Honesty is Horrifying...

Ever wake up in a mood and not know why you are in that mood? Every feel an emotion that you thought was one thing when it really is another? I think that is one of things that makes us human is the fact that we cannot even figure out what is really wrong with us emotionally. Sort of when you talking to someone and the next thing you know you are yelling at them. Chances are you have some anger hidden inside of you that has yet to be released.

For me, it is a strange feeling to wake up in a anxious type of mood. My conscience mind just cannot figure out why am feeling this way. It usually takes me all day to figure out why. Normally the answer is in the back of my mind and I am ignoring it. It just takes some sort of admission to myself of what it truly is. Either I am mad at someone and just do not want admit it or there is a situation that is coming up that I know I have to deal with, in which case, I do not want to admit it.

Honesty is something that seems to playing very big in mind lately. It has been a banner that have been flying lately and not everyone is ready for that. I am not saying that I am ready for it either, but I have no choice. Being honest begins with self. I feel that I have been lying to myself for so many years. Not just about my marriage but about my entire life. Is it possible that I have not been the person I think I am?

I cannot say for sure, but I have come to accept many things in my life. The only thing that I can hold on to is honesty. Holding on to a lie is like holding on to a small branch while sinking in quicksand. There is no way you can get out of it. As I mentioned before, people who lie to themselves are dangerous people. I was one of them. I became a danger to myself and to others that I care about. Why? Because I did not know how much my lies can hurt other people.

The best policy for me is to be aware of my own feelings and emotions. Sometimes that is hard to do. I am sure there are times people have no idea why they are mad or upset. We tend to call it stress and it is self inflicted. It does make me think about people I may run into and they are always in a bad mood. Who is to say that they themselves are not tortured due to past decisions.

All these thoughts have to with a movie I saw this weekend, The Invention of Lying. When I say that people are not prepared for honesty, is how I feel when it comes to me being prepared for this movie. Here is one of those films that is billed as a comedy and you will walk out feeling completely changed. This movie completely validates my point on how the truth will set any one of us free. You want to be honest for yourself.

The premise of The Invention of Lying is very simple: imagine a world where no one lies at all and then in that world is one guy who has the ability to lie. Sounds like a riot right? Think again. If you can imagine no filters on thoughts, people telling you exactly how they feel about you at any given moment. Can you imagine if someone you thought loved you really cannot stand you? That is almost horrifying.

What struck me the most about this movie is that pure honesty did not bother people. It is what it is and people moved on. There was no false hope. No wondering if someone loved you. People know exactly where they stood in life. This is just unfathomable to me. Where would I be life today if I knew where I stood in person's life? However, we, as humans, have to lie. We have to play the game because we love drama so much.

So my dilemma is that as honest as I can be to myself and others and no matter how direct I can be, people will always lie to themselves and to me. It is a part of life.

A Letter to My Blog...

I know. I have been neglecting you. I just want to say that it is not you, it is me. I have been so busy with work. It is not like I have been visiting other blogs. Well, that is not entirely true..yeah I have. I am sorry I do try to write everyday! I have a notebook that I carry with me! Of course, I seem to be writing more poems then blogs...but I am writing! Ok...ok! You are still my number one. I will make a pact with you...

I have noticed that if I plan my days right I can make 200 blog entries for the year. That will require only 10 blog entries per month for the next 3 months. I fully plan on making this mark. Latino Heritage Month is coming to a close this week and I have one more big event weekend at the end of this month. This means that I will have more time. However, I have been job searching as well which take up much of my time as well.

The bad part of it all is that I have even stopped the frequency of my running! I still get to exercise, but being tired really plays tricks with you mind. I will say that my diet has not changed. I am still eating pretty well so I will still have the energy to run when I get back to it. Before, you think I have fallen off the wagon, I will be working on my arms today (finally). Not to mention that I have my daily Monday night basketball practice game. What I find funny is that I am the only one who has lost weight and has enough stamina to run back and forth from court to court.

I know what you are thinking. You have been my number one thing for such a long time and you think I am losing interest. That is just simply not the case! I think about you all the time. Sometimes I just don't know what to say to you. When you are not looking I visit you but I don't sign in. I don't meant to be distant. My love for you is great. I even posted the video above to show you how busy I have been! I have even mentioned you!

I don't want you to be jealous of Twitter. I mean, she is nice looking, but you and I have a bond! I came to you when I was a low point in my life. I have cried to you and I have told you all my thoughts. You have made me a better person. Because of you I am able to face all my fears and head them straight on. Because of you I have also met some truly amazing people.

So do not think that I no longer love you. That is simply not true. I think some times you need space from things so that you can truly appreciate them. I have grown to love you more and more everyday and I have some serious plans for us in the future. I wont tell you now because you will only get excited and bug me about when these changes will take place...but just know that 2010 is OUR year.

P.S. Mike Robles is pretty funny huh?

Too Mature for Video Games?

I am not sure when it happened. Most of my life I have played video games. But now, not so much. My feelings on video games as not changed. I still love to play a good game. I love the how much the graphics have evolved over the years and I am a big fan of certain franchise games. However, something has happened to me over the last year or so.

Before I go down the road of saying that I have matured, lets keep in mind that I read comic books. I consider myself to still be a big kid. I still play games on Facebook and I rock the games on my iPhone. I just haven't played the games I am used to playing. See, when I was a kid, I used to buy all the good games and play them until I beat them. Of course, at the time I had a job at Pathmark in the Bronx and never had to worry about paying rent so I could buy as many games as I want.

Clearly games of the past are not what they are now, but I enjoyed playing games to pass the time. I made sure I had the latest Nintendo systems and Playstation models. However, I do not have PS3 or Xbox because they are too expensive. The Wii is not "mine" so I do not play at as much as I once did. Which brings me to my point, money. Because I love video games so much and tend to enjoy my experience, I have become picky. I am not trying to spend $50-$60 on a game that is not going to be that great. I can spend my money on other things...like food.

Realistically, I think about my life changes and wonder if that has anything to do with it. One would think that I would want to escape into a different reality and play more video games. I do work so much. For example, from Thursday to Saturday, I worked more than I slept. There was no room for any life because of Homecoming. While that is not normal, I do work long hours and sometimes the last thing I want to do is pick up a controller. However, I used to do that. So, maybe I am maturing.

However, I did stop reading comic books for a few months over the past year. I would still buy them though. But, I would make sure that I had the ones I need and just put them away for another time. I knew that eventually I would get back to them and I did. There are still certain books I have not read that are in my possession. It just makes me think that perhaps I will get back to the gamer that I used to be. Yet, do I want to be that guy who sat on the couch for hours on end playing games? I am not so sure about that. When I am running I feel that I am living life and that I am doing things to help myself. I think the person who used to play video games may have died 20 pounds ago.

Then there are times when I see the commercial you see above. My eyes light up! I think about how much I want that game, yet I thank God that I do not have a PS3 nor an Xbox. I am a competitive person by nature and although I do not care for Kobe Bryant, that just makes me yearn to play this game. I have to mention the song in the background, Eric B and Rakim "Don't Sweat the Technique", is a nice touch. I have had that song in my head for a week. So perhaps there is hope for me yet for Video games.

The last game I purchased was Star Wars: Force Unleashed, which was solely driven by the fact that the commercial was so hot. That was back in March. The best part was that I traded in quite a few games in order get a good discount on it. Not sure if I will do this for this game considering that I do not have any of the platforms. Perhaps one day I will purchase one of the major game consoles, but I am really not sure.

I am thinking that this lull in not playing video games may end when I move to New York City. My nephew, Justin, is the way I was when I was a kid. He loves playing these games. When I come down, I have to make sure I am on my game because he has intentions in beating me in every game that he owns. I enjoy watching him play because it makes him very happy. He provides the type of motivation I need to move back to my hometown.