Monday, July 27, 2009

Unrequited Love

I am dedicating this blog to a friend, who last night, had her heart broken by a man that she loves. Her grief and anger are so very apparent and I feel bad because the words I have for her are not close to enough to soothe her. The fact that I understand provides very little comfort. The problem is that she loved a man that claims to not love her back. How does one recover from that? How do you tell someone to just move on when they are so very attached to the person they love.

Unrequited love is the worst kind of love. When you love someone and they do not return that love the feeling is often close to deep pains in the chest. Reactions to this situation can result in anger, depression, rage, and violence. But often times Unrequited love just results in deep sadness because no matter what, you will always love this person. The hardest part is that she may never know what his true feelings are. I cannot say what they are because I do not know. I can speculate, but what good will that do?

I want her to move on the best way she can. It is not good to hold on to anger. Sure, she is going to be sad, but that will pass in time. I believe she needs to accept that it is not meant to be with this dude. I find it hard to tell her this because she is angry! Sure, I can try to give her a glimmer of hope, but I am not sure that is the right thing to do.

What I want her to understand as well as myself is that life is full of opportunities. Each one of us is unique and special. We all have the potential to fall in love and have someone fall in love with us. The problem is that not everyone is ready to do so. We need to have faith that it will happen for us somewhere down the line. Some people are lucky to find their loves early in life. Others find it late in life. We all make mistakes and lose love...but that does not mean we should give up.

At one point she said that she would have rather never fall in love then ever feel this pain. I think that is a mistake. We all need to feel the good and bad sides of love to fully understand what it is we want. Once we know what it is to lose something then we will try no to lose it again if we are fortunate enough to get love again.

The best advice I have for her is that it is his loss. If he is willing to push aside someone who was willing to give him all the love in the world, then it is his loss.


Brooke said...

This is sad. I can relate. I think most of us can.

I'm wondering tho, is this the first time she's ever been heart broken? I ask because most people who have been heartbroken in the past don't say they would have rather not had love than to suffer the loss of it.

Not saying that heartbreaks get easier, but what I find has helped me in the past is KNOWING that I'll eventually get over it.

Loving someone is a great risk. It's scary, and the possibility of someone not loving us back or equally is always going to be there. But that being said, great love and great success are not possible without great risk. The only comfort we can take is knowing that with God's help, the heart is resilient. She may not feel like it now, but she WILL get over it, with time and prayer.

The best advice I can give would be to allow yourself to feel the pain and deal with it now. Cry, get it out, and allow yourself to grieve. But to me, grieving suggests that you lost something. In this case, you didn't lose anything because you can't lose what you never had. He had YOU, not the other way around, so like Ant's HIS loss.

And lastly, don't be angry that you loved someone. Having the ability to love is a tremendous gift. We should love unconditionally, without the expectation of getting it back. It's ours to give, as God freely gives it to us. Thank God He continues to love us anyway, even when we don't deserve it or love Him back. Be thankful that you have a heart capable of deep love. Some people go thru life having never felt that at all...and how sad is that?

God is love, you'll be fine.

LatinaNegrita said...

One thing about us women is that we love a man with the expectation that the same love will be returned equally (in a perfect world). unfortunately that is not possible in all situations. Men love differently and it is never in the same form or fashion. The fact that you loved him and he didn't recognize that is in fact HIS loss, like Anthony said and Brooke agrees. It's unfortunate that a man can't see the value of a woman's love in front of him. In situations like this a woman's heart mends and makes us stronger;when the next person comes along, they will recognize and cherish your love, I strongly believe that.

A.M. said...

To answer some of the questions... i have thought i loved before, but i have never felt like this about anyone. Its so different.

When he and i are together, its so different. He makes me feel safe, and so loved.

He has never judged me. He accepts me for me, flaws and all. He thinks of me as his closest friend, and says i was the best he ever had, he just doesnt feel like i do, so he is moving on.

I've never had all of that before, and maybe i am more in love with an ideal, a perfection i found in him.

My heart is shattered and i feel like for once in my life i did everything so right, i loved unconditionally, i accepted him as he was, because we have been friends for 9 years before all this.

Now not only have i lost a true great love, but my long time friend, because i can't look at him the same ever again.

I will always see the man i love, and that man will never see me... At least not really see me.

Ok i'm done. And balling my eyes out.

LatinaNegrita said...

A M...I'm sorry. The one thing I don't like is to see someone hurt, IT SUCKS! Trust me when I tell you that you always want answers to why you're not loved the same? How can this happen when I didn't do anything wrong? Honestly, you may never get answers to those questions. as much as it's painful to hear you may need to accept that. With that said, my love is gone too, but despite that, I remember our friendship, how he makes me laugh, how supportive he is, and how that relationship is still present. Many people who are friends then become lovers can never go back to that friendship because they fail to remember what made you both friends to begin with. It's like in my situation I know we are better off friends than husband and wife and I can accept that because he was my friend first. It takes alot of strength to look past what didn't work but looking at what does work is the road to recovery. Things will be ok, Hang in there...

Anonymous said...

When you say, no matter what you will always love this person, you are absolutely right. You don't just stop loving someone because they don't love you back. Love can't be turned on and off like that, it just happens. I know, I love a man that doesn't know how I feel, but if he didn't love me back that wouldn't make me love him any less. The same thing that happened to your friend will probably happen to me.


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