Friday, June 5, 2009

The Value of "X"

I am amazed about how much time I have been able to think about love and life. I think so much these days that creating blog topics are as easy for me as it was when I started this months ago. I was thinking about how we establish rules in order to put a value to a person or value to a relationship. I am not a math person but I do remember a few things, like trying to find the value of x. I think that is geometry.

I remember a typical problem being something like 5x + 6x = 22. Then one would have to figure out what the value of x was. I feel that many people view the value of love and relationships in very much the same manner. They create rules in order to justify a decision. I found this to be the case in many women I know. I am not generalizing, but most guys that I know don't follow any particular rules as it applies to love.

I will give an example. To me this is a typical thought of someone who is using rules to define love: "I know that he works hard everyday, but if he really cares about me he will blow off his meeting and come home early" That seems like a reasonable request. You can see the value of this equation, but think about how quickly it can turn. "This man knows that I want him to come home early and he is still in meetings, he must not care about me as much as I thought".

To many people, love is an equation. All the pieces and parts must fit in a certain way in order for a relationship to begin. I, for one, do not subscribe to this thought because I am more of feeler. I like to feel my way through things. I am ok if things do not make sense because as I had said before, love is the perfect emotion. We are the ones who are not perfect. However, when it comes to love, many people expect perfection. Which is why rules are created and the "equation of love" begins.

I am not referring to dating rules, although I think those are irrelevant too. It is my belief that we develop a mechanism to guard ourselves from getting hurt. We take lessons learned from past relationship and apply them to possible relationships in the future, which makes complete sense. However, can anyone truly control how they feel about someone if it just feels right? I understand that we all guard our feelings because pain of rejection and the fear being alone can be great, but I think we lose so much of ourselves have our guard up.

Fear. That is the bottom line. That is value of x. Fear dominates our daily lives and stops us from doing anything successful. That is reason for the rules that we make up. Our fears can range from the thought of being alone to the thought of losing your yourself. Fear gives us a reason to create rules so that we have an easy way out. If a person does not match a list of criteria (i.e. he/she smokes too much, he/she is too old or too young) then they can be crossed off a fictitious list of potential mates. Fear gives us a reason to make excuses.


Social MZ said...

I agree fear is the pinnacle of relationship's downfall - the fear of the future, fear of unforeseen circumstances, fear of not being good enough, etc. However on the flip, fear when overcome, is also the reason for the pleasure in relationships.

The opposite of fear of course, is courage. In the beginning of a relationship, the honeymoon stage as people call it - the fear of course is that you are moving too fast or that you are being too guarded, etc. However, the courage is being able to recognize any faults, and allow your feelings to override any of those fears. Fear also gives us the opportunity to know what is best for us, and what are things we unwilling to change for that particular person.

P.S. math is flawed in the general sense and logic is typically a separate subject from logic for that reason. After all, the numeric system was created by humans ... need I say more? lol

I did enjoy your post btw. In case that was unclear.

Anthony Otero said...

I completely agree. I am not very good at math and maybe that is the start of so many issues.

Fear can blind people and make them very stubborn thus making them unwilling to make any changes (change can spark fear too). I know this first hand and is something I deal with.

I am not saying that we should change for anyone, but fear can make you assume that you should have to change. Courage gives all the ablilty to work through doubt.

So, basically, you are right about courage. I think that courage can also be a result of fear as well. The ablity to conquer our fears is because we have the courage to do so. Of course one would have to be willing to do that.

My point is that nothing is ever perfect.

Anonymous said...

Let's take that fear to the extreme and look at being fearless. No fear of losing that person or hurting them or not caring about making the right decisions. Human is one thing but also being compassionate is devine. Being courageous is also part of growing up.

Jeri said...

very well written! best blog so far!!

i know those women you mention, a few are even my friends- i always tell them love is undefinable. if you can sit down and tell me why you love someone, its not love- love isnt logical. when you love someone, you just know- and sometimes it creeps up on you...

im not that well versed in the bible, but theres a great quote about love:
"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful" (i know it from the movie a walk to remember)


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