Living in the Moment

"The Secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly." - Buddha

One of the things that I have learned, is how hard life can be. It is so very easy for anyone of us to live in the past or dream too much of the future. But, it is very difficult to just live in the moment. I think that this is something that I am slowly learning to do.

When people say to me that I have to take things day by day, I am not really sure how to take that. I understand that we all have to live life one day at a time, but I have been the type to consider my past as a part of the plan that I once had for the future. The problem is that I never really stopped to smell the roses. In fact, the only thing I really stop for is the smell of bullshit, but I am sure that is just the way life is.

I have come to learn that life is a series of little moments that I just need to enjoy. These are things that I cannot feel too deeply about. There are also bad moments that I cannot feel too deeply about as well. So no matter good or bad I just have to take everything as it comes. So the goal is to enjoy the good ones and dismiss the bad ones, while not taking either too deeply. Wow, that is really hard to do. However, these little moments that I have define my day.

I know that I can work so much that I may never go outside on a particular day to see the sky (even though it is cloudy most of the time). Many days can go by and I may not stop what I am doing to just go somewhere. I also know with all things that I think about when it comes my impending divorce, I seldom take the time for myself to do what I would like to do. Again, this is hard to do. Not only I am going through a life altering event, I am also altering my life in various ways.

There was a thought that perhaps I may be living in the past or just caught up by it. That may have been true some months ago, but I do not think that is the case anymore. I have painstakingly taken my time to go through every last issue that I think I have and analyzed them backwards and forwards. It would be foolish to say that I have addressed every issue I do have. So, I have learned to let many of them go.

Living in the moment for me requires a great deal of patience. It is a balancing act that I have to do so that I do not get too stressed or too excited about the possibility of things. I just need to take things for what they are. Through this, I see that anything is truly possible in my life. Some people has mistaken my willingness to live in the moment as me waiting for something to happen and that makes me smile. Right now, the only thing I wait for the right job to come along so that I can move on with my life. While that might be waiting in a certain sense...it is only because I put the effort into sending out my resume.

With all this being said, I really do plan out my future in terms of goals for myself. I have goals that I set a few months ago, but that does not stop me from living in the moment. I want to also point out that I am not running away from the past either, it is what it is. Thus, the balancing act that I speak about. Almost like a tightrope walk to whatever my destiny is.

Afro is Latino

I can remember the first time I felt I was different. I was a small kid in catholic school and I questioned my appearance. I perceived myself to not be as cute as the other boys my age; the lighter skinned boys. Granted, I was a very skinny kid. Being called "flaco" was not something that was foreign to me. But, what really made me think that I was ugly had to do with how little girls responded to me versus some of the other boys I had seen.

I wont even go into the fact that some of my lighter skinned cousins thought it was quite amusing to call me "tar baby". While that seemed funny at the time to them, I can remember asking God (in the numerous times I was at church because, again I went to catholic school)why was I born with bad hair? Why was I born not looking more like my dad since he can have flowing hair that women seem to be attracted to? I recall thinking why did I have to have darker skin?

I have the complexion of my mother. While I hung out with mostly African Americans, I was always told that I am not black. This lead to confusion because the mirror told me something different. So this made going to High School and College very difficult for me. It can be hard to try to fit in when you are not sure of your own place in world. Now that I think about it, this is probably the reason why I did not get along with many people in High School. I chose my friends sparingly and I think even to this day, I am not sure I can call many of them friends at all.

I always assumed that the college experience would be different for me and it certainly was. But the dynamic of not fitting in with African American or Latinos was unsettling. The funny thing is not many people really believe there is a difference in the social order, as if it were my paranoia. However, when you are a dark Latino you know that it is far more that just paranoia. I learned very quickly that people can be very color struck when it come to the appearance of others.

Just to break it down. White people have always thought I was African American. Which is why that I feel the need to represent my culture while I am in Syracuse. I use my Afro-Latino persona as a way to teach people that we all do not look the same. I bring this up because my parents cannot believe I am like this "Super Latino" when I am at work, but you know what? Someone has got to wear the cape. Most African Americans just think I am black as well, but they are not too surprised about my origin. Latinos...well they just know.

The funny (well maybe not so funny) thing is that during my college years it was just so very apparent to me that I essentially did not fit in any group for long periods of time. Of course, when I look back at it most of my good friends are black. I had always got the feeling that I was just not Latino enough for my Latino classmates (not all felt that way, but most). Was it perhaps that I did not speak Spanish as everyone thinks I should have? I am not sure, but there was definitely something because I do know that I was one of very few Afro-Latinos on campus at the time (believe it or not there were not the many Dominicans as there are now at SU...lol).

Why do I bring this up? Why am I all of a sudden writing about this? Yes, I know that this blog has been mostly about my road to redemption, but I want people to realize that no matter what I go through, this identity that I have will always be apart of me. I want people to understand that I am very proud to say that I am Afro-Latino. I understand why my skin is dark. I understand the African roots of my culture that includes the music, culture and religion. I also understand why people do not understand where people like me are coming from.

One of the questions I do get is why did I pick the name "latinegro". Well besides the obvious connotation there is another reason. Two years ago, I did a research paper on Afro Latinos and I ended up coming away with so much knowledge that I used this name that I found which was coined by another person. Her name is Marta Cruz-Jazen and she wrote "¿Y Tu Abuela A'onde Está?", which a very interesting article and she calls people like myself, latinegros. Clearly I loved it and had to use it.

So let me define what latinegros are in my own words that I am taking straight from the research paper that I wrote: Latino Negros can be identified as dark skinned Latinos. Often times they will be referred to as Afro Latinos or Black Latinos. In the various Latino cultures throughout the Caribbean and Latin America, they represent the bottom of the social ladder. They are normally the poor and uneducated. The term Latino Negro is a not a term that is recognized nor used, but it is something I feel best represents what I am in relation to other Latinos.

This is who I am. This is what I identify as. I may not have an Afro but the Afro has me...

Doors To Redemption

A short poem today but...I have learned that you cant always pick the length of what come from the heart:

How many times
will I have to relive the past
to discover that time heals
old wounds slowly
in fact so slow that it
is like running backwards
on an escalator
that puts us nowhere
but yet I still care?
How many times do I
have to blame myself
or show that I really
did things incorrectly
my words did come out incoherently
I have just grown tired
of hiding behind the melancholy
forgiveness goes both ways
letting go of all past days
of all the fighting and the tears
where truth unlocks hidden fears
the doors of the long hallway
are opening and it is time
to choose which direction
that will lead to redemption