspective on all this. So, I have asked Brooke from Brookey's Cafe Blog to weigh in all this "Asshole" stuff. She is an incredible writer and a good friend. I am glad to have her as my first Guest Blogger...so lets see what is inside her head:


Okay, I actually had to marinate on this one. Ant asked me to write a response to his “Men are Assholes” blog. I say I had to think about it because I could have simply written, “I agree…The End” and kept it moving. :) But, I wanted to give this some serious thought.

I know most women who read Ant’s blog will say ‘yes, men ARE assholes. Period.” And that would be easy to do. But then we have to prepare ourselves for the snappy comeback – “well, if we’re assholes, it’s because women are bitches!”

Back to that in a minute.

Ant kinda wrote his own follow-up to the “Most Men are Assholes” blog with his “The Scourge: A Man Scorned” post. It kinda gave an explanation as to the reason why some men are assholes. I’m going to try to respond to both blogs in one.

Ant said most men are assholes, or have the potential to be. But that could be said about anyone…man or woman. Women can be bitches (whatever your definition of a bitch is) - we all have the potential to be. What defines our character is how we react in certain situations and how we allow these situations to affect our lives. For the sake of this post, the situation is heartache. We can either take a good look at our heartbreaks and learn the lesson, or we can turn into assholes and bitches and destroy everything in our path. It’s up to us to decide.

That being said, from the woman’s perspective, most of us recognize the asshole. Ant said the asshole can disguise himself as a sincere, genuine dude just to get what he wants…but most men don’t bother. They just don’t go that far to try to get us if they’ve been THAT hurt. They really could give a damn. Like Ant said, most assholes tell you upfront what the deal is and leave it up to you to decide if you wanna rock with him or not. There are at least 3 other women he’s already looking at ready to take your place if you bounce.

But, some women think we can change him, soften him up a bit…be the woman that takes his “assholedness” away. And if that’s the case, all I can say is if you fall for an asshole, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Men like the ones Ant speaks of are not hard to spot. Sure, they can lure you with fake confidence, money, cars, clothes, sweet words, and dance and romance your sweet ass. But underneath all that is a man filled with bitterness and anger – not just towards women, but towards himself too. He can’t hide that for too long. If you wait a little while and don’t give him any too soon, he will eventually rear his ugly head. Trust me on that.

But sometimes we women don’t give it a chance. We catch feelings and BAM! Hooked on an asshole. We make excuses for why we fell for the asshole…all of it nonsense. I know, I’ve done it. I still do it sometimes…and it’s all buffoonery. There’s no trickery involved. It’s just that assholes present a challenge. We want to “fix” them. We want to love them back to health. Ladies, it can’t be done. He has to WANT to not be an asshole anymore – and if the pain is too deep, RUN! Nothing hurts more than to fall in love with an asshole with a broken heart.

That being said, I don’t believe that most men are assholes. But what most men are NOT are experts with emotions…especially their own. We may not believe this, but I think women are good at eliciting emotions from men, even though they won’t admit it. When things are good, well, they're good. Like Ant said, men want to love and loved in return. But when things fall apart, men feel like they fell into a trap that they set for themselves. Men think love is a curse. They run from it like it’s a disease they catch, like the freakin plague. They fool themselves into believing that they can’t be hurt. But when it inevitably happens, they're shocked and surprised…and pissed off.

For some, emotional pain hurts like physical pain. When a man gets hurt, the instinctive response is to hurt the person who inflicted this damage even more. In the hundreds of thousands of years since man walked upright, this instinctive response served them well. Until now. Now this response just makes life unbearable for everyone - them and the women they loved (and perhaps still love) and every woman who follows.

When their world flips upside down, inflicting pain on the woman also gives him a small measure of grounding. If he can't make her feel love for him, he at least can make her feel pain because of him. It's not much of a consolation prize, but at this point, any bits and pieces of pride and ego that he can salvage he'll gladly take. When there's no more love to speak of, power is the only thing that matters. As long as he still has the power to make the woman feel something, anything, even if it's pain and misery, he will likely use it.

So yes, sometimes men act like assholes. Not because they really are, but because it's the easy way out. It’s the fastest way for them to heal and come to terms with their emotions. The alternative is too difficult and too painful. Not many men know how to take the high road or deal effectively with their emotions. It could be called “bitchassness”…or simply human nature.

Typically, men and women deal with emotions differently. Women cry, call girlfriends, hash it out immediately and allow ourselves to drown in the pain until we can’t cry anymore. Then magically we’re cured and we fall in love again. The problem is if we don’t take responsibility, learn our lessons and keep falling in love with assholes, then we can - and most likely WILL - turn into that bitch ourselves. Some women react the same way an asshole man does, and punish every potentially good man they meet…making him pay for the asshole they fell in love with who hurt them. And the cycle continues.

For the woman, I have only one piece of advice. Ask yourself: is he a good person having an asshole moment? Or is he TRULY an asshole? If the answer is yes, then be honest with yourself and run – do not pass-go! But if he’s a good guy who’s been hurt and is trying to instinctively protect himself from being hurt again, forgive him for his asshole moments - even if he acted foolish and hurtful in the worst situations. He did it because it was the only way he knew how to get through the darkness. And if the Scourge truly wants to come out of the darkness, don’t be a bitch…be his Light.

The Scourge: A Man Scorn

"Harry you're going to have to move back to New Jersey because you've slept with everybody in New York & I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you! Besides I will make love to somebody when it is 'making love', not the way you do it like you're out for revenge or something!" - Sally Allbright (When Harry Met Sally)

As I mentioned last week. Most men are assholes. Point blank. If he is not an asshole he certainly has the potential to be. I wanted to talk about a unique type of man that can traumatize any woman. This is a man who is broken hearted and wants to take his anger out on the next woman or the next few women. I call him the Scourge because that is what he is, a man who is scorn who would rather punish the next woman because his pain is so great.

The circumstances are not always the same, but similar. A man loves a woman and she does him wrong. Either she cheats on him or she just doesn't return the love he has for her. In any case he is forced to not be with the women that he may feel was "the one" for him. Because the male ego is very fragile, most men have issues dealing with the loss of a relationship. Most men do not cry, but rather hold that emotion inside which makes them bitter. The pain of not being with that woman who could have been "the one" can be so deep that women are no longer people...they are bitches.

Every man will say they have needs and after a while of being of lonely, masturbating just does not cut it anymore. The scourge will deal with the pain long enough to meet someone. He may like her at first and will even take her on a date; but really, he has no intention on using her for anything more than sex. Now some guys who fall in this category will make his intentions known, not that this makes him any better, but at least the woman knows. But, there are others that just don't care enough to make their intentions known. These men would treat every woman as is she is a hoe. If one turns him down, than there are more to choose from.

These men can disguise themselves by acting how they once were, a caring person who genuinely likes and respects women. Mostly likely his game is on point. But, with the bitterness and the influence of friends, he will just want some ass and bounce. He may even take it so far as to date her and then dump her after a few dates. The Scourge may not necessarily be rude. He may just make excuses to why to not continue to see the same woman after sex...all because she does not compare or add up to what he once had.

The question becomes, is this behavior temporary or permanent? It is no secret to any man that the more of an asshole you are the more women you will get. Nice guys will always finish last until they get with the program at some point. I consider the Scourge to be a transitional phase that men go through until the bitterness and anger wear off. Unfortunately, most times, the lack of trust for women can remain. Most men will think of themselves first because there is no way they are going out like that again...no matter who they love next. So future relationships could also be effected as well.

I say most men can become a scourge because I do not believe all men go through this. There are guys who are in touch with themselves enough to deal with their emotions and feelings of loss. Let me make this one thing clear, all men want to fall in love (they just wont admit it). All men have, at one point or another, fantasised about marriage and being with "the one". However, either as a kid or as a young man, their view of what they considered to be a "real woman" is are crushed based on a negative reaction from woman they know and love. Which leads to a negative view on women in general.

I am sure some of you are thinking,"What about the mother?" That all depends really. Some moms will tell their sons that women are up to no good and that they will play with their heads and their hearts. Other moms can be the very reason why some guys become a Scourge or at least bitter towards women. Clearly, if a man has any issues with his mother, he will find it difficult to give his heart away....especially if a woman does him wrong along the way. Trust me on this one.

When I was a kid and even as a teenager, I was always told never to trust a woman. I was told by female members of my own family that girls do not know what they want and were just out of themselves. So, even as a kid I was warned. I did find it weird since most of my family is female. I thought they were perfectly sane. Of course I see them now and realize they are all fucking nuts (but i digress). What I have realized is that this is cycle: Bad men create bad women who create bad men that create bad women. The cycle is never really broken until we finally find someone to settle with and even then that could turn out bad.

I will not sit here and say that I think women are crazy because I think men are just as nuts too. We are all nuts, especially when it comes to love. It blurs everything and makes us do things we would not normally do. But I do know that negative experiences will turn a good man into something that will make all men look bad.

I am not implying that I am a Scourge. I stated last week that I am in a transition phase in my life in where I need to let go of everything. Most men do not know how to do this. While I have problems letting my emotions rule over me, I understand my short coming and struggle to correct them.

Tid Bit Tuesday

Latino Community

I tweeted about this last week and I am not sure people took me seriously, but I was supposed to go to a meeting at the Spanish Action League to meet with a Representative from Governor Patterson's office. We were supposed to talk about the lack of job development for the Latino Community. My point is there is no jobs on the West Side of Syracuse because no wants to move their business there.

Well I drive down to La Liga and I find out the meeting had been canceled because the director broke her arm! Of course, the office assistant had no idea who I was and what meeting her Boss was supposed to have. Gas ain't cheap, so I really was not happy about the wasted trip. I get home and I find out they were calling Josie to whole time saying the meeting was canceled...well done. Great Job!

Doc Appoinment

My doctor is very happy with me! First off, I lost 10 pounds. This is very good to me with all the running and exercises I am doing. I haven't been eating all the junk I used to eat. He seemed happy that my little issue was indeed the coffee. I can tell from his expression that he really did not want to check my prostate! Trust me I was just as happy as he was.

He tells me that I am good for another 5 years. I do not need to see him until I am 40. Whoa...how scary is that. I am going to 40 in 5 years. Thanks for the reminder doc. Not only am I letting go of all my issues but I have to reminded that I will be 40 soon. In either case, he tells me that he may not even be around by then, he will probably be retired. That is ok, I do not plan to be in Syracuse by then.

Grad School

Speaking of future plans, I finally got the 3 letters of recommendation I need for Grad School. All I need to do now is my personal statement. I guess it will similar to the Bio I wrote recently. Although, this will have to be more my goals toward education and what I plan to do with it. From there I will need to truly know how long this journey is going to take me.

I have taken classes already so I know what to expect in terms of class load. But, that is when I took 1 class per semester. This time I plan on taking 2 per. So, that will be challenging in itself.

Layout!

I wont lie. I love this new layout. I know it seems a little grayish, but I think it symbolizes where I am right now. A little gray, but when I am ready I will add color to my life. Right now the only color is from the words that I write. I am ok with that. I do not need anything flashy.

Letting Go of Everything = Self Redemption

"Hitting bottom isn't a weekend. It's not a seminar! Stop trying to control everything and just let go..." Tyler Durden (Fight Club)

Today is the first time in a very long time that I woke up feeling great. I have learned to let it all go. The last few weeks I have been so bogged down about my life and how things are going that I have completely lost my sense of self. I lost who I was. I lost the motivation that made me what I am. Let me take it back to yesterday...

I was feeling like total shit yesterday. I didn't sleep much at all. I was cranky and quite frankly, I was not feeling well. I decided to just go home and rest. I felt a migraine coming on. I get home and I nap for a few hours and I wake up feeling somewhat better. I left my laptop on, so I go to facebook. I scroll through all the notifications and I see one from am old friend of mine that just struck me: Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew at some point I needed to let go, but my view of that was me giving up on myself and my dreams.

I found myself just thinking different thoughts, but as usual. I was like, whatever. I went to look up some quotes to put as my status and something told me to look up quotes about letting go. That is when I found this site. I read this site 3 times.

Reading the information made me realize something very important. Up until this point, I was not ready to move on. I was holding on the remnants of the past. The reason for this is because I have never been able to forgive myself for the past. I have constantly blamed myself for this divorce. I have asked myself numerous times, "How could I allow this to happen?" I was holding on to the pain and anger of what was. Instead, I need to be seeking self redemption and acceptance.

I need to forgive myself for the part I played in all this, so that I can let go. This way I can examine and evaluate everything while looking into the future. I need to accept what cannot be. I made some mistakes and I cannot continue to make myself pay for them. Letting go is all about me. It is almost like a leap of faith. The future holds so many possibilities and opportunities that I found that I am holding myself back. I need to evaluate the people in my life and only deal with those who are positive.

Everything happens for a reason. I don't say that in the sense that our fate is predetermined, because I don't believe that. But, I do believe that everyone serves a purpose in all of our lives and we need to figure out what that is. When one door shuts, other doors open, so when something unexpected (or something I don't want to happen) occurs, I need to do a better job in seeing the opportunity that may present itself.

I wont lie and say that I am already past everything. I will say that I am making that effort by recognizing that letting go can lead to personal freedom...and I need to be free. I need to be free to do what I want do, even if I am not sure what it is. What I need is face my uncertain future with a smile and know that I am ready for anything.

...and guess what folks? I am ready. I am not looking back anymore.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." - Tyler Durden

My Soundtrack (For the Week)

The more I listen to music the more I realize that there are certain songs that I am drawn to. These songs seem to get a little more play than others on my normal play list. I make sure that I do not play the same thing over and over again from day to day. Which is why at work, I just have my iTunes on shuffle and let it play.

This week in particular, I have noticed that I have been rocking particular songs that have either meant something to me or are starting to mean something. There are times this week when maybe I payed a little more attention to the lyrics than I have before. Other songs are just a beat to bob my head to and makes me think of nothing.

In any case, music tends to soothe me. I have been trying to find a widget or a player to embed on this site that would show and play the songs that come to mind. When I find the right one, I will display it.

Below is my sound track of the week, which means that if someone made a movie of my life for just this week, these would be the featured tracks:

1. Closer - Nine Inch Nails
2. Karma - Alicia Keys
3. Wake Up - Rage Against the Machine
4. Let Me Be Myself - 3 Doors Down
5. Remember Me - T.I. (featuring Mary J. Blidge)
6. Keep it Movin' - Leaders of the New School
7. Love Lockdown - Kanye West
8. Beggin' - Madcon
9. Goin' Out West - Tom Waits
10. Feeling Good - Muse
11. Just Be - Tiesto

I have found these 11 songs have been on heavy rotation for this past week, for whatever reason. Sometimes, I find that I think too much as it is. I think I would rather have the music think for me.

Tidbit Tuesday

The Hangover

The only thing I wanted to do for my birthday was watch The Hangover. I was in the type of mood in which I just needed to laugh. This movie delivered. I was laughing from the beginning to the end. I was hoping it would not be one of those films that all the funny parts were in the commercial.

This movie was well done. I have a feeling that when this comes out on DVD that there will be a director's cut version. In either case, I am all over the DVD. I told my coworker today to pick the funniest movie he knows and The Hangover will be funnier, hands down. I may need to see it again because there are parts I may have missed due to all the laughter.

Injury?

So I ran another 4 miles last night and it felt great. However, my foot hurts! As I was approaching the 4 mile mark, I felt pain in right foot near the ankle. One thing I know for sure about running is that most of it is purely mental. So, I just fought through the pain. As I got off the treadmill I noticed that my foot hurt the more I walked on it. So I went home and rested it.

This morning. I thought it was good, but it is still sore. I had trouble walking on it . I am not sure what the issue is. Maybe I pushed myself too far. This afternoon walking to get food, it seem a little better. Almost feels like I slightly twisted it. I don't know. I will see if I can run tomorrow.

Reevaluating Everything

I spend most of my time thinking. I am not sure how healthy this is but I just think about a lot of things that have went wrong in my life. Sure, there are many positive things in my life but, no one really spends time thinking about how good they have been, unless they are that vain. I feel that I need to start a quest just to be a better person. Something, I believe I can achieve.

My journey is not that hard. I know what my end outcome is. Right now, I am working hard on Graduate School admittance. My issue becomes the amount of time it will take me to finish. I am not sure how long it will be. I have this nagging feeling that I will force myself to be a monk. This way I can focus on myself and my degree.

It is funny, because I have used Myspace to put up status messages of how I truly feel. Not that I don't do it on twitter, but I know way too many people on Facebook. Last thing I need is to ask questions about what is going on. Normally, I just say...Read the blog. But, I have said that I am officially giving up women for the time being. You do have those people asking if I am switching teams...but no. Stress and drama is something I am avoiding and I feel this is the best way to do it.

Who knows, I may change my mind somewhere down the road. But this is all based on me trying to get my career in order.

Most Men are Assholes...

I say most men are asshole and while that may not be true, I do think that all men have the capacity to be. I have gotten to the point in my life where I am just tired of seeing women I know be hurt by the men they love. I am taking this opportunity to tell them...I understand. Maybe my words to can offer comfort or better yet some understanding about men.

Last week in Brookey's Cafe Blog, there was some discussion about how men confuse women. Now, I think men are simple people. Most of the time they do not over think things, they just do it. I wont go into what was discussed, I would just urge you read the blog and the comments. That discussion made me think about how men are in general. I will speak broadly about men fully understanding that not all men are this way. However, all men have the potential to be assholes given the right (or wrong) situation.

We all make mistakes. There is no way around it and if you are a woman you may think that men make way too many mistakes. I feel that it is how you deal with those mistakes that make you the man you really are. Most men do not know how to deal with situations that involve emotion. I am know am guilty of this. You have guys that will deal with pain and hurt by becoming angry and lashing out. Do you ever wonder why a man will get mad when he got caught cheating? He doesn't know how to deal with this. However, I think a true man admits his mistakes and deals with the consequences, whatever they may be.

Which is why men lie. They lie because they know what they are doing is wrong. I do not mean the little white lies, like lying about if he took out the garbage (meanwhile he runs out and does it when you are not looking). I am talking about the lies that can hurt a relationship. His first reaction and thought will always be, "Well, I do not want to hurt her", as if they feel women do not have the strength to take it. Most men will forget they have mothers that are just as strong if not stronger than they are.

Most men are assholes because of the fragile male ego. They want to feel wanted. Not to say the the relationship they are in doesn't cater to them. Maybe they do not notice it or simply take what they have for granted. Of course none of us knows what happens behind closed door so it could very well be they feel unappreciated in their marriage or relationship. Who knows! The point is that most men have difficulty relaying this. They don't want to hurt their partner. But, some will have the balls to look outside the relationship.

Again mistakes happen and maybe there was an instance in which a man sleeps with another woman and regrets it (i.e. Sex and the City). Stuff like this does happen. Which makes him an asshole for not telling his partner that he feel a certain way before he did his thing. At the time, when men are doing their thing, they do think they will not get caught. Some men will even flaunt the fact. But the law of averages and karma will always be on the woman's side. They will get caught or will feel the guilt so much that at some point they will admit to what is truly happening.

Single men are just as bad. Do not think that because a man is single he is perfect guy. However, I would urge you not to judge him on his past alone. I mean, face it, he could be lying about his past relationship. Women need to be careful of the guy who has gotten burned by other women. He becomes the asshole that give all men a bad name. I call him the Scourge. I save him for another blog.

I am not saying all men are bad. They aren't. I think I am a great guy but I have been an asshole. I am just tired of seeing women go through shit when all we, as guys, had to do is be true to them and to ourselves.

Man Rules - Chapter 1: Women vs. The Boys

I am not blogging today. I have too much on my mind, but I think this a good topic. Thank you for the Birthday Wishes...

{Originally Posted on Brookey's Cafe Blog, I was a guest blogger }

I do not talk about being a man very much. Quite frankly, because I don't want to get into a discussion about what a real man is. It is like trying to prove that humans are perfect. I will say that there are certain rules to that man have to adhere to when it come to each other. Especially if they are boys! Some of the rule are unspoken rules that are just observed by just about every male and his close friends.

I have decided that every so often I will discuss Man Rules on my blog, Inside My Head. As a special treat I will debut this right here on Brooke's Blog.

Today, I will talk about one thing: Women. How will women can fuck up a perfectly good friendship or at least piss off your boys long enough that they will avoid you for long periods of time. Now, this is my perspective as a Latino Male. These are the things I live by when it come to close friends. I am not talking about associates or guys that do really chill with one another.

Never...and I do mean NEVER, let a woman in between you and your boys. Just do not do it. This rule is not a soft rule. This a solid rule. Most men know that when you are married or at least dating that there are only certain amounts of time that they can chill with the boys. There is no way to compete with the love and affection (and ass) that a woman can provide. We have no issues with that. As a matter of fact, we are happy about that. If you have a woman that means that you are getting what you need.

If there comes a time where you are slated to hang out with your boy(s). Then that becomes "man time". That means that all parties involved inform their ladies that they are hanging out with the boys. This way there is no miscommunication as to what is happening. Please make sure that certain things are done to ensure that man time is not interrupted. Hear are two basic examples:

1. Make sure that, if you have dog, child, or any chores that need to be done...are taken care of. We do not want to witness fights or general nagging from her.
   
2. Make sure that your woman is aware of your intention to hang out with boys. Phone calls of a yelling wife demanding your return is not taken likely the fellas.
   
3. Do not take offense when you called out because you are whipped. It happens. Most guys who are in a real relationship are whipped. We know this, we just pick on the one who is whipped the most. In fact, the whole concept of having a woman is to be whipped. Women can be the best thing in our lives, guys know this. Do you think most will admit it? To each other? I do not think so. Just as long as you still give the boys respect, we are good.
   
4. If you have a new girl, please expect us to make fun of her. Nothing personal, we don't know how long it will take before you do something so wrong that you mess it up. So, to us she is just another person in your life. We will know how serious you are about her. If you tell us all the freaky shit she does in bed or with her tongue then chances are....you are not trying to wife her. Now, you are all on that new shit about not telling your boys anything, then this is whole different situation.

I bring all of this up because once a man selects his circle of friends, he rarely changes it. The friends that are made in college are going to be the same friends that he will have by the time her is 40. After the age of 30, men do not try to find more friends. While they can spend their whole life looking for that perfect woman, they can be pretty content with their friends. Most men are fickle. They will keep their boys close until something outlandish happens.

Which brings me to my next point. Do not let a woman become in between you. If you are both feeling the same girl, person who ends up with her is the "winner". Do not go behind his back and try to screw around (even if the attraction is mutual) That is a cardinal sin and will lead to fists being thrown. At the same time, do not entertain the notion of dating your boy's ex-girlfriend. That may lead down a path you are so not ready for. The last thing you want to do is getting into your head that she is comparing because chances are...she is.

A bond between boys is something that is not easily broken and if it broken easily then the bond was not really there. Wouldn't you agree?

Tidbit Tuesday

Returning to NYC?

During my last trip to NYC, I failed to meet with my mother. It is not like I didn't try. I wanted to surprise her before I came back to Syracuse, but she wasn't home. So, I ended up talking to her a few day ago and I was informed that my uncle is throwing something for my cousin and his fiance on Father's Day. Clearly, I am invited.

I have several issues with this. It is on a Sunday, which means I have to drive back shortly after this thing. I am so not sure why my uncle would chose Father's Day to do this, but I wont go there. Gas cost money and I spend a lot of money on my last trip so to go down again? I am not so sure. What I do like is how my mother goes from asking me if I am going to assuming that I will be there...again we will see.

Taste of Syracuse

One of the few things that makes Syracuse bearable is the summer festivals they have. One in particular is the Taste of Syracuse. This is when all the local restaurants set up tents downtown and serve samples of their food. Of course there is plenty of beer and music to go around as well.

I did enjoy myself, but that only last for a little while. Having a square fully of people can get on my nerves. Not to mention people who are only there to drink and smoke. I was waiting on line for some lemonade and there was this nice lady behind me that had a double stroller with her 2 kids. The guy next to her decided to light up and smoke. The had he held the cigarette with was on the same side the kids were on so smoke an ash were going in their face.

So the lady tells this guy about himself and what he is doing. He just shrugs her off. This pissed the lady off and she leaves the line. I am like dumbfounded. The guy had, what appeared to be his woman with him, and she says.."that is why u get a baby sitter". Who says that??? This bitch, who looked she should be grateful to even get dick because she so ugly shouldn't be talking. I was not happy. Now you see why I cannot be here.

NBA Finals

I am so not happy with these finals. It is not that I am not a Laker fan or that some would deem me a Kobe Hater. It is the fact that Orlando is so damn wack. It has really been a long time since I started caring about the NBA. I haven't really watched Pro Basketball since the Knicks got destroyed in the NBA Finals by the Spurs. However, I did keep up the the finals over the past several years.

Maybe it is because I still feel bad for Lebron James. This is a man who is trying his best to be a leader and still cannot win. It is so much a similar feeling to me. he has so much passion and drive and the pain in his face was so evident when the Cavs last week. I feel his pain in so many ways.

Then he gets criticized for not speaking to the media and shaking hand with Dwight Howard. I mean really? Let it go people. He is young, and sure he will make mistakes, but do not question his class because he made a mistake in judgment. I wont lie, I am the worst sore loser. I hate to lose. We live in a society where everything is about winning. Losing hurts a lot and when you feel you have lost everything, you can feel someone else's pain.

My Near Death Experience

It was a regular day in April of 2007. I went out to food for Josie at Las Delicias. I ordered 2 red snapper meals with arroz amarillo (yellow rice) and 1 side of maduros and 1 side of tostones. I knew I was about eat well! The order was wrapped up well and I placed the bag on the floor of the passenger side of the car.

I started the car up, pulled out my iPod hit and shuffle. "Lovestoned/I Think She Knows" by Justin Timberlake starts blasting. I am ready to go. I pull out of the parking space and I make the turn on to Concord Place. It was pretty nice night. It was later in the evening. I make the next left on to Allen Street. I am driving down this street and there is no traffic then a black cat comes out of no where and I swerve...

I am not sure if anyone really knows the feeling of being in a vehicle when it turns over. It is almost like a roller coaster ride. This all happens very fast, but I was able to hear the car hit the tree. I hear myself scream "NO". Then the car flips

My life did not flash before my eyes, but I did think I was going to die. I am still in the car, upside down. My nose hurts from the airbag. I have my eyes closed because I run a pain diagnostic on myself. Legs check. Feet check. Arms Check. No blood I can feel. I open my eyes and I am truly upside down. I think to myself... "I cannot believe I just flipped this car." I can smell the food. Then I think..."Oh shit, I have a full tank of gas.." I unbuckle my seat belt and I crawl out of the car.

On my way out I see my new phone that I just got in 3 pieces (Phone, battery, cover). I stand up and I just look at the car. I see my iPod across the street. I pick that up and then a woman comes running out asking me if I was ok. She blabs about how she is a nurse and how I need to sit down. I can tell she is trying to check me for wounds. She mentions that she called 911. I put my phone back together and I call Josie.

I totaled that car. I just got that car a month prior. The rest of the night consisted of me going to the hospital for testing. I remember sitting on the gurney with both Josie and I crying because even then we knew that our marriage was in trouble. I still think about that day. I was off from work for a week because I was sore as hell. I think about how some of my friends did not call even though they knew what happened and I think about the one person I needed to call me...did.

I will always think about how I almost died 2 years ago. The police told me that if I had not had my seat belt on, I would not have made it. I am re-telling this because this I feel this is the closest I have ever come to death. It would have ended very quickly and then what? I thought about this yesterday. I told myself that I need to finally figure out what I want to do.

I am not staying in Syracuse. I have decided to finish my Masters and get out of here. The city is not for me. This job is not for me anymore. There is a glass ceiling over my head that I know I cannot crack. My mother is now 70 and my aunt is getting older and someone needs to look out for her. My nephew is getting bigger and I am tired of not getting to see Met games whenever I want. I miss New York City and I want to go back now! But, I need to do me. I need to get this degree.

P.S. Yes that is the car pictured above.

The Value of "X"

I am amazed about how much time I have been able to think about love and life. I think so much these days that creating blog topics are as easy for me as it was when I started this months ago. I was thinking about how we establish rules in order to put a value to a person or value to a relationship. I am not a math person but I do remember a few things, like trying to find the value of x. I think that is geometry.

I remember a typical problem being something like 5x + 6x = 22. Then one would have to figure out what the value of x was. I feel that many people view the value of love and relationships in very much the same manner. They create rules in order to justify a decision. I found this to be the case in many women I know. I am not generalizing, but most guys that I know don't follow any particular rules as it applies to love.

I will give an example. To me this is a typical thought of someone who is using rules to define love: "I know that he works hard everyday, but if he really cares about me he will blow off his meeting and come home early" That seems like a reasonable request. You can see the value of this equation, but think about how quickly it can turn. "This man knows that I want him to come home early and he is still in meetings, he must not care about me as much as I thought".

To many people, love is an equation. All the pieces and parts must fit in a certain way in order for a relationship to begin. I, for one, do not subscribe to this thought because I am more of feeler. I like to feel my way through things. I am ok if things do not make sense because as I had said before, love is the perfect emotion. We are the ones who are not perfect. However, when it comes to love, many people expect perfection. Which is why rules are created and the "equation of love" begins.

I am not referring to dating rules, although I think those are irrelevant too. It is my belief that we develop a mechanism to guard ourselves from getting hurt. We take lessons learned from past relationship and apply them to possible relationships in the future, which makes complete sense. However, can anyone truly control how they feel about someone if it just feels right? I understand that we all guard our feelings because pain of rejection and the fear being alone can be great, but I think we lose so much of ourselves have our guard up.

Fear. That is the bottom line. That is value of x. Fear dominates our daily lives and stops us from doing anything successful. That is reason for the rules that we make up. Our fears can range from the thought of being alone to the thought of losing your yourself. Fear gives us a reason to create rules so that we have an easy way out. If a person does not match a list of criteria (i.e. he/she smokes too much, he/she is too old or too young) then they can be crossed off a fictitious list of potential mates. Fear gives us a reason to make excuses.

Talk About Awkward...

I keep forgetting that not everyone knows about Josie and I splitting up. One of the things about working at Syracuse University is that you meet so many people. Between students, staff, faculty, and guests we may run into, I would say that her and I know many people. So I know that on any given day someone will come up to me and ask "How is the wife?"

It kinda bugs me out in a very amusing way. The only way that people would know is if they read this blog. I have told certain individuals personally and so has Josie. So, I am not exactly sure who knows. Not that it is a big deal. So when the question is asked, I simply tell whomever that she is fine. To be real, I do not want to always talk about it.

I think what will be awkward is when colleagues begin to find out. I can only imagine the questions. The funny thing is that Josie and I can still work together and get things done for the students because we are professional and we know why we are here. I think it will be awkward for everyone else.

The other thing I find awkward, and maybe it is just me, I feel like everyone I know who is single is getting married! It is just weird. I certainly do not want to be the bearer of bad news, particularly for those who are about to get married. It is sort of like when I hear about people I know who die. It makes me think about my own mortality. The same thing holds true for people getting married. No one wants to think about what could happen if things don't work out.

The good thing is that when you are engaged there is the belief that you will be together forever. Which is good. So the news that they here should not distract them. Which is why I found to heard to tell my brother, since he is getting married next year.

What I have encountered, that is not cool at all, is other people feeling the need to tell my business. I have mixed feelings about this because I know people will talk, but if I tell you that I am getting a divorce and not many people know, wouldn't that click in your head to not tell anyone? I recognize that if I tell a friend that is married he/she will tell his/her wife. I get that. But that person need to tell his spouse to shut the fuck up!

How annoying is it to tell someone who already knows and that person was not told by her or I? Of course this incident happened before I mentioned my situation on this blog last week. It makes me want to re-evaluate those I call friends.

Choices...

Over the last few weeks I have been thinking about how small choices can effect life in a big way. As shown on my post on Monday about Soul Mates, I have been listening to a lot of Chris Rock lately and he is a very quotable person.

This all started on my drive back from New York City on Saturday. Normally, I drive to music. I have an iPod full of music to make those 4 hours seem like nothing. I was not feeling in the music mood, which is rare because I am always listening to music, as I am now (If I Was Your Woman by Alicia Keys is playing on my iTunes right now). I decided to do something different. I needed to laugh. I am fortunate to have XM radio and I turned it to the RawDog Comedy channel. It was exactly what I need. I was in tears most of the ride back.

It made me think of Chris Rock and how funny I find him. Mostly because I think that he speaks the truth on so many subjects. We laugh because the truth is so ridiculous. As I was searching for the perfect clip about soul mates, I came across one of his quotes. The problem is, I do not know what show this is from:

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

I have seen the show that he mentions this. In the context of what he is saying it is hysterical. It does make me think about how choices can change a life.

For a long time, I thought my dad was going to live a long life bitter life alone, but he was able to have someone be in his life. More often than not, the choices you make in life come back to you. In my case, I am dealing with that now and it has brought a whole new perspective on what I need to do in my life (of course it is a work in progress).

Lately, when I walk around campus I seem to see one or 2 older people who are either sitting on a bench or walking around aimlessly and I think about what choices did they make to land them where they are. I see some of the same faces everyday and they look bitter. It is my belief that if you are old and bitter then you have made a lot of bad decisions in life that has gotten you to this point. Which is why I cannot get mad at bitter old people. Who knows how many times they have tortured themselves over a painful choice they have made. While it is easy to say that we need to accept the things we cannot change, doing it is a whole other story.

I recently heard a story about a woman I used to know. We were colleagues and I considered her a friend at one point but she decided to (in my opinion) be selfish and leave me to do several projects with no guidance on what she had done previous. This became a pattern with other people she knew and even lost her job in the process. When it came time for her to marry and have a child, she sent invites to all those she once wronged, including me. Turns out I was not the only one who did not attend her festivities. She recently spoke to a friend of mine and comment how no one was there for her, but my question is where was she?

Choices, good or bad, will come back to everyone of us. That is something I really did not have a concept of when I was younger and is now something I deal with. My father always told me what comes around, goes around. I have to admit once again he is right.

Tidbit Tuesday

Santo Domingo!

It looks like I will be going to the Dominican Republic next year! My brother/cousin is getting married and they have decided to marry on the island of Quisqueya. I am very much looking forward to this on so many levels.

The fact that my new brother, Rick is getting married really makes me happy. I have seen him go through many trails when it comes to relationships and to see him getting to this stage is great. I felt weird telling him what is going on with me since he is now in planning mode, but it is all good.

Another reason why I looking forward to this is that I have never been to the Dominican Republic. This will be the first trip I will be on by myself (relationship wise) since I went to Cancun in 1997. So, I am looking forward to it.

Family Dynamics

Before I spread confusion to those who know me, I think I need to explain where "brother/cousin" came from. Rick is my cousin. We have been close for many years. His father is my mother's brother. I have another cousin named David, who is older. Their mother is my new step mom.

How is this possible? Long after my parents split, my father start dating my step mother. She was already split with my uncle. They have been with each other since I was in High School! Which is why I have always thought that it was about time they tied the not. So when they got married, about a week ago, my cousins became my brothers by marriage.

I will not use the term "brother/cousin" again. They are simply my brothers now. So if any one asks, I know have 3 brothers.

Running

I ran my ass off last night! I almost did 4 miles. I am quite proud of myself. I program the treadmill to go for 45 minutes and I will run for as long as I can. I will start for less than a minute on speed 3 and then when I get my fast music ready, I bolt to 6. My goal here is to see how far I can go at that speed until I need to slow down. Last night I was able to do it for more than 15 minutes, which translates to 1.5 miles straight without slowing down

What I am amazed about, is that this all possible because I got new running shoes. My dad gave me an early birthday gift. I told him I needed running shoes badly and he came through. This is my first real pair and they make all the difference in the world.

I do have a goal. My goal is to be in peak shape my May of 2010. Just in time for my trip to Santo Domingo. I would like to look good and to feel good. I think will have to adjust my diet. That will be next on my list.

Movie Season

I have been really over the top with Movies this year. I saw 4 movies last week. I feel like every year the movie season is better than the last. Let me just list the movies that I have seen since May 1st. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (twice), Star Trek (3 times), Angels & Demons, Terminator: Salvation, and The Soloist. This is crazy to me. Not to mention that Transformers is coming out on June 24.

I will say this. The best movie out of all that I have seen was The Soloist. The other movies were pretty much entertainment and they were all very good. However, The Soloist is just on a different level. Jamie Fox and Robert Downy Jr do a fantastic job of telling a story about poverty and mental health issues in this country. It made me feel grateful for what I have.

The Soloist is near the end of its theatre run, so I would see it if you get a chance.

Music

One thing I liked about The Soloist, is the music. I am very much into classical music and the big band sound. There is something epic about this type of music. The bad part about this is that I have very limited knowledge when it comes to classical music. Sure there is Mozart, and some other names I cannot pronounce, much less spell. But, I appreciate the music.

Music in general is what keeps me going. While, I have been trying to avoid overly depressing music, I have been listening to a lot of Rock and Club music. Hip Hop is always in my heart, but there is so much wack music lately that I need substance. Nas will never talk about matter of the heart. Today's R&B is not cutting it either and I hate that Birthday Sex song (quite possibly because I will not be having any sex on my birthday...lol

Maybe it is because I am older that I would rather listen to something that reflects me a little more. So listening to music about wack shit is just not going to do it for me. I need to listen to song that make sense, or have a good enough beat so I can run to it, or quite simply make me dance

One more thing, Salsa will never die with me! So I talk a lot of shit about any other genera but Spanish music is different level. I can listen to it at anytime.

Soul Mates?

I know this was a little long, but I love Chris Rock!

Let me start off by saying that I cannot believe it is June. It is not that I feel this year is going fast, because I don't think it is. I guess I am looking at it as being 11 days closer to 35.

Anyway, I have spent this past weekend thinking about many things. I mentioned in my last post about how I had met up with and old friend who had already been in my shoes, the one of the things she said was that "Everything is Temporary". I found this to be a profound remark. It made me think how true this was in my life. Is everything temporary?

I think that people tend to come and go in my life. I also believe that everyone serves a purpose that I may not always understand. I chose to focus on those who may have most impact in my life and they are the ones I talk to the most. While I do not think friendship is temporary, I think that connections can be. I may not see a good friend of mine for years. Our connection could be broken but our friendship is not.

Which brings me to relationships and love. Is love forever? Can you truly love someone forever? I don't know. I think you can try. But, often times love goes both ways. Sure one person can love another for a long time, but what happens when that love is not returned? I would assume that is when things become temporary.

I ask all this because I am thinking about theory on Soul Mates. I am not sure they exist. I think about everything I have gone through in my life. The women that I have been in love with and the failures that have come from it. It makes me think about what the purpose of all this is? Are we supposed to go through life searching for the perfect someone? Or do we end up with who we end up with and hope for the best?

I do not quote myself often, but I blogged on Valentines Day. I wrote about love being the perfect emotion and while I would love for you to read it (because I think it is incredibly relevant right now), I have pulled out a small excerpt:

True love is like the pot at the end of rainbow for many of us. But is true love the embodiment of a soul mate? Maybe it is love of a parent and child, or perhaps the love that two very good friends share. I wont say that I know the answer. But, I do know that are people in this world who are very happy with their current situations. Those situations could be alone with plenty of love of friends, or love of children. I am not downplaying the loving relationship between 2 people, but I believe that Valentine's Day has a way of effecting people who are not in a relationship or are in a relationship that has not filled its potential.

I think that many of us are fooled into believing that love is this thing we see on TV. That love is a perfect emotion that endures anything. So, people have expectations of others that may not be attainable. Not to say that love can't survive anything, I for one believe it can, but we know that humans are imperfect. So if love is the perfect emotion, and we are not perfect, then that is going to lead to issues for many people. If anyone has ever been in love then you will know that is the one emotion that will make you do dumb things.

That sums it up for me, we are not perfect. Yet, we expect the perfect things from people and even from ourselves. Unfortunately, this is where we get in trouble. I was told that I let my emotions control me. While that might be the case, I feel that my capacity to care and love can be great. I know many men who would rather show no emotion. In those cases, women often try to "fix" it by getting them to express their feelings of love. In any case, I do let me emotions rule over me because I think that matters of the heart should no be contained by logic.

I also completely understand that the very fact that I may not really believe in Soul Mates could render me single for quite awhile. However, I do think there is only a finite number of times you can find love. Let's face it, people suck. The older you get the more baggage you attain...and even if you do not have any baggage, the next person you try to date will most certainly will.

For now, I will stick with the Chris Rock definition of Soul Mates until someone can prove to me otherwise.