Friday, March 26, 2010

Broken Trust

Funny how life works. Last night I spent much of my time asking myself why do I do the things I do? Why do I place trust in certain people? Am I a bad judge of character? I would like to think I am not. I would like to think I am a trustworthy person who has made a numerous amount of mistakes in which I can learn from. Yet, it seems that I am at a point in which I have to evaluate my relationships with people because quite frankly I do not know whom to trust in my short circle of "friends".

Which makes me wonder if I in fact place my trust in the wrong people. I will sit here and tell you right now that I do not have many real friends. My trust in people does vary from person to person. While my life is an open book on this blog, I do not share every intimate detail of my life or my job. I keep many things private and as a matter of fact, people will tell me that their first impression of me is that I am a guarded individual.

I am very much a person who believes in give and take. However, due to my nature, I seem to give a lot more than I take. This does not mean I trust more it just means that I have no problem being a nice guy in general. I think it takes a lot for me to consider anyone a friend. I think it takes a process of several years in order to really know someone well enough. There are rare occasions when this process may be sped up due to chemistry. This is where you meet someone and you get along so great from the start.

What my problem seems to be is that I am a great listener. If anyone I know, has an issue or a problem I will listen. It comes to a point where I become the person that people come to. The great thing about me is that you can tell me anything and I wont repeat it because in about a week I will have forgotten it. I know that sounds funny, but most times it is true.

To prove that I have a hard time trusting people, I will use Facebook as am example. As things with my separation starting becoming final and the situation between my ex-wife and I become more tense, I felt I needed to draw back. So I took the times to sort the list of my friends into groups. I already have my facebook set up with security settings, which means the average person cannot access my page the way people I have "friended" can. Essentially, I took the people who I felt that were questionable in my mind or who seemed to have a decent friendship with her and put them in my partial access list. So they could only see what I want them to see. This upset certain people because they felt that I should be able to trust them more.

What it comes down to right now is the my trust in someone was recently broken. I am not happy about it and I feel I need to evaluate. I am not so sure that I trust as easy as other people think because I don't like many people in general. However, I do have faith in the human spirit which leads me down a path that ends up with me thinking I can trust those who I ultimately cannot. So who knows? I am angry, sad, hurt and right now bitter all rolled up into one. I do not like proving people right when it comes to whom I associate myself with.

I am losing faith in people. I get myself in trouble because of this faith. I would love to think that people would not be stupid enough to do the things they do. The funny part is I talk to people about how dumb other people are in general as if I couldn't possible know any dumb people. Maybe my faith in people makes me dumb. Perhaps I am the dumb person that I talk about.

I am not happy right now. People suck and looks like I need to stop trusting people which goes against who I am.


Chela said...

"People suck and looks like I need to stop trusting people which goes against who I am."

People -- in the collective -- do suck, as a general rule. But some individuals can be quite amazing. And others can be great *in the right situation*. The trick is finding those people who are truly trustworthy and knowing which people can be trusted under which circumstances. It's not always easy, but it is possible and it's definitely worth it. Hang in there!

Jeri said...

I've been having similar issues with people as of late. I feel like I have alot of "friends" but very few "real friends" and I also have that problem of being a good listener, which inevitably makes many friendships one sided (also cause Im not one who likes to share and really open up to people, just like yourself) It sounds like you are going through a major life transition- you are in the process of growing and bettering yourself (way to go, btw!) and as a result, you are weeding out the people who you were attracted to when you were in a different (ie not as happy) place in your life. Im right there with you. Its scary as hell, but you have to clear out the baggage so that you will have room for all the great things coming your way!!

My Name is Jami said...

I agree that people suck. trust is not something that you can be careless with, although I have been. I am much more guarded now with who I put my trust into. Basically the only person that I trust is myself. I know my motives and what I am thinking. Everyone else, I am skeptical of.


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