Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Is there no dignity left in people anymore? For years I have been trying to figure out why I have stopped being so into the NBA. Sure, I am a New York Knicks fan and probably the decline of that franchise has much to do with disdain for the sport, but I love college basketball. I think I has to do with people trying to be larger than the sport. The fact the people are begging Lebron James to come to their city is just so distasteful to me.
Lebron James right now is not the king, Kobe Bryant is. He has won no championships and his move to another franchise does not guarantee one. The fact that people are making websites and personal pitches is ridiculous to me, especially New Yorkers. It is almost like people are worshiping a false god and it should really stop. New York has to realize that they are not getting Lebron so dick riding is not cool.
The problem is that he thinks he is larger than the game. It has become very apparent to me. At one point, I thought he would be the savior that the NBA needs, but I don't think that is the case anymore. Don't get me wrong he a fantastic player but he has nothing to show for it. The issue is that people are looking for their personal Michael Jordan. The person who will win multiple rings in a row and restore glory to their team. I get that but, let the owners and the GMs do their jobs. To see these people march in parades and have shows for him is absurd.
Basketball is a team sport and you will need more that just one person to win. Much like baseball, and New Yorkers know this well, you need to have the right people surrounding your best players in order to make it through the playoffs. The Knicks do not have that...he will not be the Derek Jeter we need in basketball. Why? Because Derek has never made himself larger than the game.
Michael Jordan was built up to be larger than the game by the NBA and Nike. The reason why this happened is because he brought it every night..and sure he talked a lot of trash and destroyed the Knicks every chance he got but, he was that good. He backed up all the talk.
Sure maybe Lebron is the chosen one...for the right price (and if you promise not sleep with his mom). But the whole way he is trying to corner the market with his free agency status will put him quickly on my athletes to hate on list. If he was a simple person he would just work on getting Cleveland a championship.
So while you are all dick riding Lebron, I will patiently wait for the NCAA Basketball season to begin and watch true desire take the floor.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Last week I mentioned that I wrote a screenplay of sorts to transfer schools. Well I am dusting off this thing so it can see the light of day, otherwise no one will really read it. As I have done it the past, I have posted a story in which I wrote and I am once again doing it here. It will not take long to read. I wrote this when I was 19. Let me know what you think. Enjoy.
Call Your Mother
Philip………………….son of Carlos
Carlos…………………father of Philip
Elizabeth (Liz)………..girlfriend of Carlos, mother of Jason
Sonia………………….mother of Philip
Based on a true story.
This is dedicated to my grandfather. Rest in Peace Abuelito
It is May of a given year. This story takes place in the Bronx. Philip has come home with his cousin Jason, from college. Carlos and Elizabeth await them. The door opens and Philip walks in. He is carrying a duffle bag and a suitcase. He puts down both bags as soon as he walks in
Philip: Honey, I’m home! (with a smile on his face)
Carlos: (walks towards him, with Liz, from the kitchen) Who are you callin’ honey, bitch?
Liz: Carlos! (she punches him, lightly, in the arm and he laughs)
Philip: (sarcastically) Gee, you’re a sight for sore eyes.
Carlos and Liz hug Philip
Carlos: God, we missed you. So where’s the rest of your stuff?
Philip: In Julie’s car.
Liz: (surprised) She brought you?
Carlos: I thought you were taking the bus? (he and Liz look out the window.)
Philip: Well, I was, but Julie decided to swing around this way to drop off me and Jay.
Carlos: (looks at Philip) “Swing Around?” She lives in Main.
Philip: Hey, a free ride is a free ride.
Jason: (walks in carrying a box) Hey!
Liz: Hi! (Jason puts down the box next to the bag. He hugs Liz and shakes Carlos’ hand)
Carlos: What’s up? (he looks towards Philip) Do you have more stuff?
Philip: Uhh…(looks at what has been brought in) yeah, two boxes and a bag (looks out the door). Here comes Julie with the bag now.
They walk outside toward the car.
Liz: (looks at Jason as if she was examining him for anything wrong or out of place) Well how was the ride?
Philip: It was okay.
Liz: Are you ok?
Jason: I am fine. (a little defensive) Why, is there something wrong with the way I look?
Liz: No, well except for being a little thinner, no. So how long are you staying?
Jason: (confused) What do you mean?
Liz: You know what I mean. When she leaves for Maine are you going with her?
Jason: (unsure) I don’t know.
Liz: (anxious) What do you mean, you don’t know?
Julie walks in carrying a suitcase.
Julie: Hello! (smiling and cheerful)
Liz: How are you? (they hug)
Julie: I’m good, you?
Liz: Great, everything’s great. (she looks at Jason)
Carlos walks in with a box. Then Philip walks in with another. They put the boxes down.
Carlos: Well, those were the last two.
Philip: (relieved) Thank God I put the rest of my stuff in storage.
Carlos: Do you need help taking these upstairs?
Philip: Nah, I got it.
Liz: (to Jason) So what are you going to do now?
Jason: I think we are going to go home and unpack my stuff.
Philip takes one suitcase and the duffle bag upstairs.
Carlos: I’m cooking if you want to eat here later.
Julie: Okay. (she smiles and looks at Jason)
Jason: I’ll see you later then. (he kissed Liz) Bye.
Liz: Bye, que dios te bendiga. Bye Julie.
Julie: Bye Liz, bye Carlos. (she waves)
Philip comes down the stairs.
Carlos: Okay, bye
Philip: Later, yo.
Jason: Later. (Julie waves to Philip)
Jason and Julie leave. They go to the car and drive off. Meanwhile, Philip picks up a box and goes upstairs.
Carlos: So what did he say? (closes the door)
Liz: He said, he did not know. (they begin to walk toward the kitchen)
Carlos: I think he does know, but doesn’t want to tell you. She can’t be alone without him.
Liz: Carlos…(she sits down)
Carlos: She comes all the way down from Syracuse, drops off Phil then drives Jason home. (he walk toward the stove)
Liz: What are you getting at?
Carlos: (opens a pot on the stove) What I am getting at is, (he picks up a spoon on the side an puts in the pot and begins to stir) that Maine is very far from here. She is going to stay in your house (puts the spoon down and covers the pot) for a week. Then she is going to leave with him. (he opens another pot)
Liz: I know, but what am I going to do about it?
Carlos: Good Question. (recovers pot) If it were up to me, I would call him up and tell him to send the white bitch home.
Fade in. Kitchen. Two Hours later. Carlos calls Philip for dinner.
Philip: (walks in) What’s for dinner?
Carlos: Dog Food. (he is putting food on a plate)
Philip: Really? Can’t be any worse than the dining halls.
Liz: Were you on the phone?
Liz: Did Jason call?
Philip: Nope. (sits down)
Carlos: Who were you on the phone with? (puts the plate of food in front of Philip)
Philip: Mike. (picks up a fork and starts eating)
Carlos: So you didn’t call your mother? (walks to the cabinet and takes out another plate)
Philip: No…why, should I?
Liz: Yes you should. One day, ‘God forbid’, something may happen to your mother or someone in your family, you are going to regret that you did not call and reconcile. Now, are you going to call her? (Carlos puts food on a plate and gives it to Liz)
Philip: Maybe, if I feel like it.
Liz: That’s a nice attitude. (she sits down)
Carlos: I wonder where he gets it from. (Carlos gets another plate from the cabinet. He puts food on the plate.)
Liz: Heh, I wonder. (she looks at Carlos and smiles)
Carlos: (puts all the covers on the pots, takes his plate and sits down) How’s the food?
Philip: Its pretty good for Dog chow. (Liz laughs)
Carlos: (Sarcastically) I’m glad you like it. (Serious) Look…you don’t have to call your mother if you don’t want to. If she wants to talk to or see you, she should call you.
Liz: (shakes her head) That’s not right. You should call you mother to show her that you are the better person than she is.
Carlos: NO! (slams his fist on the table) She has not done shit for him. I’m the one paying for his tuition. (to Philip) She is the one who disowned you remember?
Philip: (reluctantly) Yeah, I remember.
Carlos: (calmer) Look, do what you want, she is your mother. You know how I feel.
The phone rings.
Carlos gets up and answers it.
Carlos: Hello. (looks at Liz) It’s your son. (Liz gets up and he give her the phone)
Liz: I thought you were coming over?
Jason: We changed our minds.
Liz: Really? You changed your mind.
Jason: Yeah, we went out to eat.
Liz: (annoyed) Oh, and you are telling me now?
Jason: It was a last minute decision.
Liz: A decision on whose part? Yours? Or hers?
Jason: (shocked) I can’t believe you just asked me that.
Liz: And I can’t believe you went out without telling me!
Jason: Without telling you? I am 19 years old and I have to tell you where I am?
Liz: Yes. It is your first day back and I wanted to see you. But, instead, your spend time with a woman who had been with you since you were a freshman! You are very ungrateful and inconsiderate! (raising her voice) I am your mother and I come first! (Philip looks at Liz and begins to think)
Jason: (upset) Fine, she is leaving tomorrow anyway. I will be with you all summer.
Liz: Oh, is that right? Where is she now?
Jason: In the shower.
Liz: We will discuss this later. Goodbye.
Jason: Yeah, Goodbye. (she hangs up)
Carlos: What happened?
Liz: (upset) He went out to eat with Julie. Then he said that she is leaving tomorrow and that he has all summer to spend with me. (Philip gets up)
Carlos: Where you going?
Philip: (distraught) I need time to think.
Fade in. One Hour Later. Philip calls his mother from the phone in his room.
Philip: (Nervous) Hello.
Sonia: (Surprised) Well, Hello.
Philip: (After an uncomfortable silence) Look, I was wondering if you could give me abuelito’s nursing home address.
Sonia: (sounds as if she has been crying) I wish I could.
Philip: What do you mean? (after a pause) Oh no….!
Sonia: Yes, He passed away this morning.
Philip: (crying) N-no! That is not fair, I was going to see him tomorrow. Oh my god, nooo.
Sonia: It’s your fault he died.
Philip: (shocked) What???
Sonia: Yes…and you know it is. If you had just visited him once, he would not have felt neglected; maybe he would still be alive.
Philip: NOOO! How can you say that? (Carlos comes running into the room as Philip slams the phone down)
Carlos: Que paso? What happened?
Philip: My grandfather is dead and it is all my fault!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Maybe it's the books that I am reading or the music I have been listening to, but I am getting a definite feeling that good things are about to come.
Let's start with the books. I am on my third book in a week and a half by the same author, Paulo Coelho. Clearly, I read The Alchemist and the other day I finished The Devil and Ms. Prym. Right now, I am reading Eleven Minutes and it seems to be another great read just like the other two novels. Reading these books make me realize so much about myself and the things around me. While The Alchemist made me realize to never stop dreaming, The Devil and Ms. Prym has made me understand the good people can be tempted to make bad choices, but that does not make them bad people.
Eleven Minutes is about love. One friend told me that this book made her believe in love again. I will say that I need to believe in that again. I know what I saw in the Dominican Republic and I am not entirely sure that is possible for someone like me, but it will be nice to have faith that it can.
There have been many omens that I have been following over the last week and because I have followed them, I am about a day or so away from finally having a roommate. I tossed around the idea of selling the house but in the end, my heart told me I need to really give this one more try. I put up one final ad and I got 2 decent people whom I met and it seems to this point that by July 1, I will have two people living with me.
The meeting with one of them went so well that he was wondering if I would be willing to rent out the 3rd room that I was just using for storage. This is something that I cannot ignore. I may have to take him up on that offer for a possible 3rd roommate by August.
Look, I am hustling. I am trying to get my work done at the job while maintaining a job search. Speaking of which I got what looks like a promising email so I will keep my fingers crossed on that. I made some minor changes to my resume that I feel quite good about. I will not lose my resolve and will continue doing what I must. This does not mean that I am not following through with Plan B of school full time. I have met with some people that have helped me in this process as well. Names were dropped and now I am on my networking flow.
Speaking of books. I started an outline for a book I would like to write in the future. It needs so much work but as I was doing it I began to realize that this is something that can actually be possible. I have a very good friend pushing to get this done and that is what I need. I have written so many blog posts to this point that I know that I can write a book. I just need to put my mind to it. This is a long term goal that I will see to the end.
I had a dream the other day about a hot steaming iron in my room. So like I normally do, I looked it up on dreammoods.com and came up with what might be the reason for this:
To see red, hot iron in your dream, represents action. Perhaps the dream is telling you to "strike while the iron is hot". You need to take advantage of certain opportunities while it is still available.
I think this just says it all to me. I need to keep going. I need to not let anything stop me in my quest to better myself. I know for a fact that I am my worst own enemy. When I feel down or get emotional, I tend to stop and analyze everything around me. This is just a waste of time. I wont do it...not this time.
As far as music goes, I have picked several albums. Drake, Eminem, The Roots, and Marc Anthony. So far I am very much inspired by Eminem's Recovery Album. He speaks about going to hell and coming back in just about every facet of his life. I feel like I have been on a similar journey.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
My Dad and Step Mom at their wedding reception last year
Like most teenagers, I was rebellious. I didn't want to hear what my parents had to say because I was absolutely sure that they both had no idea what it was that I was going through. Sure, they had been in their teens before but that was a different time. The world was different and it was me who was stuck going through a divorce with parents who seemed to almost hate each other.
Even in college, I felt relatively the same way. By then, I was living with my dad and we would clash over just about anything. My need for freedom and his need to protect me would produce angry words and tears. There was a point in which we may have both felt that we were never going to see eye to eye on anything! I found myself not asking for advice because I thought that I need to get through my life by myself. After all, I had friends and they knew me just as well.
Then it happened. The first time my heart was broken and I did not know how to deal with it. I struggled with the pain and the torment for days that lasted into weeks. None of my friends could really help but listen to me. They would try their best to help me find my way. I knew deep in my heart that there was one person in this world that may understand the pain I was going through.
So, fighting the tears in my eyes, I called my dad. Right away he knew...this man knew how much my heart was hurting. I told him everything. I felt for the first time in my life...he listened. Not to say that he didn't listen before but this time it was so very different. When he spoke, it was the softest tone that I had ever heard him speak. He said... "Son, I know what you are going through. I have been there. I have had my heart broken too at your age". Tears rolled down my face. I had to put the phone down just enough to so he could not hear me sobbing.
That was the day I connected to my dad. That was when I realized that he had always been right about everything in my life. Everything about women, everything about sex, and everything about LIFE. We would talk on the phone for hours that day sharing stories and how everything I was feeling...he felt. He convinced me that I will be ok and I was.
I am 36 years old and my father is still right about everything and I am ok with that. We rarely fight and we just learned to talk. He does know me better than anyone else. My dad has always tried to make sure that I do not make the same mistake he has, but sometimes that cannot be helped. In either case, he is always there to pick me up when I need it.
I have learned to a mentor to my students because of him. Happy Father's Day Papi. I love you.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
So the real question for me is...What is my dream? What is it that I wanted to do when I was a child? The only thing that I really wanted to do was write. As a kid, I used to create characters and superheros with elaborate histories and complex stories. This used to be my fantasy. I am not sure where it stopped. But, I was under the impression that comic book writers did not get paid much, so before college, that faded.
Let me mention again that when I was a child that I used write horror stories that involved my classmates. I would let them read it and listen to how amazed they were about how I used my imagination to scare everyone. Of course, as much as I tried to impress the girls that I liked, the guys I perceived to be better looking and less intellectual seemed to get all the attention in the end. So I stopped doing that.
In high school, I used to write sexually charged stories about women I met on the street. Many of them included teachers that have taught me.This is one tidbit of info I have never shared with anyone. I got to the point where I had a note book filled with chapters of, what I would consider now to be, smut. In the end, I felt ashamed that I was 15 and writing thinks about sex that I had no knowledge of. I ended up throwing out the book because I did not need my mother finding any of this.
Once I got to college and realized that I really should not be a History Major, I was looking to do something that I really wanted to do. So one of things I also thought about doing is being a screenplay writer or a play-write. So, in order to transfer to schools within Syracuse University I need to have a certain GPA and I needed to write a 5 minute script. My attempt was to join the school of Visual & Performing Arts because there was no way I was getting into the Newhouse School of Public Communications. So I wrote this script called "Call Your Mother" which was very emotional for me to write. It is about a son and his conflict between his divorced parents. Consequently, I didn't get in due to my GPA and not the work.
I have actually kept that script. It is just sitting on my hard drive. I have tweaked it from time to time. I was thinking about adding to it, but I wrote it in such a way that is perfect the way it is...to me anyway. Poetry was never really on my mind. I didn't care for it and I avoided classes about it. However, and again few people knew this, I loved hip hop in the 90's so much that I used to write rhymes because I was so inspired (talk about lying to yourself)!
Finally, I became an English Major because it only made sense. I loved to write so much that I would correct other people's papers. Even in high school I made some money doing this. Writing was the only thing that came naturally to me. I would often joke in my 20's that I would write a book about my life because of some of the things that I have encountered. But, of course, when I graduated in 1996, all I hear is that English Majors do not make much money. So once again...I scraped this idea of being a writer of any kind.
In 1999, I found myself working in Corporate America and feeling very underutilized. The pay was great but I was bored. So I tinkered with the web and created a website. I posted pictures and just did dumb things, but it wasn't until I read a blog from a woman, that ended up being a good friend of mine, that I began to understand what I blogging was. Her writing was such an inspiration that I had to get to know her. At that point, I create a blog and even had my own domain. (Currently she is re-branding her blog and if I am really lucky...she will guest blog *waving at Nakia*)
However, my writing was amateurish at best. I knew it then. I had nothing worth saying and it showed in the way I wrote. I would talk about my daily life in NYC and Subway stories and while they were funny, that wasn't the person I was trying to present to the world. I would keep another version of the blog after I moved back to Syracuse on a site called Xanga, but I just wasn't happy with it. I didn't know how to find my voice and I didn't know how to deal with writers block. However, every now and then I would write a blog entry on Myspace..so clearly, I could not let it die.
It wasn't until January of 2009 that I started this blog and found my voice. Once again it was because I was inspired by a blog that a woman wrote (a different woman, *waving at Brooke* and I am friends with her too!). I had not written anything in 2008 and it showed. I wrote every day until May. Once I really stopped lying about my life and confronted my fears, is when this blog had really taken shape. Now, I manage 2 blogs, the other one being on tumblr for more creative work.
My dreams have shifted over the years and I still very much want to be an author. I also want to be a public speaker as well. There are obstacles in my way and they do slow me down. But after reading The Alchemist, I now know that those obstacles are objects that are placed in my way to make me appreciate my life and all the efforts it is currently taking for me to get where I need to be.
I still have that screenplay and I still have some short stories that I have written. There is also the poetry that seems to pour out of me. My dreams are very much to make an impact on this world. I love working with students and who knows where my Higher Education background will take me...but I do know that this profession pays the bills. Perhaps when I reach my dream...I will pay back all the karma I have spent just to get there.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams."
The funny thing about life is that sometimes things happen right when they need to. I think about the numerous amount of times that something happened to me at the right moment. I never really had a phrase for them until now, Omen. Under the recommendation of a few friends, I bought the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I read this book in 2 days.
I am not shocked with how good this book is but how much I needed to read this book at this moment of my life. I have always believed that things happen for a reason. I was even told to read this book last year, but I wasn't ready. But due to a series of good omens, I was able to read this book and soak up everything that was written inside of it.
Simply put, the book is about a boy and his quest to follow his dreams. He is taught to understand the language of the world and how to listen to his heart. In so many ways I feel that this is me. I have spent 36 years of my life searching for something that I am not sure how to find. At times, I am not even sure what it is I am searching for. When someone asked me what I want, I would say I want to be happy. I know that I am was put here on the planet to do something. I can really feel it.
I just never really thought about looking at the world around me and seeking out the omens in my life. However, I am all about listening and following my heart. Many times I heard people talk about how illogical it is to follow your heart because what it wants sometimes is impossible or doesn't make sense. The problem is that the heart is where all are dreams are housed. We do not follow what we really want because of that fear of failure or rejection. But like the quote said above is so very true...the fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself. THIS is why people fail!
But, it is ok to fail because we can all get back up and continue to search for our happiness. This book puts so much of what I have been feeling about my personal journey into words. We have our paths laid for us and we just need find it and if not then we will always wonder "what if".
The thing about omens is that they may appear to us everyday and we are either too blind to see them or simple do not know how to read them. Very my much like "coincidences" we may encounter. Everything we do influences the outcome of our fate in our daily lives. Think about what I wrote in the previous post. Had my dad not called me when he did...I would have made the 6:30 movie showing and never met up with friends thus having dinner alone. At the same token...my friends bought tickets to the 6:30 movie but it was too packed to find seats for them so they exchanged their tickets for the 7pm showing...where I was.
Life is interesting and God works in mysterious ways. I do not believe that our future is written, although I think there is a measure of fate in terms of being on earth to do a specific thing. However, it is us alone that determines whether we find out personal treasure and fulfill whatever our destiny is. It is those tiny omens that we see along the say that renews our faith that things will be ok.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Chinese Symbol for Fate
In my last post I wrote about what my plan would look like for my birthday on Saturday. I had a feeling that not would go according to plan but I was ok with that. My main focus was just to go with the flow and see where the day takes me while using my plan as a guideline.
Once the clock struck midnight I a got a few texts and some phone calls. I always enjoys these. Most of them were to wish me well and tell me that I should not be alone on my birthday. My response back is, like it always is, "it is just another day". Most understand this. However, I did have one friend blow my mind. She not only told me that I am never truly alone on this day (because too many people think about me) but that reason why this is not just another day is because 36 years ago I survived...and I have been surviving ever since. That is something to celebrate. I had no defense for this. So it ended up being something I thought about all weekend.
I went to bed late as I knew I would. I wanted to take Rocky out for walk so I set my alarm. This did not end up working because at 7am there was a thunderstorm closing in. This drives my dog nuts. He cannot stand the sounds and he gets frightened. So I have to get up and calm him down. Eventually I have to put him in the basement where he cannot hear the storm. I go back to bed and pass out until about 11am.
By this time I am starving. I clean up and take care of Rocky. I am by no means rushing. The World Cup match that I wanted to see is listed to start at 1:30pm. So I figured I have time. I leave the house at about 12:15 to get to I-Hop. I am blasting "Billionaire" by Travis McCoy and Bruno Mars in my car. I get to this place and it is packed! This seems to be typical for I-Hop considering how good their food can be. I end up waiting for awhile patiently and I am finally seated close to 1pm. I am still not in a rush. I figured it would be ok to miss a few minutes of the match. The food comes and things are great. Those crack cakes are the bomb!
So I get home at about 1:40 only find out that the match really doesn't start until 2:15. So I relax and chill with my dog. The World Cup match between USA and England was a good one indeed. Highs and lows that end up in a 1-1 draw. For those who may not know much about fútbol (soccer), this was a good result because so many people think that the team from England will go far in the tournament.
After the match I realized that I had to get going because I wanted to make the 6:30 showing of The Karate Kid. My dad calls me at 5pm. I always enjoy talking to him and before I know it...it is almost 5:30. Now I had to decision to make. I will most likely have to go to the 7:00 showing because once I get to the mall I want to go shop with some of my birthday money.
My first stop is that Comic-book Store. I haven't been there since right before my trip to DR. I had received in email when I was in New York City from them saying that I need to pick up the books in my reservation box before a certain date or my comics will be put back on the shelf. I figured things were good because I had already been there and I emailed them that will pick up my comics soon since the message clearly stated that any response would delay my reservation from being cleared.
So when I get there the guy tells me that my reservation box had been canceled for failure to pick up. I am like..wtf. I spend a lot of money on this store and I sent you an email. I will give it to the guy, he had great customer service. I didn't press him all that much at all because in reality I was not all that upset. He was very apologetic and offered to restart my reservation and personally search for every lost item. Then suggested mail service. In the end, I told him I will think about it and I walked out. As I left, I kinda grinned. This may have been a blessing in disguise. Do not get me wrong, as much as I love comic books I should be sad but, I also know that once you become a collector...your collection owns you.
I head to the Apple Store and get a gift card and then I head to Express Men to cash in a a birthday coupon. I put my stuff in the car and I head to the theater. I had already bought my 7pm ticket when I got to the mall to avoid the possibility of the show being sold out. I grab a seat and wait for the previews. As fate would have it, I notice that two of my good friends walk in with their 2 children right before the previews begin. I grew up with these 2 in the Bronx. It just so happens they are SU alums and live in the area. Clearly, I get up and join them! They were happy to see me and we watched the movie.
The Karate Kid was worth every penny I paid. I could not help but to smile and think about how I ended up not going to the movies alone and to make it even better, they refuse to let me eat dinner alone. So after the movie, we go to Pizzeria Uno and have dinner. It was great to catch up with old friends and their children who are still very much used to me despite my absence. By the time I get home it is 11pm. I still had an hour to get my personal cake ready. I crack open the Shiraz and Brugal (I promise that I did NOT drink them together) as well as light my candle on my cake.
Happy Birthday to Me!
By 11:30pm, I have blown out my candle and I drink the rest of the night away. I consider this to be a very successful birthday...not also to mention the amount of messages left on my Facebook wall. I feel very fortunate and will try to make this year special.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Well...I don't normally talk about it, so I will just get it over with. Tomorrow is just another day. Even though I turning 36, I am used to it not being a very big deal. I do have a plan on how I will spend the day. I am documenting this mainly so I can keep it all together.
I am thinking of getting up somewhat early. Depending on that, I was going to walk Rocky around the neighborhood. This is all based on weather because I think it may rain so it is possible this may not happen. I was thinking about going to I-Hop for some pancakes because they are made from crack.
The World Cup continues tomorrow. The United States takes on England at about 1pm. I am all over that. I am not into fútbol as much as the rest of the world, but I think this should be entertaining. After that, I am going to the mall. I received a gift card from Express and the means I get to buy a shirt. While I am there I will swing by the comic book store and do what I need to do...lol
I will stop by the Apple store and buy a iTunes gift card using the birthday money that my father gave me. I can buy some music and movies and be set. While I am there I am going to the movies. I want to see The Karate Kid and the A-Team. Depending on my time I may see the first and wait later for the latter.
After all that, I will make myself a nice dinner. Arroz con Maiz with Steak and maduros. I have taken the liberty of buying some wine, one cup cake, and some candles (they don't just sell one...lol). I will light it up and drink the night away as I watch Nip/Tuck on DVD (of course I will fit the Mets game somewhere in there).
This is the plan for tomorrow. Happy Birthday to me.
P.S. I totally forgot I came back with a small bottle of Brugal from DR...oh this gets better...lol
Thursday, June 10, 2010
As I go through this process of sorting out the messes in my life, I want people to understand a few things about me. I think that in someway I may come across as depressed or saddened or that I feel helpless. That is not the case. I am just frustrated with obstacles in front of me. I consider my life to be this complex puzzle in which I cannot find the boarders to put the pieces all together.
I know I do not have a bad life. I have a job and a roof over my head. That is more than a lot of people can say these days. So my issues pale in comparison to someone else who may be dealing with a disease or have child that is suffering in any kind of way. I get that I have many things to be thankful for.
On that same token, I know that my actions have gotten me where I am. For better or worse, I am right where I am because of decisions that I have made. Everything happens for a reason and when I am meant to leave, then I will leave. I cannot force it as much as I want to. However, I can do everything in my power to give me a chance to do better things.
The issue for me is contentment. I was speaking to a friend and she made a remark about how her goal in life at this moment is to be content with herself and then suggested that it should be that way with me. This is an amazing point. I need to get to the point where I can be at the very least...content with my life and where it is. This is easier said that done when you set goals for yourself and those goals are not being met. However, I do know that many successful people have failed an enormous amount of times before they achieved greatness.
Failure is a part of life and I am not afraid of it...I am just frustrated about it because in the end, I hate to lose. I have decided that I am going to save every rejection letter I get from employers as fodder for my motivation. I am better than what I put on paper and I am certainly as good as anyone out in the field and I intent on proving that. It will be my journey to simply get better.
I am leaning toward finding roommates again. The simple truth is the the fiscal year for the schools up here starts in July. So do most of the leases. I can catch the rush of people looking for a room to live in between July and August. I realize that I cannot give up. My problems are something I can deal with I just need to not take them on all at once.
I am very fortunate that I am where I am. I just need to prove to myself that I can get where I need to go.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Sometimes we all have to take a leap of faith. I have noticed that family has been on my mind for quite sometime now because of my trip to the Dominican Republic. Clearly, I have done a lot of introspection before and after this trip.
I am emotional. I know that. This has been my issue for awhile now, that I cannot control them. Granted, most people do not see it as much and that is the way I prefer it. I rather hide behind my humor and sarcasm. In fact, I rather people think I am distant. When I was in the Dominican Republic I saw something else besides true love, I saw family. Yes, mi familia was there and so was the bride's and what I saw was how a family should be. So I caught myself being pensive at times.
I recognize that I strive to be things that my parents are not. My dad is impatient and my mother is irrational. These are two things that I work on the most when deal with people in general. However, both of my parents are emotional, which is why I believe their divorce took so long because neither wanted to give in a inch to the other all based on emotion.
As I have gotten older I have lost more control over my feelings in general. I try not to take many things personally and I do believe in forgiveness and the ability to let go. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have had some issues with my mother. We have had trouble seeing eye to eye since I was 16. Compound that with a messy divorce and my need to rebel and we both have years of just not speaking to each other. I can sit here and tell you that this is all her fault but I am not doing to do that. I know that I have my faults to.
Over that last few month and leading into this month I have slowly been letting my mother back in. The reason being that she is not getting any younger. I feel that I have enough mother figures in my life that I may not really need to have her in my life, but I may need to be in hers. In many ways I feel that I am the prodigal son returning...again.
I often say that there is no manual for being married, well it is the same thing for being in a family. While I sat at the wedding reception in DR, I noticed all 96 of the brides family members (exaggerating) party and act like a family. Maybe that is their public face but they put on awesome show of unity. My family does not do that unless someone dies.
Having a discussion with one of my cousins, we feel that it is younger generation of our family that may be the ones to teach the older folks what family means. I see where my family is heading on both parents side. I am not saying that things are disastrous but, what I am saying is that we are blood. We are bound by the fact that we are indeed related. While, we cannot save everyone, we can preserve what family is. I think that is what is lost these days when we talk about people losing their sense of history. It all starts with family passing down stories, traditions, and language. If you do not have that then what do you have?
If I am truly going to have kids, as many of you seem to believe, then what foundation can they root themselves in if they do not have family behind them? Forgiveness does not mean forgetness (I made that up) but it does mean letting go in order to move on.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
It is June and I no idea what I am doing. I thought by now, I would have everything figured out. My goal is to be in NYC by the end of the year and I am no where near that goal. I have sitting here trying to figure out what I am doing wrong.
I have applied for a numerous amount of jobs at several schools. If I am lucky I will get a letter back, otherwise I will hear absolutely nothing. While I know the job market is bad, I figured I would be in the running for a lot more positions. Clearly, this is not happening. So, I need to go back to the drawing board here. Maybe, my resume does not stand out. Maybe I need to change the wording. I don't want to apply for just anything because I can get bored easily if I am not challenged by the level of work.
There is also the fact that when looking for a job, it is not what you know but who you know. I will tell you that I am lacking in this department. I do not know many people in my field who reside in New York City. So that is a big problem because I will have to rely on other people's contacts and knowledge and clearly that is not working either. I am really pimping myself out on Linkedin so who knows how far that will get me.
Which has led me to my ultimate decision which leads me to go back to school full time. I think the fact that I lack that Master Degree is what is hurting me. I can have a shit load of experience in my field, but clearly it means little with out this paper. So, I am making plans to shoot for January admissions in NYC. I am planning to meet with some people to get my shit together in order to do this. Of course, I could take classes up here, but I am really done with Syracuse and I need a scenery change.
Then there is this house. I was so very positive that I could keep this, but now that is not going to happen. Even now, I flip back and forth between selling and finding a roommate. Since, I need the money now, I tend to go with the roommate option but, I have no one. Why is that? Well my friend decided that he can now live with his wife again and now I am back being alone. So now I am stuck with this house alone.
So, I will put the house on the market. The problem is...I have no idea what I am doing. I do not want to use a Realtor because I do not have the money for that. However, I may not have a choice because it costs money to actually put it on the market from what I see. I realize that my life will be a whole lot better if I just got rid of it. There are tons of things that need to be fixed and things that have been fixed. This will be my struggle for the summer.
Then there is women. I say very little about this subject as it pertains to me because what is there to say? All I can say is that I observe. I watch what women do and I either smh (shake my head) or I just straight up laugh. I feel like everyday I refine my list of things that I want or expect in a woman. I know men are assholes and I will preach that all day but, most women make no sense to me. This does effect me because despite all the goodness around me, I am really starting to feel that I will be alone for very long time.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Funny how much difference a year can make. Most of my posts last year had to do with the fact that many people around me were having issues with their relationships. I was stunned by the number of troubles people were having. It goes to show that we make we have problems but someone may have it worse. This year though, it seems like people are getting married, or engaged, or just getting together. I think it is great.
I think people need to just follow their hearts. I have talked about how hard it is for me make decisions that require me to think about head and heart, but in the end I know that it is best for me to do what feels right. I haven't always followed my heart because somewhere I thought that being logical is better. Logic plays no part in matter of the heart.
For the most part love makes no sense. We cannot help whom we fall in love with and we cannot make people fall in love with us. However, we can follow our hearts to the end. Right or wrong, there is very little regret in the end if you follow it truly. If it does not work out, your heart will heal and you can say that you tried something that felt right. If the attempt is not made...then there are lingering thoughts of "what if". However, if it does work out the rewards are endless.
Happiness is what I wish those who embark on a new relationship, marriage, or even a rekindling of an old flame. Fear is way too much apart of people's psyche. People use fear as a reason to not do something. I am guilty of this as well, but at some point we all must make a choice of letting go of the fear.
I saw a fearless couple in the Dominican Republic. They are ready for anything and it is awesome to me. Perhaps I am looking too deep into this, but sometimes we all need reminders that there are good things that an happen in life. We need to take things one day at a time. For me, I have been trying to push away the notion of love (despite my rash of poems on tumblr). I am not saying that it is working but I am sure many may have noticed that I really wasn't talking about as much as I normally do. Going to this wedding shattered all that.
So now, as I continue to struggle with my life, I will have these thoughts of what I need to do about my love life. I have chosen not to do much until this divorce is final. I believe that is not fair to me or to the other potential person to date with this over my head. Don't get me wrong, I have other reason why I am not really dating but, that is the main reason. I need to clear my head of many things...and let's be real here, having a woman in my life is just more drama and trouble for me.
Perhaps that is harsh and not fair, but I think I am right in my assessment. I know my dad will disagree and tell me that I need to run through some "hoodrats" (because he totally talks that way), but that is not me. I have tried the jumpoff thing and is not all that fulfilling to me. Plus, using women is something that I cannot get used to...even if they want to be used.
So right now I am going to follow what feels right and see where is take me. Hopefully it will help me sell this house (a blog for another time) and get a job in NYC.
Oh..and for those who follow your heart...you will always have a supporter in me.