Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Enigma

Last night I received, what I considered, to be one of the best compliments I have gotten. I was called an enigma by some who reads this blog. I took this to be a very good thing considering that what was pointed out to me is that my emotions, I talk about on this blog, is very tangible. I so appreciate what was told to me. (Thank you for that, you made me think about this one.)

It makes me think about my life as a big puzzle. I feel that I have allowed my life to become this scattered array of pieces that I now have to put back together. The problem is that not all the pieces are fitting the way they used to. So now, I have to come up with a different vision of what my life will ultimately look like in order for me to solve this puzzle.

Sticking to my nerdy side, when I see the word enigma, I think of the Batman villain, The Riddler. His real name in the comic is Edward Nigma (E.Nigma...get it?). The hard part in this whole process that I call my life, is to figure out my emotions that have been very much like riddles to me. Riddle me this, Riddle me that, why is my heart too fat? Maybe because I care too much or dare I say I love too much.

Perhaps the real puzzle is my heart. Not to say that it is has been shattered into a million pieces that has caused this puzzle, but the true riddle is in find out what it is that I really want. Each piece of this puzzle represents the past, present, and future. What I used to want I cannot have. What I currently want is being played out ever so painfully. What I want in the future...well that is the mystery huh?

I was the type of man that had a plan for how my life will be. Go to college...get married...have a happily ever after. Well the train got derailed by my worst So I have to break out the puzzle pieces to recreate what is my heart, but this time with no plans. That is hard to do! I mean I plan events for a living! My whole life is an event and I cannot even plan it! How much sense does that make? (I am smiling as I write this).

So, what do I do? I have reflected back to my Heart vs Head blog. Thinking with my head is very much planning things out. Thinking with my heart is a fly by the edge of my seat type of thing. The problem becomes satisfying both factions (I am such a typical Gemini). However, I have decided to follow my heart with everything I do. I KNOW I said that I would follow my head, but it just doesn't feel right to me. I am just tired of all games and all the rules. I need to just be me and that starts with doing things that feel right. The biggest advice I give to people is, "in the end, everything will work itself out", I need to heed my own advice.

I will rebuild my life and my heart. I will learn to love the simple things in life again. I will learn to forgive myself and others. I will solve this riddle. But, until then I will remain an enigma to myself.

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