Okay, I actually had to marinate on this one. Ant asked me to write a response to his “Men are Assholes” blog. I say I had to think about it because I could have simply written, “I agree…The End” and kept it moving. :) But, I wanted to give this some serious thought.
I know most women who read Ant’s blog will say ‘yes, men ARE assholes. Period.” And that would be easy to do. But then we have to prepare ourselves for the snappy comeback – “well, if we’re assholes, it’s because women are bitches!”
Back to that in a minute.
Ant kinda wrote his own follow-up to the “Most Men are Assholes” blog with his “The Scourge: A Man Scorned” post. It kinda gave an explanation as to the reason why some men are assholes. I’m going to try to respond to both blogs in one.
Ant said most men are assholes, or have the potential to be. But that could be said about anyone…man or woman. Women can be bitches (whatever your definition of a bitch is) - we all have the potential to be. What defines our character is how we react in certain situations and how we allow these situations to affect our lives. For the sake of this post, the situation is heartache. We can either take a good look at our heartbreaks and learn the lesson, or we can turn into assholes and bitches and destroy everything in our path. It’s up to us to decide.
That being said, from the woman’s perspective, most of us recognize the asshole. Ant said the asshole can disguise himself as a sincere, genuine dude just to get what he wants…but most men don’t bother. They just don’t go that far to try to get us if they’ve been THAT hurt. They really could give a damn. Like Ant said, most assholes tell you upfront what the deal is and leave it up to you to decide if you wanna rock with him or not. There are at least 3 other women he’s already looking at ready to take your place if you bounce.
But, some women think we can change him, soften him up a bit…be the woman that takes his “assholedness” away. And if that’s the case, all I can say is if you fall for an asshole, you have no one to blame but yourself.
Men like the ones Ant speaks of are not hard to spot. Sure, they can lure you with fake confidence, money, cars, clothes, sweet words, and dance and romance your sweet ass. But underneath all that is a man filled with bitterness and anger – not just towards women, but towards himself too. He can’t hide that for too long. If you wait a little while and don’t give him any too soon, he will eventually rear his ugly head. Trust me on that.
But sometimes we women don’t give it a chance. We catch feelings and BAM! Hooked on an asshole. We make excuses for why we fell for the asshole…all of it nonsense. I know, I’ve done it. I still do it sometimes…and it’s all buffoonery. There’s no trickery involved. It’s just that assholes present a challenge. We want to “fix” them. We want to love them back to health. Ladies, it can’t be done. He has to WANT to not be an asshole anymore – and if the pain is too deep, RUN! Nothing hurts more than to fall in love with an asshole with a broken heart.
That being said, I don’t believe that most men are assholes. But what most men are NOT are experts with emotions…especially their own. We may not believe this, but I think women are good at eliciting emotions from men, even though they won’t admit it. When things are good, well, they're good. Like Ant said, men want to love and loved in return. But when things fall apart, men feel like they fell into a trap that they set for themselves. Men think love is a curse. They run from it like it’s a disease they catch, like the freakin plague. They fool themselves into believing that they can’t be hurt. But when it inevitably happens, they're shocked and surprised…and pissed off.
For some, emotional pain hurts like physical pain. When a man gets hurt, the instinctive response is to hurt the person who inflicted this damage even more. In the hundreds of thousands of years since man walked upright, this instinctive response served them well. Until now. Now this response just makes life unbearable for everyone - them and the women they loved (and perhaps still love) and every woman who follows.
When their world flips upside down, inflicting pain on the woman also gives him a small measure of grounding. If he can't make her feel love for him, he at least can make her feel pain because of him. It's not much of a consolation prize, but at this point, any bits and pieces of pride and ego that he can salvage he'll gladly take. When there's no more love to speak of, power is the only thing that matters. As long as he still has the power to make the woman feel something, anything, even if it's pain and misery, he will likely use it.
So yes, sometimes men act like assholes. Not because they really are, but because it's the easy way out. It’s the fastest way for them to heal and come to terms with their emotions. The alternative is too difficult and too painful. Not many men know how to take the high road or deal effectively with their emotions. It could be called “bitchassness”…or simply human nature.
Typically, men and women deal with emotions differently. Women cry, call girlfriends, hash it out immediately and allow ourselves to drown in the pain until we can’t cry anymore. Then magically we’re cured and we fall in love again. The problem is if we don’t take responsibility, learn our lessons and keep falling in love with assholes, then we can - and most likely WILL - turn into that bitch ourselves. Some women react the same way an asshole man does, and punish every potentially good man they meet…making him pay for the asshole they fell in love with who hurt them. And the cycle continues.
For the woman, I have only one piece of advice. Ask yourself: is he a good person having an asshole moment? Or is he TRULY an asshole? If the answer is yes, then be honest with yourself and run – do not pass-go! But if he’s a good guy who’s been hurt and is trying to instinctively protect himself from being hurt again, forgive him for his asshole moments - even if he acted foolish and hurtful in the worst situations. He did it because it was the only way he knew how to get through the darkness. And if the Scourge truly wants to come out of the darkness, don’t be a bitch…be his Light.
10 comments:
Brooke, Let me just say thank you so much for this blog! One thing I did not want to do is speak for women on this subject.
I think yuo bring up a great point about women wanting to "fix" his issue. I wonder where does this come from? Where does this feeling that a woman can fix a man come from?
Women are nurturers by nature. We want to love something, someone, ANYone, sometimes. If we see you hurting, or acting out, we want to fix it. It's in our nature. Especially if we feel there's some "potential."
The problem is we give this love to the wrong people - people who don't deserve it. Some men recognize that type of woman and take advantage of her...they prey on her. And then they hurt her, and she becomes a bitch and then hurts the next dude...who is a good guy, but now feels scorned and now he's an asshole. The cycle you wrote about.
Women need to learn to love themselves more than these dudes they're trying to fix. Really take the time to get to know them and analyze the situation fully and be out if he ain't right. It's hard to do, especially when we outnumber you the way we do and we want a man period, but we have to do better. You know better you're supposed to do better...but easier said than done.
Maybe we are hard on ourselves and I will admit that I am an asshole myself. The reason all of this is all coming out for me is what I am personally going through and what I am witnessing other women go through.
I have no doubts that people are wonderful but we never know what happens behind closed doors. Call me cynical, but I am not sure many people always have good intentions.
LOL!! I agree!
I won't say that I meet alot of assholes...but when I do, I tend to get away from them quickly.
I think people have asshole moments, but are not REALLY assholes. I think people do assholes things, but are not assholes themselves.
I am blessed that I surround myself with positive people - it's just that we aren't in relationships with these people :)
But we are all human and make mistakes and have moments and we just have to learn to love and forgive each other.
Incredible response! Yep I've encountered a couple. One was a good man...we had a great friendship and I always prayed for him (still do even though he doesn't know it) he just had a lot and I mean a lot of problems. I learned from the one before him that I can't fix it but can be by his side to support him. But if he doesn't want it and puts the hand up then I can't force him.
You gotta love yourself in order to love someone else. He couldn't love me even if he said he did. He didn't like himself. A lot of hurtful things in his past. But does that mean you turn into something else and give me pain, misery and intentionally hurt me. No!
I pray for people like that. I once did a piece that said some peeps have so many issues it's like peeling an onion. The core is so deep but in order to reach it you gotta peel away. Until then they become hardened and act like an a**hole! Turning cold and stink like a moldy onion (not a good look).
I do think some are just pure a**holes and wonder why they don't have friends. The women they keep are insecure of themselves. They think money is power or hitting a woman is fun and when they act this way barely have an apology or the one they have is sorry. A definite no ladies!
Anywho that is my 52 cents :) thanks for the blog Ant and Brooke!
Thanks for checking it out Serena!
Sometimes I think it's worse for a man when they get hurt and have alot of problems simply because the process or deal with their emotions so differently than we do. It's like kryptonite to them. The best thing to do is just support them and listen, not necessarily try to fix them.
And you're right, loving and valuing yourself first is key, that way no asshole can really get to you :)
Amen to the response. Loving yourself is key for real. Some men get so full of themselves (and women). Yes it's great to be successful in what you do but you gotta stay humble otherwise you may have a lot of money, the look and all that exterior stuff going on but your attitude is jacked up!
So I read LN 2 posts, and Brooke's guest post. I have mixed feelings. I think the root of our a-holeness towards each other stems from a bigger issue beyond male ego, male's not being able to express their emotions, mars v venus whatever, etc.
I wish the post would have been titled: Human's are A-holes. To be honest, unless you do the necessary knowledge on how men and women are instinctually wired, the impact of pop adult culture and how society creates new cultural norms (dysfunctional), our relationships will never ever work.
Many of the differences that I have had with past women (I'm so happy I found my Queen Sarah) was a misunderstanding of what I like to call "empirically tested behavioral norms". We just don't seem to recognize that how we act is the root of our demise. Never humble enough to say "Hey maybe it's me?".
I realized that. I was part of the problem I was part of the catalyst for women behaving in such a flawed manner. I was an enabler. As soon as I changed my behavior, my manner, language, what things I emphasized about myself, level of humility, sincerity, certain physical sacrifices (this is critical), the human scales of opportunity immediately changed.
For those interested, please read Real Love by Ava Muhammad (Farakhans wife). This is a book for everyone, its' not exclusive to just Muslims. I spent 3 years talking to my now wife remotely while she was in Saudi Arabia. We would literally read the book to each other over the phone because the jewels in there were so critical.
Malik, You have truly brought a brand new perspective to all of this.
I will agree that change comes from within, which is why I say that these behaviours are linked to emotion. If one cannot recognize that, then it becomes harder to deal with pain and loss.
I will have to check that book out. Thank you for the new way of looking at things.
LN, much respect. That book is hard to find, but If you dig a bit you'll find it. If you have trouble finding that book let me know.
Human beings like the hamster wheel of life. Why? Because it's an expected response and result. Better to stay on the safe side and stay in the wheel than venture out in the unknown. If we would just have the courage to step outside the hamster wheel (although uncertain) we would find more happiness, welcomed challenges, with increased enlightenment.
It was not easy. I made decisions regarding how I would behave in my relationships that most people would say, "Yuu Craazay, that will never work". I became a better man for it and those same individuals that were highly critical of my new strategies are still sitting on the sidelines scratching their head.
Whether we are dealing with relationships or some other decision our choices have to be underscored by some level of empirics. We don't have to be limited to empirical information, but we have to weigh it equally, just like any other loose theory that we measure as the truth.
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