Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I do not know what it is. I feel different this year. Dare I say that I feel more mature.Writing that bio has really made me look at my life, even if it was just a synopsis. I do not feel comfortable enough to claim that I have been through a bad life, but I will say that I have been through some challenging times (haven't we all?). I am just wondering if I became this wise man when the clock struck twelve on New Years Day.
The last two years have been really tough and I am proud of myself for having endured it. As sit here and type this I wonder if I can say that I have been through a metamorphosis of the psyche. Yes, it is true the a divorce is a life altering event. Things that I took for granted in the past are simply not so anymore. I think I can enjoy life's little pleasure's because I am lucky to have endured. There are now things that I simply do not stress anymore. I just do not feel the need to.
I find it remarkable that I can say that if I do not get accepted to Sarah Lawrence that I will be OK. I know that there will be more opportunities and that I will simply have to wait for them. Essentially, I leave it all to fate. This is a line of thinking I would have had an issue with two years ago. I may have even been against it a year ago. Now, all I can say is that if it is meant to be, then it will be. Let me tell you, that is a statement that I once hated.
Perhaps there is merit to thinking that once you have nothing to lose you are free to live. I have come to accept many things in my life and I am not ashamed of it. Acceptance is apart of being able to live life. I cannot hold on to the grudges of old. Now, do not misread me, if you done me wrong and it caused me great pain then chances of me inviting you back into my life are slim and none, yet that does not mean I have harbor ill will or negativity. I will also say that in many cases the person I should have a grudge against is myself for the many things that came from wrong decisions...but you live and learn. I am a better person from it.
Someone asked me how I can just freely admit that my mother disowned me before college and my answer was very simple and to the point: that was another lifetime. This has been my answer for so many things in 2011 when it comes to my past, it was simply another lifetime. I am a different person. I can hardly recognize myself in old pictures. Maybe this is why I take so many pictures of myself. I can see the change.
I just feel more mature, more serene. I just worry, in some small way, that is leading to me not caring anymore about things in general. I just feel that I have the power to make better choices and that I can walk away from the wrong ones. More importantly, I feel that I have to ability to shape my social circle. I know all the talk about how hard it is for a man to make friends as he gets older, but I think that all depends on how open men are to the changes in their life. A broken ego is not something that men bounce back easily from.
I don't know. There is a lot of thoughts than occur from solitude, which is not a bad thing. Perhaps I have become mature enough to appreciate my time alone so that when I do share my time with others it becomes more meaningful...